QUESTION:

How Do I Boost My Confidence? I’ve been finding myself too anxious and nervous with regards to how I can approach the girl I used to be friends with. I talked to a few friends of hers and they all said I should try and reinstate the friendship, even though she said to leave her alone. What should/can I do to get her back as a friend? (Keep in mind I don’t like her but no one believes me when I say it. How can I communicate that as well?)

ANSWER:

I’m going to try to indirectly answer your question by focusing on the core of your concern… inner confidence.

Anxiety comes from our focus on possible future events (depression comes from a focus on past events.) And when we feel nervous it’s because deep down we feel unprepared. Confidence comes from either preparation or a deep trust in ourselves to handle what ever situation might arrive.

Confidence is what I’ll call an EMERGENT.

Emergence is a sciencey term that explains how individual parts can be simple and yet combine into something complex. For example, cells that make up a muscle display the emergent property of working together to produce the muscle’s overall structure and movement. A water molecule has emergent properties that arise out of the properties of oxygen and hydrogen atoms. Many water molecules together form river flows and ocean waves.

Our confidence, or lack of, is the same thing.

How we FEEL emerges from a long list of our inner dialogue and our outer behaviors.

 

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About Confidence

There are a million tiny thoughts we might have, or behaviours we might express, that when taken individually don’t much matter. Like not making our bed in the morning. It doesn’t much matter right? But when you leave your bed messy it becomes one more tiny thing left undone in your life, and subconsciously we see these loose ends all around us. A messy bedroom can become an expression of our messy inner life.

And when you combine all of the things we think throughout the day, and all the behaviours that we express through our week, you’ll see your personality as an EMERGENT.

When we take that extra 3 minutes to make our beds, first thing in the morning, we’re creating a specific path and direction for the rest of our day. It’s one more thing removed from our “to do list”, and it’s something that provides a tiny comfort when we pass our room… seeing a nice tidy bed. And when we crawl into bed we get a tiny bump of comfort when it’s nice and clean and neat. These tiny things add up. And are all a part of who we are, because we are the total of our behaviors and thoughts.

Either you’re thinking things that help and guide your life in a happy positive direction, or you’re thinking things that hinder and hurt your emotional state. And what you THINK you will then FEEL. And what you FEEL dictates your decisions.

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I would recommend two approaches to rebuilding your confidence with this woman… and really ALL women.

1) Spend the time working on your inner game, your inner dialogue.

Read books, pay attention to inner talk, and challenge beliefs that make you feel sad, angry or mad. There’s self judgement going on that you’re probably not aware. Because we lose trust in ourselves when we judge ourselves, and that kills confidence.

2) Spend more time being social. Our social skills either help us relax with women, or our lack of social skills make us overly concerned with others. Basically the more you interact with others, especially with women, the sooner you’re realize that other peoples opinions really don’t matter.

With your newly developed confidence you’ll realize that you should clearly reconnect with this woman asap and on your own terms. She will either be awesome and fun, or not. And if she’s not you won’t care because you’ll just move on to the next hottie more worthy of your attention.

~ Robby

P.S. In my Online Video Course I talk about confidence, you can see a video here.

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