Are you making the same mistakes that MOST men make when dating online?

Dating online has many of it’s own intricacies outside of the normal dating dynamics that we experience in the “real world” so in order to keep this blog posting small I’m simply going to stick to the foundations: your photos, your profile description, and your mindsets.

Photos:

- Post Three RECENT Photos

- The first one must be your most attractive photo. Either get one made, or have a friend catch you in your best light. You must be smiling. This one image is the most important in your entire profile.

- Your second photo should be you with friends, camping, or at dinner, or fishing, or something where you’re being active and social. This is great for social proof and it shows you have passions (fishing? Racing? Flying?) and that you have friends.

- Your last photo should be unique enough that it gives any woman who finds you attractive a reason for an opener. If she can’t figure out what you’re doing in the photo then she might say “What’s with the blindfold?” This is like Peacocking and gives a woman an easy opener. Plus it helps make you slightly mysterious and interesting. (I have a photo where I’m blindfolded in the middle of field because of an Amazing Race game I was in.)

- For some reason women love horses so if you can get a photo of one add it. Even if it’s not your horse. Horses pretty much rule for women. I hate them personally. When she asks about it just say “I’d rather not talk about it…”

- DON’T post a photo of yourself shirtless unless you’re on the beach with friends and playing volleyball. She’ll immediately be turned off even if you’re totally ripped. This just looks desperate.

- DON’T post 10 photos of yourself from your webcam. This shows you don’t get out much.

- DON’T take a photo of yourself in the mirror. I hate that. It shows you don’t have even 1 friend.

- DON’T post any photos older then a year, unless you haven’t changed at all. And trust me, YOU HAVE changed.

- DON’T AVOID posting photos. If you have no photos you’ll have no chance.

- DON’T post drunk photos at the bar. This doesn’t communicate anything good.

- DON’T post photos where you’ve used some terrible paint program to erase the girls photo who’s in your arms. Get another photo and post it instead you lazy bastard. Women do this too and it drives me crazy.

- DON’T post photos that help you brag about your financial success. Bragging is the worst thing ever.

Profile Description:

- Keep it brief. Two very brief paragraphs are enough. If she looks at your photos and thinks you’re cute she might read the profile. But she won’t read a book. Besides you’ll never convince her to feel attraction for you with your words. You’ll convince her by helping her “feel” how interesting you are, and how “fun” you seem. If she “feels” you have personal power, self esteem, and choice with women, you’ll get way more responses.

- Outline who you are, and what you enjoy doing. Try to paint a picture of yourself that’s both interesting and fun.

- Say something about your passions. If you love your job then say so. If you love a hobby then say so. Anything that makes you sound well rounded while listing your preferences will help her she’ll develop a better idea of who you are and what your personality is.

- Outline exactly the type of girl you’re looking to meet, as well as the types of girls you DON’T want. Amazingly the more specific you are the more responses you’ll get. In my own profile I explain that I prefer the shorter women because they’re easier to hug. And inevitably I always get women saying “I loved your profile, although I’m sorry to say that I’m likely a little too tall for your preferences…” Don’t worry about filtering too many women out, that’s the point. This is powerful.

- Try to add some personality into it. Add humor.

- Smile when you’re writing your profile. This helps for some reason.

- DON’T sound like an accountant who’s simply trying to find a baby maker.

- DON’T have spelling mistakes and poor grammar.

- DON’T talk about being nervous for dating online. Don’t make excuses for your actions.

- DON’T apologize for anything. Eg “I’m sorry my photo is so blurry because.. bla bla…”

- DON’T ramble on and on about stuff. Try to keep it short and precise.

- DON’T bother bragging about money, income, friends, or feats. It has no impact until they get to know you. Then they will totally surprise and impressed you’ve never mentioned it.

- DON’T bother sounding bitter, depressed, desperate, or otherwise like a loser. Winners aren’t whiners.
 

EXAMPLE

Your profile will be doing MOST of your pickup so this is where almost all of your efforts should be going before you start worrying about what to say in your openers.

Here’s an example profile I just wrote for my 21 year old Nephew. He’s 21, 6 foot 1, athletic, self-employed, and ruggedly good looking. This is on PlentyOfFish.com

NEW MINDSETS

Old Mindset: I’m hoping to find a girl who likes me, and I hope she’s cute.
New Mindset: I’m seeking an attractive woman who fits within my desires and brings something special to the table.

Old Mindset: I should contact as many women as possible because I only expect a few to like me. This way I’ll have the greatest number of possible responses.
New Mindset: I only want to contact the women that fit my criteria because I don’t wish to waste time chatting with women who will not suit me long-term. My focus is quality over quantity.

Old Mindset: I hope I don’t say something stupid because if I embarrass myself online it might get back to my friends, or it might be awkward if I run into this woman on the street.
New Mindset: All of my online interactions are anonymous and safe and this makes for an amazing sandbox to test out my own pickup theories, story lines, or banter. Besides most women really do like having fun.

Old Mindset: I need to respond to every woman who writes me because I don’t want to feel bad by ignoring her.
New Mindset: I will only respond to those women I truly find attractive because I’d rather not lead on anyone I’m not really interested in.

Old Mindset: Women are very choosy and I need to make sure my profile fits as many women’s preferences as possible! This will give me better odds at attracting a woman.
New Mindset: I’m very choosy and the more specific I make my profile the better and more qualified the woman will be who chat with me.

Old Mindset: If I let a woman know how special and unique I think she is, the more she’ll feel comfortable, and the more she’s going to like me in return. Women LOVE compliments.
New Mindset: If I start a conversation with a woman by complimenting her on her appearance I’ve just shown her that I’m like every other guy, and she’s going to have a gut feeling that I’m somehow trying to manipulate her into liking me back by using something as silly as a compliment. My compliments will be scarce, specific, and very genuine and sincere.

Old Mindset: It’s very important for a woman to like me to be attracted to me.
New Mindset: Attraction IS tension, so I’ll have more of a chance at creating attraction if I’m unique and fun, even if it makes her not like me at first.

Old Mindset: Women who don’t post photos are all ugly as sin.
New Mindset: Many beautiful women don’t post photos because it brings them too much attention.

Old Mindset: If I manage to get a girl to talk to me the more likely she’ll start to feel attraction.
New Mindset: A woman will feel attraction immediately or not. I will make our first interactions have the most impact as possible because the longer we chat, and we DON’T meet in person, the more likely she’s not going to ever meet me.

Old Mindset: If a woman’s acting bitchy she’s a bitch.
New Mindset: If a woman’s acting bitchy then she’s likely just testing me. It’s often just her way of protecting her soft underbelly, and I don’t blame her. These “tests” are kind of fun.

Old Mindset: The longer I chat with a woman the more likely she’ll feel connected to me. This connection is her attraction for me.
New Mindset: The longer I chat with a woman online without meeting her the less attraction she’ll feel for me. The longer it takes for us to meet in person the harder it’s going to be to EVER meet her.

Old Mindset: If a girl doesn’t want to meet in person then she’s just not interested.
New Mindset: If she’s still chatting with me, and I’m enjoying it, but she’s hesitating to meet up then she likely needs to feel more trust and rapport with me.

Old Mindset: It’s really hard to make an emotional connection while chatting online.
New Mindset: It’s just as easy to bond online as in person.

Old Mindset: I have to tell her amazing stories to make her like me.
New Mindset: She has to tell me amazing stories for me not to get bored. To keep things interesting I can sometimes share some of my crazy stories.

Old Mindset: If I ask for her number too soon, and she’s not ready to give it, then I might blow it.
New Mindset: I don’t need a girls number UNLESS we ALREADY have a date lined up.

Old Mindset: If she’s attracted to me it’s only because my profile is well written and my photos are totally Choice. What happens when she meets me in real life and I’m totally not what she expected?
New Mindset: If a girl finds me attractive on paper (online profile) then she’s going to be blown away by me in person. I just hope she’s as cute and fun as she seems…

Old Mindset: If I really like this girl I need to make sure our first date is totally romantic and perfect. I need to really make an impression.
New Mindset: If I really like this girl I’m excited about meeting her for coffee! That should be plenty of time to determine if she’s awesome or crazy.

Old Mindset: I have to make sure not to say anything that might upset her, otherwise she’ll stop talking to me.
New Mindset: I need to be myself as possible because it’ll help her relax and act more natural, it’ll help us create a better more authentic connection, and if she doesn’t like me as I am then I’m saving myself time out on an uninteresting date.

Old Mindset: I hope she’s not chatting with other guys. I hope they’re not more attractive then me!
New Mindset: I hope she’s chatting with other guys so she doesn’t get too into me too soon.

Old Mindset: I should make sure to not tell her any stories that would embarrass me.
New Mindset: If she’s a really awesome girl I’ll share some of my more embarrassing stories because she’ll get a kick out of them.

Old Mindset: I should agree with her as much as possible to make her like me.
New Mindset: Sometimes it’s fun to disagree, as long as we share other points of view.

Old Mindset: When I have her number I feel more comfortable “texting” her phone because she can answer it when ever she has the chance.
New Mindset: If I have a girl’s number she’ll feel more compelled to chat with me if I call. If I JUST “text” her then she’ll not feel as connected with me.

~ Robby

<Top photo credit goes to Kristin!>

I tried an experiment some time ago, but today I’m inspired to share it with you. 

Here’s what I did:

- I created a fake online profile as a cute Asian girl on the website plentyoffish.com (a website I’ve dated many women through.)

- I posted simple info about my fake self and then waited to see what kind of emails and attention I’d get.

- I let the profile run for only two weeks before taking it down.

- I NEVER replied to any email or comment I ever received.

- I kept copies of the most disturbing emails and comments to share with you.

Why would I do this?

I basically wanted to confirm the rumors: that women get more attention through online dating websites then I ever did, and that they’re forced to deal with some real creepers.

When I was heavily into online dating I was getting a few emails a day, and it took me a few months to build up a “favorites” list. This is a list that basically outlines women on the site who’ve given me their “thumbs up.” It’s a type of online social proof. The more women who pre-approve of me, the better.

Here were my discoveries:

- If you’re a cute girl you will automatically get many more emails than a normal cute guy (I’m the cute guy comparison, so this isn’t necessarily very scientific.)

- Men will often be FAR more direct in their online messages than they would on the street (or so I’m told.)

- The many messages I received during my 2 weeks online as “Jeanine007″ started to blur together, each one sounding exactly like the last one.

- I came to realize that if all the men online sounded exactly the same then the only reason I’d click on their profile (as a woman) would be because of their photo.

- Without EVER responding to these guys I still scored on many “favorites” lists. I can’t understand why someone would add a girl to their favorites list without ever talking to her… but my favorites count went from zero to 60 within two weeks.

- Some of the messages I received were COMPLETELY creepy.

- I couldn’t believe how poor the grammar and spelling was in most of the emails I received. Unbelievable! Why do most guys think punctuation doesn’t matter!?

- My eyes were opened to how lame we guys can sound when we act generic, desperate, or needy.

I’ll let you be the judge. 

Here is the profile I posted:

I kept it simple and the girl “just cute.”

The Replies

Here are the gems of what this profile received (I won’t include photos of these guys, but you can imagine.) The last one I’ve added was the longest and I’ve chosen not to edit it for your pleasure.

———————–

Holy crap, how cute is she!…. The business of online dating makes me feel desperate, not sure what to make of it. If you make a friend I guess its all worth it. Strange and or beautiful experiences can happen if you do something out of the “NORM” I guess. Drop me a line, say hello, tell me your secrets, run for the hills, or whatever. I’m liberated, sarcastic and fun so tell me a joke or fly to Mexico with me.

Your move.

T

-———————-

How are you name is shaynn and friends thought i could use some incentive to start dating again so i thought why not, so i’m on here humoring them. so how are you?

———————–

You are by far the hottest human ever made. I really have never said that to anyone

———————–

Hi,how are you,my name is Alex,i’m single,loyal,never been marred no kids…
i look your pic…i like you you are beautiful girl,i wish to talk with you to know you please…
if you have any Q…feel free to ask me.
hope hear from you soon.
best wishes.
Alex.

———————–

Hi.

My name is Sven & I tragically lost my virginity in a plane crash over Nevada. The other members of my band seem to be missing & I’ve been wandering this desert ever since…

Your cute bum is like a northern star, a golden dessert flower that could light up these skies and return me to a life of bad 80’s covers.

Will you help me to clip my mullet & get back on the radio, jeanine? i promise to put your, ahem, behind a really loud guitar solo.

———————–

wow your so sexy great pics

———————–

hey how are you? you look really cute! im new to this online dating thing.

———————–

well maybe coffe over tea, actully if there’s toast all take the tea lol. drop me a line if u’d like to chat sometime.

———————–

hey sexydoll, what you upto tonite? daaaaaaamn wish i could pleasure your sexiness

———————–

hi are you interested in a sugar daddy

———————–

hey there, i was just checking out the different profiles and yours caught my eye…you might be a keeper…haha…i am just a healthy, active ,nice guy looking to meet a kind hearted girl who has a passion for life and a great sense of humour..i would like us to start as friends so i can get to know you…that way we can both build up that trust level that any good solid friendship should always have if it is worth anything….what do you like to do for fun?……..

Franky

p.s….you seem like a sweety

———————–

hello.
what do i say?..and how do i do this?,cause i felt you seem worth trying a second time.

i guess i should have a template in such manner to save the letters on my key board, as per any sad pick up lines are you shall not have to worry,i dont have any,im lacking wish that department anyway., 

So lets try the honest approch.., im looking for friends. as lame as this sounds -> perhaps your different from most others.

im positivly sure WAY out of my leauge, cause im older and your hotter, But if i might have a chance with your friendship perhaps i might just grow on you enough to make you fall in like with me.

Well. perhaps i should get back pretending to now, may we talk in msn? Im wishing this is easier FOR ME, aswell my flirting is more effective. cause im sure im needing to dig deep to ever be lucky enough to earn holding your hand.

———————–

… I will try to intrigue u more??? I have my profile, yes, but this may provide more insight…

So you’re somewhat of a poet? This will bode well with me as I write a well. I would like to know more about you if you are open to that? Like how would you would describe a perfect relationship? What are you looking for in a man? 

So know I will just write a “bit” and hope you find it useful, some of it observations….

You know, I find it highly unfair that if you don’t choose a “Fish Personality”, your only option is “No Personality”, and although I think there are some good options on that drop down list because - indeed - someone is going to judge you on your “fish personality”… really? There are clearly some bad ones on that list! I can’t see anyone picking the sea urchin, suckerfish, crab, clam, barnacle … Like WHO would choose barnacle or any of these? Basically a barnacle is a shell-like creature that attaches itself to rocks and sucks and feeds off plankton and any other crap that comes along. I like seafood a lot, but the picture one draws from such negative “personalities” is distasteful - I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, to another or me. Thus, I chose none “No Personality” than a barnacle or something some one else would choose, as I am one of a kind as would be the person or “fish” that I would swim through life with - weather it be storms or calm waters we swim together as one! 

Hmmmm.. you ever notice that while you’re clicking on people, you tend to gravitate towards certain people? So I’ll click on someone, read their profile and don’t think it’d work. Then a little while later, I’ll click on their picture again, recognize them, and think “I’ve already looked at this one!” … and then it happens again! You’d think I’d recognize the lady and figure it out, and subsequently stop clicking on their picture!  oh well … human nature, GUESS we’re attracted to certain people, and it is a bit out of our control. Ha ha ha!!

Ok .. so I’ve re-read what I wrote in my profile and it looks like I probably didn’t stress enough how much I am a romantic, with quite confidence that is exerted if the situation requires. I am one of a kind that women talk about but I am not sure they really want?! Further, let’s just say I want someone who keeps in shape, I do, it’s not something I just enjoy, it’s my lifestyle so that and laughter are important to me, perhaps you think that makes me one-dimensional but if you think so, then feel free to click on one of the lovely gentlemen thumbnail pictures above.  

Further, I’m goal-oriented, self-driven, witty (comes from my English background I guess), don’t take _____, and I basically do what it takes to get there. This also translates to my professional life – except it is two working as one. I have learnt a so far if life and I want to learn a lot more and find that love eternal. With my eclectic work experiences has subsequently made me more marketable, who knows maybe this translates into the personal? One does not go without the other. I guess the same can be said about the women I want to meet – she wants to grow and learn, open to new experiences. Face it we all want something fantastic and surreal. A relationship where you learn from one another as you hold hands throughout your life together… too much to ask? In this day and age one would think so… but life is a journey and although it is sometimes scary, I’m loving it!

“The things we do should consume us. If they don’t, our lives won’t have any meaning.” - John J. Kelley

[CAUTION - those who are allergic to laughter, someone being romantic with you, protected, having fun, enjoying life, and loved... just wait.. stop there .. and DO NOT HIT SEND]

hmm. .. perhaps it is best that I take what basically I wrote before in a marketing class… it’s out of context but I think it’s most accurate:

I’m extremely independent and very much “take-charge” kind of guy… an Alpha guy, if you will. I know what I want and I get things done… I have little patience for dilly-dallying. I’m often on the go but I can definitely kick back and enjoy doing nothing and relaxing. Actually, when I do have those occasions, I revel in it. When I’m not doing the usual things… like working, working out, blading, hanging out with friends, I LOVE cooking, playing my guitar, writing, and enjoying a glass or two of whatever… often it’s wine, hence my collection of wines, but what I enjoy most is creating an experience… so whatever suits the meal best, I’m open. I guess you can call me a bit of a foodie. Because of this, I also love trying new restaurants, new cultures, occasionally dressing up to the 9’s for my lady (jumping out of my T’s and jeans – face it I wear a suit and tie every day!). I’m pretty open to doing most things… trying new things as long as the company and conversation is good, and often it is, because I’m very picky as far as who I spend my time with, since I tend to have little of it. Of course, I gravitate towards doing active things but I also love going to shows, plays, musicals, theatre, inline skating, gym, football (soccer for the North Americans) etc 

Knowing these things, I know the kind of partner that works best for me. I need someone who’s confident, sexy, independent, open-minded, forward, and outspoken. I’m an Alpha guy but I don’t always want to be in charge, things are situational, and that role becomes taxing and tiring so having someone who’s more forward and willing take the reigns works well for me – face it you have a brain and thoughts lets go with that too! Having someone take the Alpha role gives me room to take on a guiding and supportive role, which I think is important too. 

I also want someone who enjoys the same sorts of things I do… not exactly everything because who wants a replica of themselves? But someone who will share in the things that I enjoy most… whether it is in the capacity of doing the same things or being supportive.

There also has to be strong chemistry… playful, fun, flirty banter keeps the relationship young and on its toes. Someone who can dish it out, but can also take it – you don’t have to be always right. I also need someone who speaks their mind and isn’t afraid of doing so.

One more thought - I don’t believe in the concept of someone who “grows on you over time”… Moss grows on you over time, fungus grows on you over time.. the only things that get better with time are wine and cheese but I already have a liking towards both to begin with. Some have described me as kind, cold, and caring (what a mix) when it comes to relationships but that’s only because I know what I want and if it doesn’t fit, why prolong it? I respect the other person way too much to put them or me through prolonged sentiment, but I DO REALIZE a relationship takes WORK! Of which I give it my ALL.

If things sound good to you and you would like to talk more, message me. I hope to hear from you soon.
Terry

———————–

Subject Lines from the FIRST DAY of the profile being up

• Hey
• hello
• dessert flower
• You sound sweet
• HI THERE 
• hi
• Hello Stranger
• Buenas Noches
• sigh
• fun
• HELLO
• hello
• good morning
• hi
• howudoinnnnnnnnnnnn! lol
• hello beautiful!
• hi there
• HI
• Hi
• good morning
• hmmmmmmmm sounds fun
• hmmmmmm
• OK!!!! Hoses are Grey and
• 66
• hi
• Fancy poem
• hello
• A friendly Hello
• Hello
• Hi!
• what shall I say?
• hi
• hey
• hey there
• hi
• HI
• hey
• the poet
• nice profile
• hi there
• hello
• hi im david
• i never know what to say but …
• hello
• hi
• re
• —-
• hi
• hi
• hey there
• tequila shot
• hello there
• )
• your pretty
• hi
• roses
• cofee or tea works for me
• omg
• jingly subject line here
• hi
• cute dog
• chat

What can we learn from this simple experiment?

Women have more bullsh*t to deal with when trying to attract a man online than I ever realized.

Ultimately I’ve decided that even though most of these guys had no idea how to draw a woman’s response, I hadn’t created a profile of a girl who’s interesting enough to really draw the attention of men of higher quality. 

If your initial opener is simple, sincere, and not the EXACT same as every other guy’s, you’ll likely stand out.

If you’re going to date girls through an online website just make sure you DON’T sound like all of the above examples.

~ Robby

The dynamic of your relationship is completely exposed by the way you hold each other’s hands. In my endless effort to help men understand women and dating I’ve compiled this quick (and very scientific) report on why couples hold hands and what impact it has on the dynamic of their relationships.

I’m not a writer. At least I don’t see myself as one, and lord knows I barely passed high school English, so when I’m told that my blog posts are too long it surprises me. Looking back I can see that your criticisms are well founded. I tend to blab too much. So this blog post will be my attempt at brevity and to-the-pointed-ness.

I want to perform a science experiment. And by science I mean Google search, and by experiment I mean find-photos-that-support-my-suspicions.

Will this blog end up in a peer-reviewed science magazine?

Mom says no.

Will it provide you with a piece of the puzzle that is Dating Dynamics and therefore a significant step towards greater success with women and dating?

Absolutely.

Why do couples hold hands?

To connect: [ New York Times article ]

Because it’s natural: [ Otters holding hands ]

For healing: [ Reuniting Online Article ]

Good reasons for holding her hand?

There are two major reasons to hold her hand when you first start dating:
1) When you’re leading and protecting her (helping her through the paparazzi, around the club, across the street, or into your vehicle.)
2) When you’re bonding. This is either during the honeymoon phase Honeymoon Phase of your relationship or after you’ve already had sex.

Bad reasons for holding her hand?

1) To dominate and control her. It communicates to her that you don’t respect her enough to let her make her own decisions. It also indicates that you’re so insecure about your relationship with her that you refuse to allow her to operate independent from you. This is sad. Don’t be this guy.
2) To tell other men she’s your property and off the market. These are the guys who are always watching which other men are looking at their girl. His insecurity is that she’s going to find someone better, and she probably will. Women like dominant men, not domineering men.

Hand Holding also indicates who’s wearing the pants in the relationship

I did a quick Google search and didn’t find any hard evidence to support this theory but I’ll pretend like I did. When you see couples holding hands you can always tell who’s the ‘man’ and who’s the ‘woman.’ The person’s who’s hand is on top, or infront, of the other’s hand is the leader.

Most women, and I’ll generalize here because it’s my blog, prefer a man who leads them. He leads her to safety, leads her to fun, leads her away from danger, and leads her onto their next adventure together.

If you’re not willing to walk in front of your woman while holding her hand (as a wall of protection against the dangers of the world or simply because you’re leading her from one place to the next) then she’ll unconsciously FEEL your weakness and possibly feel frustrated with you.

Hollywood couples

Don’t believe me?

Here’s my extensive research in the matter:

As you can see these leading men are setting the example.

How about two Alpha’s like Bratt Pitt and Angelina Jolie? This one is more tough:

Here are some more examples:

These are interesting…

Here are two couples that didn’t last… for some reason… you do the math.

In Conclusion…

Early into your first few dates find any reason you can to lead her by the hand. Perhaps you’re helping her out of the car, to your table in a resturant, or through a crowded room. This helps you frame the rest of your relationship VERY early. Plus this will invite her to trust you, and to follow you. As an added tip; if you’ve taken her hand to lead her somewhere be sure to release it before she does.

That’s all I got.

~ Robby

P.S. Don’t be like these guys.

[ Hot Chicks with Douchbags ], [ The Angry Lobster ]

The Deadly Sins of Attraction: Acting Needy

Developing the skills to meet and attract women takes time, patience, and a willingness to experience different interactions. If you ’re struggling to attract and keep quality girlfriends in your life then you’ve likely mastered the “wrong” things. Are YOU doing the wrong things?

If you’re great with women and dating it’s because you took the rights steps, over and over again. If you’re terrible with women and dating it’s because you took the wrong steps over and over again. By the way, standing still is just like taking the wrong steps: doing nothing is still a choice.

What we don’t always realize is that our failures can become just as habitual as our successes if we don’t pay attention to the results we’re getting.

This means that if you’re struggling to attract and keep quality girlfriends in your life then you’ve likely mastered the “wrong” things. We are all the masters of our own habits and are each responsible for the lives we’ve developed for ourselves.

When we behave in ways that push a woman away then we’re committing sins that are killing her attraction. I will call these the Deadly Sins of Attraction.

The Deadly Sin of Attraction Number 1: Acting Needy

There are very few things that you can do that will make a woman instantly unattracted to you, like acting needy. Women are surprisingly forgiving when it comes to the silly things we men do, but the negative things that acting needy sub-communicate are so completely undeniably unattractive that she’ll run in terror from you the instant you do them.

What does it mean to be needy?

Being needy is something a newborn baby does. It’s dependent upon someone else for its nurturing and growth. Mothers don’t mind because their role as a parent is to nurture and domesticate.  

Being needy is NOT something a man does.

If you’re a grown man, and you’re displaying neediness then you’re sub-communicating that you’d likely be a burden, a leech, or an emotional vampire.

Women are naturally attracted to men who are fun, confident, funny, intelligent, emotionally mature, and who seem to have something to offer. Women are NOT attracted to a man who sub-communicates that he’s a burden.

The key is to NEVER display signs of neediness. It’s really that simple.

How does a woman know if you’re needy? Your actions and behaviors tell her if you’re needy or if you’re fun and attractive.

Obvious indicators that you’re a needy guy

Unless you want to instantly repulse a woman DO NOT do any of the following:

• Don’t call/text/email her 5 times simply because she hasn’t returned your call yet. example
• Don’t act overly interested, overly aggressive, or too forward when you first meet her. If you don’t even know her yet then why are you acting like she’s so important? This shows her that you lack subtlety and will instantly come across as desperate. example
• Don’t waste time/energy seeking her approval. Asking her “Am I your type?” or “are you having a good time?” is a great way of saying “I have no confidence and I need you to tell me how to feel. Please like me!”
• Don’t sit around the phone waiting for her to call. This includes immediately replying to her email/facebook/myspace/text message. This reeks of needy. She knows you were sitting there waiting because you replied four seconds after she sent it. Live an active life style and reply when you get some free time.
• Don’t stop dating other girls the second you meet one “you really like.” This puts too much importance/pressure on this new girl before you’ve even given yourself a chance to get to know her. Only stop dating others once the two of you have decided upon a committed relationship, and this should never happen quickly. Needy guys settle as soon as they can, while non-needy men take their time and act more selective.
• Don’t try to spend every free night you have with her. Unless you’re only free once a week this will come across poorly. She would rather you were busy having a life and not sitting at home alone waiting for her to visit.
• Don’t cancel your other appointments simply because she’s suddenly free. If she sees you cancelling on your other friends just for her she’ll see how little value you have on your time and on your friends. Attractive men are sometimes the hardest to schedule time with because so many other people are vying for his time. She’ll appreciate the time she DOES have with you so much more!
• Don’t act jealous when other guys talk to your date. Jealousy kills attraction, especially when you’ve only first started dating. For example: you’re on a date and she gets a text message from a guy you don’t know. The best thing is to not notice or care. The worst thing to do is continue to ask her questions about the guy. This also includes asking her endless questions about her last boyfriends in comparison to you.
• Don’t waste your dates kissing her ass while trying desperately to please her. This includes gift giving, spending money, giving her endless compliments, or otherwise putting her on a pedestal. Woman like being worshipped by some men but they don’t respect or feel attraction towards these guys.
• Don’t brag. This is the same as the point above but I feel it deserves its own point. Bragging is the best way to sub-communicate “I don’t think you could like me as I am so I’m going to try to impress you with my many useless accomplishments instead. Here they are in alphabetical order.” This is sad.
• Don’t supplicate or accept bad behavior from her. If she does or says something you don’t like, it’s your job to challenge her. If you allow her to walk all over you she’ll NEVER feel attraction for you, and worse she’ll lose respect for you too. It’s through the resistance of difference that sexual tension grows therefore if you don’t resist she’ll see that you’re just another spineless “nice guy” that she doesn’t want to be around.
• Don’t force her to drive the bus. If you’re asking her out on a date, then it’s your job to “take her on an adventure.” When you pick her up for your date it should all be mapped out in your head. It’s not her job to suggest where to eat, what to do, or where to go. If you’re wasting time with questions like “Well what do YOU want to eat? Where do YOU want to go?” then you’re asking her to drive. She WANTS you to drive. Being a man sometimes means leading. If she really doesn’t want to do what you have in mind she’ll say so.
• Don’t try to win her over by being exactly the same as her. Commonality is good for comfort and bonds friends but it’s not as useful in building tension and attraction. Plus, as soon as you’re not being yourself she’ll be able to tell. Women are finely tuned to the body language of others, and when you’re stepping out of your comfort zone to “act” or “behave” as someone else so as to impress, please, or comfort her, she’ll be able to tell. She might not know why you’re acting weird but it’ll creep her out, and she’ll assume there’s something wrong with you.  

Here’s something you should realize. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Perhaps you really ARE needy. This doesn’t mean you have to ACT needy. Step into the shoes of a guy who doesn’t smother a woman with affection, attention, phone calls, emails, or emotional drama simply because he’s desperate for her approval, and watch how quickly your success with women and dating turns around!

Just because you’re hungry doesn’t mean you should eat. Just because you’re lonely doesn’t mean you have to behave needy. Sometimes we must use our common sense to dictate our behaviors, instead of letting our emotional bodies decide for us. Be a man, make the right choice, and don’t act needy!

~ Robby

(Photo by Barbara)

 
When it comes to understanding women and dating you must be willing to stop trying to figure women out and finally choose to understand that attraction isn’t about logic, it’s about feelings, emotions, and our genetic instincts…

Women are illogical.

This was what I used to think. Their actions, reactions, and motivations had always eluded me.

I’d see attractive women dating unattractive guys or pretty girls with “rig pigs.” Everywhere I looked I could find smart women dating dimwitted muscle heads, or women chasing cocky a**holes. I’ve had many female friends go back to exboyfriend’s who cheated and I’ve met amazingly passionate married women who refused to leave their abusive relationships. It seemed so very illogical.

I can still remember thinking:
- If I like a girl I’ll tell her.
- If I like a girl I’ll treat her with kitten gloves, consideration, and mindfulness.
- If I like a girl I’ll bring her gifts, buy her dinners, and shower her with compliments.
- If I lose weight and dress well then women will like me.
- If she just understood how much I like her she’d finally see how great I am! I should just tell her!

And yet girls would avoid me, reject my advances, or don’t call me back.

My accumulation of female insights have come from my mom, my sisters, and the endless movies and television I’ve watched. They told me that:
- women want the nice guy over the super jock.
- women don’t want to play games.
- women like compliments.
- women should be put on pedestals, praised and adored.
- women are precious and sensitive, and should be handled with kitten gloves.
- men need to work and earn a highly attractive woman’s attention and affection.

Yet what they were SAYING and what they were DOING seemed to be complete opposites. Very confusing.

This lead me to make some very wrong assumptions: If a girl says she wants something, and I provide her with it, then in return she’ll want me. I kinda figured that was how attraction worked. This made sense. It seemed logical. The more she liked me as a person, the more she’d be attracted to me as a man.

I was wrong.

Finally I’ve learned that the problem isn’t with the logic.

My LOGIC wasn’t wrong - women really DO like compliments, nice guys, and being put on pedestals. But what women WANT and what women are ATTRACTED to are two very different things.

One of the problems is that we men think we’re being logical.

We pride ourselves in it. We love puzzles, we love fixing things, and we love completing a project. You can almost smell our pride whenever we’ve solved a riddle, provided a solution, or come up with our own insight about the world. This is one of our greatest gifts.

So when our logic starts to fail us, like when women are rejecting us for being too nice, we can become terribly frustrated, deflated, and depressed. I know because I’ve experienced these feelings intimately for years.

Our mistake is that when we meet an attractive woman we try to attract her using LOGIC. Either we think we can CONVINCE her to like us or we do LOGICAL things like giving her gifts, bragging about our accomplishments, talking about our successful careers, showing off our abilities to make money, showering her with compliments, or telling her how we feel about her. Yet despite our best efforts she’ll always grow more distant, disinterested, and ultimately repulsed. This seems ILLOGICAL because ultimately our assumptions about what attraction is are wrong.

What adds to our frustration is seeing other guys getting the girls. Other guys who aren’t nice, who don’t listen, who don’t compliment, and who don’t seem to have anything going for them at all.

The truth.

Women aren’t puzzles, they’re people.

This is what I’ve discovered: The confusing actions women take and the seemingly illogical dating decisions they make have NOTHING to do with what women PREFER and everything to do with how they FEEL.

Logically women PREFER beefy men with a million dollars in the bank and who are endlessly showering her with gifts, attention and praise but obviously if that’s the only thing women were attracted to then most women would be single.

Instead I challenge you to see the truth.

A woman doesn’t date an a**hole because he’s GREAT LOOKING (or because she’s insane) she dates him because of the way he makes her FEEL.

While we are busy in our own heads THINKING, women are in their own emotional bodies FEELING.

Before I continue to generalize too much I should mention that women think just as much as any guy, and men have just as many feelings as any woman - but in a very general sense men and women operate within their heads and bodies differently. Men tend to spend more time developing their logic processes, while women tend to have a better mastery of their emotional processes. It’s the world of the Feminine and the Masculine.

Ultimately women are JUST like men but they listen more closely to their feelings. Instead of worrying about what a woman THINKS you should be paying attention to how she FEELS. If you can make a woman FEEL something then you’re already heading in a direction that most men aren’t. The next step is to help her FEEL good things and to associate those feelings with you.

The problem is that when you’re spending your time kissing a woman’s ass, buying her gifts, or generally exposing how desperate you are for her attention, you’re having very little effect on her emotional body. If she feels nothing then you’re just another dude trying to impress her. And if she’s particularly attractive she’ll have developed a life-long system of avoiding dudes exactly like you.

Attraction isn’t a choice. (I learned that phrase from dating Guru, David DeAngelo) Women don’t CHOOSE to feel the way they do. This concept is often misunderstood, especially by very smart guys, so pay close attention. When a woman isn’t attracted to you there is NOTHING you can do or say to her that will change that. AND if a woman IS attracted to you then there is nothing her friends or family can say or that will change that. She doesn’t CHOOSE to feel the way she feels. This is powerful.

Women aren’t men. They don’t act and behave based on the same things we do.

The sad truth is, the more you try to use LOGIC to figure out how to “get the girl” the more you’re likely to act in a way that will scare her away.

Women may appear illogical, complicated, and impossibly chaotic, but I’m here to tell you that there IS reason behind the madness. Women ARE logical, it’s just that they have different fears and expectations than we do. We guys think that women are like us - if they see someone who’s physically beautiful we assume that they’ll automatically be attracted to them like we are. This really isn’t the case. Perhaps this is why there is so much porn for men, but very little for women. Men are so completely visual that it’s hard for us to understand what really attracts women.

A woman falls for a man’s personality and eventually loves his appearance, while a man falls for a woman’s appearance and eventually loves her personality.

Let’s wrap this up.

I love MINDSETS, which are basically a type of belief system, so here are some that you should consider when trying to attract a woman:

OLD MINDSET: It’s very important that you don’t do anything to make her dislike you. If you say something stupid, or if you say something wrong, she’ll automatically become disinterested in you.

NEW MINDSET: Women don’t need to like you to be attracted to you. It doesn’t matter what she thinks about you, only how she feels about you. Her feelings have such an influential force over her decision making that it almost doesn’t matter what she’s thinking, only how she’s feeling. This is specific to dating. Obviously in the long term she’s going to have to like you if she’s going to stick around.

OLD MINDSET: Women only want to date rich guys. Women only want to date men with six-packs and rippling muscles. Women only want to date men with HUGE junk in their pants.

NEW MINDSET: What women prefer and what women respond to are VERY different things. She may prefer a man who’s rich, ripped, or gifted, but she’ll date any guy that she trusts and is attracted to (rich or poor, thin or fat.) I’ll talk about what women are ATTRACTED to in another post.

OLD MINSET: Men need to convince a woman to like him. The dating process is for her to decide if he’s good enough.

NEW MINDSET: Men and women use dating as a tool to discover each other’s passions, charms, histories, and possible romantic connections. The guy needs to challenge her just as much as she needs to challenge him. Dating is like playing tennis together on the same side of the net, instead of against each other on opposite sides of the net.

OLD MINDSET: A woman will only be attracted to you if you pass her qualifications - almost like a checklist. It’s your job to discover her list, and to make sure you match it.

NEW MINDSET: Attraction isn’t a choice (from Attraction Isn’t a Choice by David DeAngelo) Women have no choice who they’re attracted to, just like we have no choice who we’re attracted to.

OLD MINDSET: I should pay close attention to what women say they want so that I know how I should act and behave.

NEW MINDSET: I act and behave according to my own path and moral structure. Besides it’s more important to understand what women ACTUALLY respond to as opposed to what they say they want.

I hope this gets you started in a more positive direction, while letting go of the old logic you may have been tripping over until now. Remember, it’s not important for women to make sense, it only matters what they respond to. As we begin to explore what attraction REALLY is and what women RESPOND to, we’ll come to appreciate women for who they are, instead of being frustrated for who they’re not.

~ Robby

I’ve spent many years exploring, testing and interpreting the major components of successful dating strategies (for men) and I’ve distilled them into four major categories:

H = Heal

A = Action & Attraction

T = Tease

E = Escalate

H = HEAL

Before any man can learn to attract and keep a confident and beautiful woman he’s going to have to take some time developing himself. For some men this first step is brief, easy, and is drawn from a life of confidence and success. For the rest of us, and dare I say that’s most of us, this first step is not only the most overlooked, but it’s also the least appreciated.

We can spend our entire lives trying to understand the deep psychology of the female mind and her sexual motivations, but unless we’re acting from our own deep core of stability, inner confidence, and esteem, our outward expressions towards women can be unbalanced, unhealthy and ultimately fruitless. Sometimes this inner personal development is referred to as inner game. If dating is a “game” then this is the internal preparations that are required long before you even bother going out to meet women. It’s your beliefs about yourself that dictate how you act and behave.

Imagine that you were in a terrible fire and most of your skin was burnt or damaged. For the next few months your skin would be terribly raw and would be extremely painful to the touch. If someone came along and wanted to lightly touch your skin you’d likely react badly to them. But once your skin was completely healed you’d likely feel fine with people touching your skin again. When we date and experience a life time of emotional traumas, heartaches, disappointments and personal rejections our inner emotional body can become damaged and raw. What we overlook is that it’s through this damaged emotional skin that we interact intimately with others.

If we have a damaged emotional body (negative body image, resentment towards women, bitterness, low self-esteem) we can act defensive and guarded in an effort to keep ourselves, and our beliefs about ourselves, safe.

Being defensive and guarded makes intimacy very, very difficult.

Therefore we must start with a healing self introspection stage which is the letter H in The H.A.T.E Method of dating. This stage is the FIRST stage, but should NEVER be used as a reason for stalling the rest of the stages. As long as you understand that there are some inner development issues you need to attend to in your “garden of beliefs” then you should feel free to explore and experiment with all of the other stages of The H.A.T.E Method as well.

A = ACTION & ATTRACTION

If any guy who is “bad” with women simply took more action (cold approaches, self development, social networking) he would immediately and incrementally become more attractive to women - automatically. It’s so simple it’s disgusting. Just like eating less causes most over-weight men to lose weight, talking to more girls causes “shy” men to date more women.

Attraction doesn’t have to be an accident. Too many men are hoping to win the lottery while the highly successful few are earning their own fortunes. The few men who are “amazing” with women are the same guys who have decided not to leave attraction to chance. You can learn how to save money and build a fortune just like you can learn how to meet and attract beautiful women.

I dated for years misunderstanding the fundamentals of attraction. I used to think that women wanted to be friends FIRST and that over time they would inevitably become attracted to me, especially if I was super-size nice. This is a long-term strategy that rarely works. I’m now simply too lazy for this approach and have since learned it’s not necessary.

Attraction doesn’t take a life-time to build - it happens naturally and within moments.

My focus within this blog will cover the specific insights that bring about instant and long-term attraction in women. Keep in mind that ALL methods of attracting women will work when done correctly, even if some ideas conflict directly with other ideas, it all depends on the man who’s using them. Ultra alpha-confident men can get away with pretty much any pickup line, and any approach style to attract women. It’s not the methods that work but the underlining MEANING behind them. It’s not what these guys are doing but who they’re being that draws women to them so “naturally.”

Those men who have endless success with women and dating are the same men who are willing to take more action than the rest. Those who succeed in their life pursuits are always the men who have been willing to fail the most.

Successful dating requires this same mindset: be willing to take more action (as I’ll outline throughout this blog) and you’ll automatically create more attraction.

T = TEASE

After you’ve managed to create attraction then it’s time to build a connection.

When we were kids we intuitively understood the process for building and creating friendships: storytelling, sharing, playing, play-fighting, trusting, and physical contact. The ultimate bonding activities always included some type of play.

I’ve never fully understood the psychology behind this, but teasing each other can always been found within the foundations of bonding and rapport. We learn that we shouldn’t openly express our feelings towards our friends, or at least we learn being open and obvious isn’t fun, so instead we’ve learned to sub-communicate our affection towards each other through verbal game playing. For example being sarcastic to help mislead our intentions is an amazing form of social play.

If we learn to understand and appreciate how our intentions affect the way we tease others we can learn a very fun way to bond with women. If our intention is to hurt someone then teasing can be a powerfully destructive tool. But if our intent is good natured and fun, then teasing appropriately can be a powerfully constructive tool.

Flirting IS teasing, in case you haven’t yet made that connection. Since teasing is a skill set it’s something you can learn and master over time. This is exactly why you should immediately start teasing and playing with everyone woman you meet. Understanding the fine line between being a tease and being a bully will help you develop amazing trust and rapport.

E = ESCALATE

I can’t count how many times in my past where I finally built up the courage to talk to a girl only to have an amazing conversation that went nowhere. Cold approaching women is an amazing skill to have (it’s easier than you think), but if you’re unwilling to continuously escalate your interactions with women then you’ll simply end up in the dating purgatory we call the “Friends Zone.” This place is a stagnant and embarrassing place to be, and can almost always be explained by a man’s lack of escalation.

Simply learning the natural stages of dating will immediately help you bridge the gaps from meeting her to becoming intimately involved.

If you get these four foundations of dating under your belt you’ll not only find that you’ve earned the secret keys to the kingdom, but you’ll start kicking yourself for all of the silly things you used to do. Being “Full of Hate” doesn’t just have to be about personal anger and bitterness but can be the tool that you use to pivot yourself out of despair into an affair.

I will be dedicating this blog to the concepts of healing, taking action to build attraction, teasing her to pleasing her, and all of the steps in between.

~ Robby

Understanding why we act needy, and learning how to prevent this bad behavior, is a HUGE part of becoming a more attractive man.

How many times have we given our buddies advice on how to stop acting needy?

“Dude, you gotta stop acting needy! Stop calling her every day, stop asking for her approval, stop asking her, stop asking her, STOP! Dude, just start dating other girls. Date two or three at a time!”

This isn’t bad advice necessarily, but it doesn’t actually stop us from BEING NEEDY, it only helps us to stop ACTING NEEDY. Don’t get me wrong, I really do understand and appreciate the powerful effects of ACTING leading to BEING. Fake it till you make it.

I have a suggestion instead. This helped me get through a divorce and many needy summer nights until I actually STOPPED BEING NEEDY.

What is it we’re “seeking” when we’re being “needy”?
- Attention
- Approval
- Love
- Connection
- Physical/Emotional Pleasure
- Fulfillment
- Contentment
- Certainty
- Purpose

Will dating more girls help with this?

Perhaps, but only in the short term.

I consider this an external solution to an internal issue. The love and attention of the “next” girl might help fill up a void you’re feeling in the moment, but will it solve the reason for the void? The problem with this solution is that you’re dependent upon others (women, friends and family) for something you should be providing for yourself (approval/attention/love.)

Let’s play PRETEND for a moment

Let’s imagine words in the above list (Love, Attention, Fulfillment, etc) were all types of FOOD. When you’re not being fed FOOD you become hungry.

Now let’s imagine you’ve grown up getting fed by Mom and Dad. This is because you didn’t know how to feed yourself. Except let’s pretend that they only fed you when you were being good, getting good grades, and behaving. Now let’s imagine they, and all of society, never took the time to teach you how to grow your own food, or how to prepare and cook it.

Can you see how this might be in their best interest? If you do what they say then they can control your actions. In return you get to eat. You also grow to become dependent upon them, and upon the Fast Food chains of social conditioning.

Now you’re an adult.

Let’s imagine that at home your kitchen is bare and your garden is empty. This is because you’ve never learned how to grow food, or how to cook it. Now imagine a beautiful woman comes knocking at your door and she’s got a pizza. You’re starving so you’re very excited to see her!

Except she sees how hungry you are so she has two choices:

- She can put conditions on the food she might share with you. Perhaps she wants you to behave a certain way before she’s willing to share. This helps her get what she wants, and helps you keep fed.

- Or she can simply leave because she’s creeped out by your appearance or your behavior (you’re skinny from being under fed and you’re desperate for food.)

This scenario is common.

Finally, imagine you took some time and simply went out and slowly accumulated all of the skills required to grow food in your own garden. Then you slowly mastered the culinary arts. Suddenly your kitchen is completely filled with food. And not just raw vegetables but gourmet meals and amazing homemade pizza!

Imagine that you’ve become so good at it that you are in complete over abundance. You have more food then you could ever eat! You’re fat and healthy with food! So you invite friends and family over to help you eat it.

Now imagine the hot blond shows up at your door again with a pizza. Imagine how uninterested you might be her food. When she offers you pizza you can say “Thanks, but I’m full. But since you’re here, wanna come in and try some of my Lasagna?”

Imagine the difference between begging for food, and offering food.
Your kitchen is your heart. Your thoughts are your garden. Your love and approval is your food.

When you give yourself permission to “fall in love” with yourself you’ll automatically stop acting needy with others. We chase others because we’re looking for something. But when we learn how to grow “food” for ourselves, we can start GIVING instead of TAKING.

There are an endless supply of self-help books that explain how to develop ourselves, as well as how to develop the healthy psychology that propagates this type of inner healing and growth. Go buy some and read them.

Listen to how you talk to yourself:
- Are you judgmental towards yourself, or loving and caring?
- Do you keep picking at old scabs of embarrassment or are you self-forgiving?
- Are you discouraging or encouraging?
- Do you allow yourself to enjoy your own company, or do you have self-distain?

Pay attention to the passions you have in your life:
- Do you have hobbies that bring you passion?
- Do you have friends who make you laugh?
- Does your work bring you fulfillment?

If you have thoughts that bring you unease, then stop thinking them. If you have a job that makes you feel unfulfilled then get a new one. If you have friends that are overly critical or judgmental then remove them. These are weeds in your garden.

The way you would ultimately want your “perfect woman” to treat you is EXACTLY how you should treat yourself: with surprises, with little gifts, with adventures, with passion, with trust and caring and forgiveness and tenderness and love!

Once you’re abundant with self-affection/approval/love you’ll be able to start giving it away instead of seeking it like a starving man.

~ Robby

Did you know that “darkness” isn ’t real? You see, it’s just a word we’ve made up to describe the absence of light. Here’s the real challenge: what if “confidence” isn’t real either?

Let’s say you’re in a room with absolutely no light…. it’s pitch dark. How much light would it take to destroy the perfect dark? Any amount of light would immediately change the entire appearance of a dark room. Even one single match would bring about HUGE change to a room. You can’t bring more “darkness” into a room to bring it back to its perfect dark state. Your only option is to remove the distraction of the light.

What does this have to do with confidence?

Well what if confidence isn’t real? What if confidence is simply our description for a lack of insecurities? Remove your insecurities, your worries, and your limiting beliefs and all you’re left with is a pure natural state of calm confidence.

There is an Buddhist concept that describes the mind as a mirror. They believed that this mirror reflected everything around us, but over time dust would accumulate on the mirror which would distort what was reflected. This is why many of them thought it important to always be “polishing the mirror” as an attempt to keep their minds free of vexing thoughts or negative beliefs.

I’m even going to go one step further: I’ve come to believe that we’re born innately confident. Not some “level” of confident, just simply confident; free of shame, ego, and fear.

As newborns we’re naturally confident because we haven’t yet learned pain, fear, negative consequences, or had time to become socially domesticated with insecurities. I believe that at our CORE we’re all perfectly confident.

We don’t grow up “developing confidence.” This is ridiculous. That’s like saying we grow up “learning to be alive” or “learning to grow hair.” No!

I believe we’re all intrinsically confident, shameless, and perfect.

But if we’re innately born confident, then why do so many of us suffer from a “lack of confidence?”

My answer? We don’t.

How can we lack something that’s not real?

None of us actually “lack confidence.” This is the fucked up thing. This is a misconception society has led us to believe. We all have the same level of confidence because there are NO LEVELS of it. We are ALL confident.

The problem isn’t with our levels of confidence; our problems are with our levels of insecurities. We all have dust on our mirrors…. and a few foot prints too.

The problem with insecurities is that they tend to have such a loud voice in our physical and emotional bodies that they destroy the perfect darkness and calm of our natural state of confidence. If a perfectly dark room is destroyed by the blaze of one single match then our perfectly calm natural state of confidence can be destroyed by the blaze of one single insecurity.

If you think about our natural state of calm as being perfect confidence then you can imagine how much damage a single insecurity might bring. If you’re in a nice quiet room enjoying the peace, and one guy comes in the room and starts talking it’s going to be very difficult to not notice him. Even if your eyes are closed and he’s only whispering he’s likely to grab your attention.

Now fill your “peace of mind” room with a hundred voices of insecurities all talking at once, each one fighting for your attention. Imagine how difficult it would be to hear and use your inner calm and peace.

This leads me to think that it’s a mistake to come to a conclusion that says “I just need to develop my confidence” because then you’re basically agreeing to the idea that you have less confidence than you once did. You’re basically buying into the idea that confidence is something you can have and in certain quantities. This allows you to believe you can lose your confidence, or be without it.

This just isn’t quite real. Confidence isn’t a muscle you can build, it’s not something you’re missing, and it’s not something someone else can give you or take from you. You always have it, it’s always there, and it’s never going away. The real problem is that we’re all full of insecurities that are preventing us from appreciating the power of our intrinsic state of calm and confidence.

I’m telling you that we all already have a pure perfect confidence, but that we’re not connecting with it because we’re being distracted by our monkey minds.

Our job as men is to realize this truth while learning to remove the voices that are destroying our calm. Our goal isn’t to build confidence, because we already have it. Our goal is to remove the negative disempowering voices that distract us, and regain the control of our attention despite these voices.

Remember the old saying “You get more of what you focus on?”

What you think about gains your attention. What gains your attention gains influence over you. It’s time to be aware how we’re allowing ourselves to influenced.

Remember when you bought your first car? I’m hoping it was a Honda Accord. Then for the next month all you noticed on the streets were other Honda Accords? This isn’t because everyone in your town is a slave to your preferences, it’s because your mind was on your new car, and your attention was suddenly attuned to everything Honda Accord.

I just went through this same process because while writing my own book I’ve grown a beard. I happen to hate the idea of wearing a beard, just like I hate mustaches. And so to keep myself on track, by writing more and more each night, I decided not to shave. This helped me to grow the most magnificent beard ever. I had two assumptions: the first was that women would avoid me because my beard was unkempt with nasty white hairs and secondly I thought I’d stand out more because nobody wears beards except the homeless.

Two things have happened. The first thing I’ve noticed is that I can still attract women using the same skills sets as when I didn’t have the beard. I truly didn’t expect this. My first night in the clubs with this ridiculous thing I ended up kissing two different girls (who are best friends.) The second thing was that all I see now are beards, on every other guy. Either this is a huge coincidence, or my attention has been drawn to beards simply because it’s on my mind.

If our focus is upon having more confidence, which isn’t real, then we’re wasting time and energy on an impossible outcome.

Instead I’m proposing these suggestions:

1) Stop resisting your insecurities (this empowers them), but don’t identify with them either (doing so integrates them into your identity.)

2) Insecurities are like dirt on your mirror. If you’re filtering your reality through dirt then all you’re gonna see in life is dirt. Address the insecurity and remove it. This is polishing your mirror.

3) Identify with your intrinsic endless confidence, and appreciate it.

As soon as we stop trying to “build our confidence” or “grow a pair” maybe we can start to notice the calm quiet wisdom of our own minds that is often overshadowed by the dramatic screaming of our insecurities.

~Robby

“Beautiful woman are invisible. We are so dazzled by what’s on the outside that we never get to what’s inside.”

~ George O’Hearn (Character from Elegy 2008)