Within every conversation there is a silent, unspoken battle for power and status… are you doing your part to display your strengths, or are you unknowingly expressing weakness? And why does this matter?
Have you ever noticed that when we engage new people in conversation there is a secret power struggle taking place? It’s sometimes well hidden but don’t ever doubt it’s there.
Deep down we’re all just a bunch of monkey’s trying to decide who’s the alpha and who should be submissive. We’re constantly trying to gain or build our own status or social value.
Because social status or value gives you access to women, attention, and resources.
And just knowing that this silent game of Status or Power is taking place gives you a chance to “get the girl.”
As a guy why should you care about seeming to be “alpha” ?
In reality you don’t need to be alpha, or macho, or ultra masculine… but it can’t hurt. Let me explain…
Historically speaking the alpha was the leader, and the leader gets the most access to ass and food.
Blame our big stupid ancestors, it’s in our genes to still want this. Genetically we follow the leader.
The problem is this… our genes give us the same traits as our ancestors, but our current day society no longer favours the biggest and strongest… plus now our tribes are cities with millions of people, so we no longer have life or death struggles for sex or food. Basically we can all just walk to a store and buy what we want.
Our genes built us to have to fight for food and resources. But now we have plenty. We no longer have the same struggles.
Even struggles for sex are different. Sex comes from our abilities to create attraction, safety and intimacy.
And so today the “alpha” mentality doesn’t apply in the same way that our genes want them to… Our genes still make us fascinated with leaders and alphas, but women today don’t need men for resources or safety. So even though genetically they still have buttons we can push (if we’re rich and famous) ultimately she’s not going to choose you based only on your looks or income or ability to fight.
Now she has soooo much choice the battles we fight are with ourselves, not with other men. I talk a lot about what ultimately makes a woman attracted to you in the first section of my book, if you want more info on this.
Nowadays the only thing that stops us from attracting the women we want is our ability to display our strongest social skills. And if we are bumbling fools then we’ll scare our women away before we get a chance to make a connection.
The Secret Social Order
So aknowledging that being “alpha” is no longer as important as it was for our ancestors, there’s still something built into our genes that requires us to unconsiously place everyone in a pecking order.
The moment you walk in a room everyone that looks at you will be unconsciously be deciding if you’re more important, or less important, than they are.
We all do this, all the time. And when I say “unconscious” I’m talking about “feelings” … not logic. Feelings don’t follow logic. They are illogical and can’t really be trusted.
Imagine this, you walk into a friend’s barbq and you don’t know anyone. This is what happens when you walk in the door….
The hot blonde in the corner glances over and looks you up and down to assess if you’re important or not. Since she’s hot, and because every other guy is giving her lots of attention, she’s going to assume you’re lower status than her. Your clothes tell her that you’re an average dresser, but that you know enough to not wear white socks in flip flops… but that your hair cut is more than $20 at the barber, so perhaps you know what you’re doing… she notices that everyone is greeting you so perhaps you have some social value… and she notices if other women are giving you more or less attention. Based upon how everyone else responds to you she’s able to get an instant assessment of your status. You’re average.
If everyone stopped what they were doing to say hi then she’s guess that you might actually be higher status than her, and it would important to talk to you later to test your status… she might assume that her good looks will trump your social status in the room, but she won’t decide until she meets you.
If you walked into the room looking confused and emberassed or insecure, she’s ignore you because she’d assume you were low status and would only lower her status for talking to you.
And if you walked into the room with pride in your stride, and you glanced at her and didn’t give her a second look, that might imply that you have such high status that you’re not even bothered by how hot she is.. which might imply that you already have hot women in your life, which imply that you’re already high status.
And all of this happens within a blink of her eye and all without her even breaking from her conversation.
If she assumes you have equal of higher status than her then she’ll attempt to gain your attention.. and that puts her attention onto you.. which can lead to attraction. But if she assumes you’re low status she’ll ignore you and not think twice about it.
This is why first impressions are so important… they can cause women to unconsiously write you off without you having a chance to build her attraction.
Because there seems to be a dating truth I heard once…. no woman can be attracted to a guy she doesn’t respect. And I think respect is just another word for “higher status.” We give other people a label of higher or lower status based upon how much we respect them.
It’s a fucked up game that nobody’s talking about, but sit in the back corner and you can see this dance taking place… everyone is trying to gain status over everyone else in order to feel superior or in order to gain more attention, etc.
Status And Value
It’s not about being well dressed or anything so obvious or superficial. It’s all beneath the layers. It’s all social game play and it’s invisible if you’re not looking for it.
But here’s how I see it… you’re either higher, equal, or lower status of the next guy or girl.
But to “get the girl” you need to be equal or higher status than her, at least in her eyes.
And unfortunately many hot girls are given status by just being physically pretty, which can seem really hard to compete with… until you realize how we give and take status.
When we give someone our attention we’re actually raising their status. That’s how people like those from The Jersey Shore become “high status” … because they’re a train-wreck and we can’t look away…
You want to slightly lower a hot girls status? Ignore her. Then, if you engage her, let her personality dictate her “value” and how much attention you’re willing to give her, not her appearance. Make her earn your attention.
The truth is that everyone is automatically attracted to higher status people… we’re naturally drawn to them.
Because we want their status.
Which leads to us wanting their attention and approval.
Why do all guys want super hot girlfriends?
Because her appearance gives her high social status, or value, which can transfer onto you by just being seen with her.
Others might think, “she’s super hot… and if she’s with him then he must also be super awesome for some reason we can’t see… therefore he’s also high status.”
Maybe not in those words, but that’s how others might feel. Life is a never ending game of guessing other peoples status, and our attempts at getting more for ourselves. And status leads to resources (like sex.) And doesn’t everything come back to sex?
So how does she know if you’re higher status than her? You behave higher status and she’ll therefore respond accordingly.
You see… the high status person ultimately DOESN’T care about being judged by others… that’s the secret they have that others don’t yet get.
There’s a HUGE difference between knowing that others are judging you and caring that others are judging you. When you don’t care, they can’t judge.
If you’re higher status she’ll either seek your approval, or she’ll ignore you.
BUT if you’re lower status she’ll always ignore you… or at the very most she’ll engage you in non-sexual ways. And that’s fine if your goal is more friends.
Those seeking approval are lower status. It’s really that simple. When you don’t need the approval from others you’ve achieved freedom from their judgements AND you’ve instantly became more interesting than the next guy.
Those GIVING approval are often higher status… although not always. Sometimes you’ll see guys giving hot girls approval in hopes of getting her attention in return. But that doesn’t work.
You can’t buy her attention with your approval. That’s why giving her a compliment (giving approval) doesn’t automatically make her attracted to you (giving you attention.) Often it’s the opposite. Often giving a girl you just meet a bunch of fake compliments makes her less attracted to you because you’re implying that she’s higher status than you… which makes her respect you less… which makes her less attracted to you.
A high status guy would give a sincere compliment because he mean it, not because he’s seeking her approval… and he would be specific, not generic. Like, “I think your black dress is so beautiful! It really shows off your sexy figure. Wow, it makes my heart speed up. Hey, isn’t our waiter so funny!? Did you notice how he was writing that stuff… bla bla” He says the compliment but doesn’t wait for her to be impressed, he moves on.
A low status guy would give her a compliment as a means of getting her attention and ultimately her approval. He might say something like, “Wow, has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?” But then he might wait for her response expecting her to be so thankful for his compliment… and that pause where he’s waiting for her response is where she figures out that he’s trying to get something from her…. likely her approval.
So, as a rule, don’t seek her approval. Don’t seek anyone’s approval unless they’ve proven themselves to be an authority on what ever you’re seeking. Ask a plumber if you have plumbing questions. Ask a priest if you have religous questions. But don’t give away all your power to each new person… it makes you seem weak or an emotional vampire. Your goal in life should be to seek your own life answers and to figure things out for yourself, not rely upon the world around you to do shit for you.
Don’t seek approval.
High Status Person:
- Leans away from others, almost as way of gaining personal space.
- Seems easily distracted which makes others have to fight for their attention.
- Walks with their head up and almost looks down their nose at everyone else, as if to say, “Who are you and what do you want from me?”
- Doesn’t mind giving you eye contact but doesn’t hold it because there’s other things to look at.
- Walks slow and deliberately but never seems in too much of a hurry, as if to say, “The world can wait until I get there.”
- Shoulders back, chest out, almost as if they’re walking with a superman cape on that’s blowing in the wind behind them.
- Takes up space when they sit down, leans back, and pushes their crotch out in front of them vulnerably (because they don’t fear being harmed from others.)
- Seems very comfortable with everyone at all times.
- Asks questions out of personal curiosity.
- Seems fulfilled and content.
- Smiles slightly less than the next guy.
- Laughs slightly less than the next guy.
- Seems social.
- Leans into others, almost as a way to gain their attention or approval. This creeps others out.
- Gives the other person talking too much focus and attention and is not easily distracted… as if to say, “Everything you’re saying is VERY important to me.”
- Walks with their head down and almost looks up their nose at everyone else, as if to say, “I’m sorry, please forgive me.”
- Gives poor eye contact or sometimes too much eye contact… basically seems shifty and awkward.
- Shuffles feet, walks way too fast, or walks without any confidence.
- Shoulders bent forward, chest caved in, almost as if they’re purposely trying to hide themselves.
- Takes up as little space as possible when they sit and will seem like they’re protecting themselves because they fear everyone else.
- Seems uncomfortable with everyone at all times.
- Asks questions to keep other person engaged and forced into longer conversation.
- Seems desperate and needy.
- Smiles too much out of nervous ness.
- Laughs too much out of nervousness.
- Seems antisocial.
Being Social Is Attractive
Status is like TIME … it’s relative.
It’s different from different perspectives and is ever changing. One girl might find you attractive, while another won’t.
A gifted doctor might have status a Surgery Conference, but walking into a popular young night club he might not…
But this is great news because it means any guy can display, or be perceived as having, high status at any given moment. It’s simply a matter of framing yourself as high status at all times. (Framing is an NLP term.)
Your job is to simply act and behave like you KNOW you have higher value than the girls you meet, without appearing obnoxious or like a douchbag. By acting, talking and reacting as if you’re high status you’ll be displaying more attractive qualities than a guy who seems lower status. It’s that easy.
Being higher status isn’t real so there’s no need to act like you’re actually better than other people.
It’s the balance of being socially calibrated while still being personable and modest.
By simply being social you’ll be more attractive than 99% of the guys she meets.
When you’re immature and superficial this social game of status is about being better than the next guy… but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m approaching this idea from a more mature and giving perspective…this is a game about being social, fun, and safe to be around.
You’ll notice how the “low status” guy acts? Awkward and strange… that makes women think he’s going to skin them and wear them like suits.
Instead you need to learn how to be more social.
Be more social.
By learning how to talk to people, in a comfortable way, without constantly seeking their approval, you’ll find it’s much easier to meet women.
I’m not talking about being the life of the party, I’m simply talking about forcing yourself to every new person you meet in the most appropriate way you know how. That means making small talk with the fat girl bagging your grocieries, and flirting with the hot bartender who’s taking your drink orders. Even chatting up the pizza delivery guy.
Talking to strangers is like doing reps at the gym. It slowly strengthens your social muscles, and teaches you how to act and react to what people do and say.
And then, when that super hot blonde is behind you in line at the store you won’t act fucked up, or wierd… instead you’ll tell her the funny story about the last time you were in line and the guy behind you kept touching your tomatos.
Being social is how high status dudes get high status… so start there and gain some social calibration.
Every conversation has two people displaying their status and power through body language and expression of energy. And there’s always one person with slightly more power than the other.
Pay attention and learn the body language of the powerful people you see and meet, then start mirroring them. Are they reserved and quiet? Are they social and fun? Do they lean back and relax? Do they walk slowly and with confidence? Copy them. Your body will feel more confident which will lead your mind to do the same.
By the way, when you mirror the person you’re with you’re saying “we have equal value” which creates rapport. Rapport is needed, but only after you’re sure she’s attracted to you. So start with slightly higher power/status body language, until you’re sure she’s interested… then she will start to mirror you, but you can also mirror her.
Your homework is to watch all of the Ocean’s 11 movies and to copy the body language of George Clooney and Brad Pitt. They are the perfect role models for confident males.
Does this make sense or am I full of shit? Anything’s possible…