Your note reminded me of a great quote: “We don’t see the world the way it is, we see the world the way WE are.”

You’re right, it’s all perception.

If I choose to perceive women as all beautiful but also human and vulnerable, then I don’t get offended when she doesn’t want to give me her number and I don’t feel so upset if she cheats on me, and I don’t feel the need to be angry when she does things I don’t agree with.

Luckily enough I spent many years later being social… slowly making small talk with strangers in grocery stores, volunteering for events, and mostly just working in socially challenging jobs. I slowly learned that people LOVE talking about themselves and interacting with fun people. When I was silly or fun people would laugh. I learned that making people smile was nice. Etc.

1) Counseling is always okay, even if it’s not the solution to your problem. Why? Because forcing yourself to sit down and explain how you’re thinking and feeling helps give YOU perspective on yourself, your life, and your challenges. How often do we sit in a room and verbalize our insecurities and thoughts? Rarely. So it’s a healthy thing. Just do it for the experience of it!

2) I suspect your expectations of a “more meaningful relationship” are what’s holding you back. Either you’re scaring people away, or you’re making friends and you don’t even know it.

3) Friendships are built on rapport. Google that word. It’s how people bond. The core idea of rapport is sharing similar ideas, thoughts, or actions. Like looking in a mirror almost. When you can see yourself in someone else it makes you “feel” closer to them. But when you can’t put yourself in their shoes, then you have a lack of rapport. Another term is “empathy.”

4) Practice empathy. Instead of hoping others will like you, or will want to befriend you (which is kind of a “give me something” energy) you should try having empathy for others (which is a “giving” energy.) People avoid takers and are attracted to givers. So practice giving. Giving others an ear. Let others talk about themselves. Allow others to share their burdens with you. Let them lean on you. This is how you build relationships. By giving. People WANT to talk about themselves and if you give them the space to tell you things (by being a great listener instead of a talker) you’ll find that they will automatically like you better. With time they’ll invite you to share your thoughts and feelings too, and voila… friends!

Let me know how this goes.

~ Robby

If the girl is any of those things then she probably got what she wanted when she wanted as a little girl which basically messed her up for life and left her in the position of “needing protection” as you put it. I don’t personally identify as a feminist kinda guy but to me that’s bullshit. The world’s a scary place and we all have to get used to it and I don’t need or want any hangers on dragging me down with their superficial problems.

Robby I don’t believe you’re trying to “maintain the status quo of alpha male” or whatever. I think you wrote this article to really help out guys who struggle with women but a girl who needs protection is probably the type that goes from relationship to relationship constantly on the lookout for an upgrade to who can better “protect” her i.e. who’s more masculine, which if you want to keep her you gotta keep out-masculining the next guy. She’s probably never had a quiet moment of contemplation in her entire life.

You talk about all the things women have to buy to maintain themselves and at the end of your article you talk about choice and living your life. To me this is conflicting because women have just as much choice as men. When you mention things like hair extensions, dresses, coffee with girlfriends, etc. (though self defense classes are probably a good idea because there are some messed up people out there) not all those things are necessary or even desirable in some instances, to entice a man to have a relationship/have sex with. But if a woman needs all that to feel secure about herself then she should probably be spending all that money on therapy.

And to the girl who said…

“I’m a girl who does not chase men, and it’s hard! Much harder than a guy just going up to a girl and telling her she’s beautiful, asking her out, calling her, making plans to see her… these are nice things, and I would assume as a guy, if you really like a girl, you would enjoy doing these things for her. That’s the point! That’s why girls should LET guys chase them. How else will a girl know if a guy really really likes her, or if he sees her as an easy lay? The guy who wants an easy lay obviously will not put in the effort (otherwise it would no longer be easy duh!).”

…You’re obviously a moron. Let me get this straight…you don’t chase men yet claim your position as “receiver of attention” is much harder than a guy’s position of walking up to you and doing this that and the other thing. How would you know what it’s like?

But actually you’re right it is easy for a guy to go up to a woman and do exactly what you said but does that actually work? Hell no! It’s TOO easy!

Let me paint a picture of REALITY for you:
Me: Hi
You:Hi
Me: You’re beautiful
You:Thanks?…
Me:Wanna go out sometime?
You:*feeling creeped out* Uhh…I actually have a boyfriend

Which if that’s too easy, and you say later you don’t want to be perceived as easy, you want to be perceived as harder to get, but that would mean what’s hard for you is saying “no” to a guy? Or it’s hard to sit there with a drink in your hand or to get out on the dance floor and look sexy or just STAND THERE and look sexy? Are you kidding me?

In our society (in terms of romantic relationships) the one being chased has the power. It’s supply and demand. So when you say women should let men chase them to me that’s saying let us be a dancing monkey for you and test our dedication. Maybe it’s just me but If I’m even acknowledging you beyond a glance or small talk then I probably want to be dedicated to you. It’s that simple. I’m not selling you some image of what you think a real man is or who I wish I was or am trying to be. I’m just gonna be me, take it or leave it.

Asking a girl out, calling her, plans blah blah, are all nice things that I would like to do, I would love to do, but my kindness is not leverage and all those things are just the bare minimum for getting into your pants and if that’s as far into the future as you can see…well you’re probably enjoying a lot of emotionless dick.

But when I really sit down and think about it. It’s all perception. Guys who aren’t getting it on a regular basis are wound up and feel inadequate while guys who get it regularly are sedated by pussy and a different kind of ego trip and feel fine saying things like “grow up” or “be the alpha” or some other pseudo self affirming thing like that as if the guy who’s wound up is just supposed to “get it” like turning on a light bulb. Both paths have their ups and downs so who cares if you’re getting it or not because either way you’re just getting your ego stroked. It’s inconsequential and there are more important things in life so why don’t both parties just grow the fuck up?

Hi my name is Brian and I’m full of hate.

I think your post is great because it simply gives another perspective. There is no wrong or right answer. Just a different way of thinking: a very positive spin to dating.

I went on two dates with a man recently and decided he wasn’t for me. I sensed that he wasn’t right for me right away through our interactions. But I wanted to make sure. So I went on a second date with him. After the 2nd date, I then told him I wasn’t interested. Afterwards, for the past week, he has been sending me hate mail and texts stating how I led him on and used him for dinners and called me names etc. I simply ignored him. It just concerns me how angry this man can become merely after two dates. Although I don’t think he would come and burn down my house while I am sleeping, I am also glad he doesn’t know where I live. So in a very indirect way, I am concern about my safety.

Anyhow, thank you for your post. I appreciate a different perspective.

Cindy

I don’t have a problem with men who struggle with women. We’ve all struggled! But trying to make yourself feel better by blaming women for “having it so easy” is weak. The reality is that men SHOULD struggle. I wouldn’t want my sister ending up with some meat head who didn’t put in some effort to win her affection. Just I wouldn’t want my perfect girlfriend to fall for every idiot who tried to get into her pants.

I think it’s pathetic to complain that “women have it easier” simply because it’s our job to approach her once. One chance of rejection is nothing compared to the endless chances of rape, injury, and insult that women are at risk of every day.

Women don’t have everything easier – they have ONE thing easier.

You can pound your feet and complain that you’re at some type of disadvantage, or you can take responsibility for your sexual success. Guess which path has a “happy ending”?