Before you judge my reasons you best read what I have to say about this epic dating problem…
Here are my Top 10 Reasons “Being Nice” won’t get you the girl.
Reason 10:
When you’re busy asking her, “Should I pick you up? Where should we go? What should we eat? ” she’s busy thinking, “I don’t care either! Why can’t you just be a man and make a decision for us?”
The Lesson: Stop trying to handle her with kitten gloves, stop following her around like a lost puppy dog, and learn to LEAD your dates. Learn to make decisions, learn to surprise her, and finally stop asking for her permission and approval. Most women are very happy to be lead on each date like it’s an adventure – instead of being asked to drive the bus.
Reason 9:
When she says, “This is complete bullshit! You knew how important this was for me, it’s my god damn birthday! Why didn’t you make the reservations, you fucking idiot!? Are you just fucking lazy, or are you really that fucking stupid!?” you’ll say, “Oh baby, I’m sorry! I really do care, it just slipped my mind… oh man, I promise I really WILL make it up to you.. oh man, I’m so stupid.” instead of, “Hey, the last thing that’s okay is for you to talk to me like that. When you calm down and can act like an adult we can go and celebrate like you deserve. Until then I’m out of here.”
The Lesson: Have boundaries and enforce them. No woman can be attracted to a guy she doesn’t respect. If you let her walk all over you simply because you’re desperate for her to like you, the you’ve already lost her. Being nice won’t buy her respect, but standing up for yourself will.
Reason 8:
You sit at home pouting that you’re not rich enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough to meet and attract the type of women you really want. This prevents you from walking over the women you meet, simply because you’ve already assumed you’re not good enough. And while you’re sitting there hating the “bad Boy” who’s talking to her, he’s thinking “she’s cute, but is she worth my time?”
The Lesson: You need to understand this if you ever wish to “pull” your dream girl - her preferences don’t matter. If women only dated pretty boys with money, most women would be single.
It’s not how you LOOK that matters, it’s how you make her FEEL that matters. There’s a huge difference between being GOOD LOOKING and LOOKING GOOD.
Reason 7:
When you’re saying, “Wow, you’re just so beautiful. Sure I’d love to give you hand. What time do you need me and my buddies at your place to help you move? Can I pay for it?” she’s thinking, “Wow, this guy is super nice. He’s going to make a really good friend.”
The Lesson: You can’t simply “super-size” how nice you are and expect she’s going to suddenly choose to become attracted to you. Attraction isn’t about how nice you are, it’s about how attractive you are. Learn about attraction (unconscious emotional response) and you’ll discover that there are many subtle ways you can turn her on, but being SUPER NICE isn’t one of them.
Reason 6:
Instead of taking taking your female friend out (who you’ve secretly had a crush on for years), to have fun, drinks, and a possible bedroom adventure, you’ve decided that “taking action” is too risky, and have chosen the “logic” of a hand written love letter explaining all of the deep desires you have for her, and how you plan on ultimately sweeping her off her feet. Instead you creep her out because she thinks you’ve been lying to her all this time.
The Lesson: Love letters and other over-the-top romantic gestures have way more power when she’s already attracted to you and you’re well into a relationship – not BEFORE you have a relationship. This is just creepy. Taking action, and leading her on a fun dating adventure with you is WAY MORE POWERFUL than using words. You can’t logically convince a woman to become attracted to you, but you can influence her body’s emotions while with you. Bring her mystery, adventure, and fun and she’ll start to FEEL things…
Be a MAN and take ACTION!
Reason 5:
In your desperate attempt to connect with her you dump all of your deep emotional stories and drama on her lap, but instead you’ve just scared her away. She’s not your mother. She doesn’t want to know you’re vulnerabillities until she’s earned her way into your life.
The Lesson: “Bad Boys” keep their core insecurities and emotions all bottled up and hidden, and this can be very intriguing to a woman who thinks they can get into his soft goey centre. He becomes like a puzzle she needs to solve. To be attractive you should find the middle ground between being open and honest while keeping your deep emotional upsets hidden until long into your relationship. Allow her in, but do it slowly over time – not within the first 10 dates.
Reason 4:
You keep showering the hot waitress with compliments and attention hoping that it will finally buy her affection when her real interest is in the bad boy at the bar who barely notices her.
The Lesson: Putting a girl on a pedestal while showering her with gifts and praise is nice – and most women love this – but she simply can’t feel attraction for you from up there. If she can’t respect you (and how could she from way up there) then she can’t feel attraction for you. The typical “bad ass” doesn’t waste time trying to raise a woman up: he spends time taking her down a few notches. Instead you need to find a middle ground where you can be playful and tease her like she’s nobody special, while never being condesending, rude, or insecure.
Being “nice” isn’t a way to barter for her attention. You can’t trade your approval for hers – it doesn’t work that way. Instead you need to see her as equal to you, if not slightly less. Force her to work her way into your good books and she’ll thank you for it.
Reason 3:
You ruin the most perfect of date by ending it with a hug and by saying, “So, am I your type? I really had a great time! Can I please see you again?” which sub-communicates to her that you’re too insecure to risk kissing her, that you need her approval to feel good about yourself. The “bad boy” doesn’t doesn’t seek her approval which ultimately fascinates her.
The Lesson: Any action that you take that communicates “I need your approval” will kill her attraction. She wants to feel that you can handle yourself in any given situation, even if things are going bad (that includes having a date with her where she’s not happy with you) so asking her anything like “how am I doing” will scream to her the success of this date is completely in her hands. The “bad boy” doesn’t worry about whether she had fun or not: he is only concerned with his own fun.
It’s better to just kiss her, if you feel like it, and deal with the consequences. It’s better to leave her wondering if you enjoyed the date and will call her again, because it puts you in her thoughts. You might want to know what she’s thinking about you, but never ask.
Reason 2:
When you meet a really attractive woman you become unduly obsessed with her, convincing yourself that she’s “the one” when you don’t even know her yet. This intense focus of attention will only make her realize that you’re superficial (you don’t even know the real her yet) and that you’re really creepy.
The “bad boy” allows her to convince him of her worth, thereby helping her to feel she’s “earned” his attention and affection, and she will ultimately find him more rewarding to be around.
The Lesson: We don’t value anything that’s free. If you give her all of yourself just because she’s pretty, then what does that say about your value? It tells her you’re superficial, that you’re not worth much, and that any next hot girl will gain your attention just as easily. If, instead, you assumed high value, and really took your time getting to know her before you start showing her your deep affection then she’ll FEEL that and she’ll appreciate you WAY MORE. Make her earn your high opinion of her.
Reason 1:
Ultimately you’re “acting nice” around any beautiful woman simply because you’re trying to manipulate them. You likely don’t even realize it.
Instead of saying what you really think, you’re editing yourself because you’re worried about offending her, turning her off, or losing her interest. By allowing her to walk all over you, take your time, money, and energy, you’re expecting her to return the favor by through her attention and affection. You’re asking her to exchange your approval and energy for her approval and energy.
You think that you can trick her into liking you by pretending to be that Romantic Hero who treats his woman like a fairytale princess – except you demand her attention, affection, sex and love in return for your payments.
This is called manipulation.
The Lesson:The “bad boy” doesn’t waste a woman’s time by being fake. He’s upfront about his thoughts and opinions, and ultimately comes across as authentic, even if he’s a little bit of a pig. Ultimately she’ll avoid the “jerk” because he’s selfish and self-centered. Wwomen are more likely to trust a pervert who’s honest about it, than a “nice guy” who’s only pretending to be nice.
How do you know if you’re being nice or just being fake? Do you give a girl compliments because you want a “thank you”? Do you give a girl gifts and attention with the expectation that she’ll appreciate you more for it? When you expect anything in return for your “good deeps” then you’re trying to manipulate her through your actions. This isn’t authentic niceness. It’s fake and creepy.
Women don’t want “bad boys” even when they’re attracted to them – they want honest, sincere, fun guys who are nice BUT who also have backbones and who value themselves more then some random girl with nice tits.
~ Robby
P.S. Want to learn more about getting the girl? Read my book here. :)
18 Responses
Excluding the few spelling mistakes (Robby Edit: Sorry A Boot That *sad face* ), this is very well written, with solid advice that actually makes good sense.
Obviously a competent writer with a lot to say on this topic, your book is quite tempting.
Ahh well I’m a girl and I can relate to some of this (in the girl pov). These are good advices.
The problem may be that every girl is different, obviously. But I think dignity definitely gets you far. And also taking the lead, it’s one of the most important things.
Number 2 is full of crap. While I agree that this advice is good for the younger generation of women who are unsure of themselves and need to have their “pony tails” pulled like pre school in order to like a guy. Usually real women, mature women don’t need a guy to act like he doesn’t care, be a jerk, or ignore them to appreciate him.
I just read this thing let I am still all alone with my millions of dollars and cheep girls who use me for my cash.
I hope this will help out the simpletons. but i am still suck in my jail of cash and boobs.
;o(
While I can’t argue with your math (money CAN buy you attention from prostitutes) I do feel bad for your language skills and low self esteem.
“If women only dated pretty boys with money, most women would be single.”
HAHAHA it’s probably why I’m single! But that’s a whole other story…
This is all great advice, and so true! We don’t want guys to be jerks, but we do want guys who are MEN! Men who take the lead, and respect themselves. Because if a man can’t even respect himself, how is he going to respect any woman!?
Reason 9 is gold – and for the girls: a lady would NEVER speak that way to a man! If you’re mad, you should not talk to him at all. Yelling gets you nowhere and it’s emasculating to the man. Better to ignore him and let him come to you when he’s ready to make it up to you. If he doesn’t, he’s obviously not that into you, and whatever he was doing to make you mad, was probably his passive aggressive way of pushing you away rather than breaking up with you directly. And now I think I’ve gone way off topic… sorry!
(PS – Billy is a big liar!)
Thanks Princess T! Love the comments.
P.S. Your blog is fantastic! ( http://princesstee.com/ )
Thanks Robby! Love your blog – I’ve added a link
I AM that guy you mentioned – last girl shook me up bad because I realized how freakin’ needy I was and she was a critical, judgmental and egotistical girl who I felt was “damaged enough” for me – healthy girls wouldn’t touch a guy like me.
My problem is that I feel like a piece of crap about myself and it shows – I’ve been working hard on it, but it is so deeply ingrained (alcoholic Italian father worked my self-esteem to nothing over 20 years – feels irreversible) that I don’t feel that I will ever be able to “fake it ’til I make it” because I have been faking it my whole life – I get the girls, but the neediness comes through eventually and I blow the relationship. Someone might say “you gotta love yourself” or “just have fun with your life without a girl, they will see you having fun and flock to you” but I can’t love myself, it has been too much self-hatred ingrained and I don’t have fun because all I focus on is finding someone to love and accept me and everything else has no flavor without that.
I HAVE noticed that I just don’t get any attention from girls most of the time. I smile at them, chat when I have the chance, but they just seem to have ZERO interest. I project confidence from years of practice, but it is usually the aggressive, damaged girls that pick me out.
I don’t want to give up here, but I am getting close to it. What is the “game-plan” for the really needy guy once he has played the “game” and got the girl? How do I avoid the inevitable collapse into neediness when it is always there and all it takes is one anxious moment to expose it after dating for a while?
I KNOW that I need to change my thinking, but I am realistic about the damage that has been done to me and how far I would have to travel to get there – if it’s even possible.
Please don’t flame me here, if you only knew the emptiness and frustration I feel about this, or could walk in my shoes for a week, you would totally understand my situation.
Great comment dude, thanks for being so open and honest! I’ll send you an email with my thoughts. Basically it takes courage to grow and heal from past traumas (thanks Dad!) I can give you some suggestions but the hard work is yours… but I’ve seen enough guys and girls pick themselves up to KNOW it’s possible and KNOW it’s definitely worth the effort!
This post are great. Everything is so true and practical. You are great Robby. I can relate myself in many ways ti the things mentioned here!!
Robby, thanks for your books. They’ve been insightful and helpful.
However, it might help to drop the “creepy” tagline. You’re not in middle school anymore. And I hope your female friends and acquaintances have grown past that childish adjective. It’s close to use of “hentai” in Japan – often used inappropriately to describe uncomfortable advances or peculiar male behavior.
Thanks dude. I bet you don’t like the word “Dude” either eh?
Or the word “eh”?
I’m Canadian.
The word “creepy” isn’t childish. That’s like saying the word “vagina” is childish.
Wow.. the word “vagina” is actually kinda creepy!
Ask ANY woman of ANY age if the word “creepy” still applies and you’ll discover there’s no other word that’s as perfect for describing the uncomfortable/dangerous feeling some guys give women.
Ask around and you’ll see that I’m right. Unless I have some female readers that disagree? Perhaps I’m about to learn something…
I will back you up here Rob, simply because the behavior of men that get this label IS childish. Plus the word “creepy” is the word most women use, and there really isn’t a better description for some of the creepy shit guys do to women. (I have to admit though that the West is nothing, creepiness knows no bounds in Japan)
Oh hey, creepy commenter. I am fluent in Japanese and the word “hentai” or “sukebe” is used constantly and is not shunned as being childish. So clearly you know nothing about Japan except what you have learned from the Hentai porn you watch.
And Rob, you are so gracious. If guys like this take an arrogant dump on my blog I am not kind.
I agree with just about every points you’ve made, Robby. I’m the “bad boy” you constantly talk about, I can’t help it, I like women and I love sex but I also love myself enough to know that no one is going to love ME more or better than MYSELF. (Yes, I can be selfish, and it’s my prerogative). It took some hard work to undo all the traumas I suffered in childhood and my youth experiences have taught me that we are born ALONE and we die ALONE, no woman is going to change that.
I will not write about what women want or the way they are because every woman is different and I suspect that more than half of them don’t even know what they want, it’s our ‘job’ as guys to help them make up their mind by being honest about what we want and what we’re about.
My advice?
Love YOURSELF and you won’t need a woman to do it for you, she’ll need you to do it for her
Amazing comment, thanks Fred!
I might warn you that being selfish is another way we let the world control us… when we react to the outside world by blocking them out emotionally we might be keeping ourselves safe, but ultimately it leaves us alone and guarded. Don’t stay too jaded about your past… there is a fun healthy balance of selfishness and selflessness that FEELS good.
There’s also a surprising satisfaction we feel when we GIVE instead of TAKE. I believe love, for example, is something we can only feel when we GIVE it. That’s why women can be creeped out by stalkers… because these women don’t love their stalkers back.
What’s my point? I’ve forgotten. Thanks for the comment!
I understand, Robby, and you’re perfectly right. Give and take is the name of the game. Scratch my back I’ll scratch yours and so on…
As for being alone, that’s never been a problem for me, I’ve always enjoyed solitude, it builds character and has allowed my creative side to flourish.
But even that is soon to be of the past: I’m getting married in a few months. Yep, this one’s getting hitched, I’ve finally found a woman worth my efforts and my time after 20 years of fooling around.
Love is not dead, guys, it just has a very distinct knock and you have to recognize it and be able to open the door when it does knock.
Good luck to all and be safe in your meetings.
That’s fantastic! Have fun!