QUESTION

What are the drawbacks to being insecure?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few months now. I like her and I know she likes me. We have the same interests and met on a video game we both enjoy.

She is just very shy and not open with her emotions.. and it really makes me insecure because we never have those cute phone calls or moments other couples do. And it annoys her when I ask if she likes me or question our relationship, she says I am testing her feelings for me.

I just wish she would open up to me more so I wouldn’t have to worry.. is this a fault on my end?

Do I just need to stop being insecure and just enjoy being with her?

A photo posted by Robby (@ignoreandscore) on

ANSWER

Man, I’ve been there!

Here’s what I’ve learned…

There’s really two parts to your question… am I the problem when I know I’m feeling insecure … and is it okay for her to be shy in a way that leaves me confused?

Being Insecure

Being insecure is super normal when you’re starting a new relationshp. You’re vulnerable to being hurt. Being emotionally vulnerable can be the most exciting and most traumatic. So it’s scary. So don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way.

Realize that we don’t choose our emotions. How we feel isn’t a choice. So pat yourself on the back for having feelings, it means you’re human. So if you’re feeling insecure about being insecure, you can stop that now. Haha.

Drawbacks

Clearly the drawbacks of being insecure is how it makes you feel and then how it makes HER feel. She’s going to find you gross and repulsive, like a wet blanket that’s ruining her mood. Like a needy child she has to manage when she doesn’t really want to.

When you’re secure it makes her feel safe with you. And it will actually inspire her to have a slight feeling of insecurity herself… which works in your favour because it puts you on her mind more often, and tends to make her want to cling to you more. Which is probably what you want if you’re feeling insecure, but it’s not what you want when you’re actually feeling secure. It’s a mystery how we humans operate. Ha!

Feelings Aren’t Facts

How you FEEL doesn’t imply that your worries are valid. Maybe they are, but probably they aren’t.

Feelings of anxiety are just your body’s way of reacting to what you’re thinking. What ever you’re thinking is making you FEEL that way. So to change how you FEEL you have to change how you THINK.

Trust me, this is true.

A photo posted by Robby (@ignoreandscore) on

If you’re thinking about her constantly and you allow yourself to see how it might feel if she dumped you, then you’re going to feel nervous, anxious and highly concerned. Those thoughts make your body feel anxious and insecure. You feel uncertain. Uncertainty is the worst.

Being insecure likely means you feel unprepared for some outcome you’re fantasizing about. Probably that she’s not really into you, or that you’re making a fool of yourself, or she’s going to leave you, etc, etc. All the things we all worry about.

It’s a mistake to NEED her validation before you allow yourself to relax. Asking her if she like you is the perfect way to kill her feelings of attraction. Being needy murders a woman’s attraction. So don’t EVER do that. It’s okay to FEEL that way, just don’t act on those feelings.

When you ask a question like that you’re basically saying “I can’t feel comfortable in my own skin, or with not knowing where I stand with you.. please oh please take control of my feelings for me and make me feel better… I don’t have the man strength to manage my own feelings so YOU do it!”

Clearly that’s bad. Being “a manly man” requires us guys to grow accustom with being uncomfortable sometimes. You will survive. It’s not that bad. You’re not about be beheaded in the centre of the city, like if you lived in Saudi Arabia. So get some perspective! ┬á­čśÇ

Instead CHOOSE to either want to be with her, or not. Not because you NEED her to also want you too. That’s her responsibility, and her business, not yours.

The Pain Of Attachment

You can be committed without being attached. You can be with just her without NEEDING to be attached to her. You can care and love without attachment.

It’s our attachments that bring us suffering. Our unreasonable need to control everything and everyone is what attachment is… when in reality everything is CHANGE.

Everything is always changing.

All relationships change and grow or fade. Accept that, let go, and you’ll be free to enjoy what’s happening NOW, today, this moment with her. It’s a buddhist way of thinking and it free’s us from suffering and anxiety.

Basically you should recognize that you’ll be okay if she leaves because you’re a great guy and you’ll be fine, and she’s a great girl and deserves what ever she wants.

Relationship Expectations

Finally… it’s perfectly okay to want your partner to be more open and to share their feelings more openly so that you know where you stand. If thats what you want, tell her that’s what you want.

If she can’t meet your needs then you simply move on and meet someone who can.

I will add this… it’s possible that she’s hesitant to share more because she’s worried about being judged by you. This can develop if you’re overly judgemental about others in your life, and she sees that. So be wary of how you judge the world especially when she’s paying attention.

The hard truth is that she’s probably not that into you. Because it’s rare for a woman to NOT want to open up and share her feelings with someone she’s been dating for months. Most women can’t stop sharing. While most guys clam up. Which triggers the woman to act like you are.

My point is this… mirror her level of sharing, this will help immediately. Be as open as she is. And if you don’t like how it feels, then choose to be with someone who’s more like you. The world has WAY too many awesome women worth getting to know to waste your time trying to make this one girl fit your needs and expectations.

That’s like buying some shoes that you discover don’t fit but wearing them anyways because it’s too much trouble to return them for a better pair.┬áHahaha!

~ Robby