How many times have we given our buddies advice on how to stop acting needy?
Dude, you gotta stop acting needy! Stop calling her every day, stop asking for her approval, stop asking her, stop asking her, STOP! Dude, just start dating other girls. Date two or three at a time!
This isn t bad advice necessarily, but it doesn t actually stop us from BEING NEEDY, it only helps us to stop ACTING NEEDY. Don t get me wrong, I really do understand and appreciate the powerful effects of ACTING leading to BEING. Fake it till you make it.
I have a suggestion instead. This helped me get through a divorce and many needy summer nights until I actually STOPPED BEING NEEDY.
What is it we’re seeking when we’re being needy ?
– Physical/Emotional Pleasure
Will dating more girls help with this?
Perhaps, but only in the short term.
I consider this an external solution to an internal issue. The love and attention of the next girl might help fill up a void you’re feeling in the moment, but will it solve the reason for the void? The problem with this solution is that you’re dependent upon others (women, friends and family) for something you should be providing for yourself (approval/attention/love.)
Let’s play PRETEND for a moment
Let’s imagine words in the above list (Love, Attention, Fulfillment, etc) were all types of FOOD. When you’re not being fed FOOD you become hungry.
Now let’s imagine you ve grown up getting fed by Mom and Dad. This is because you didn t know how to feed yourself. Except let’s pretend that they only fed you when you were being good, getting good grades, and behaving. Now let’s imagine they, and all of society, never took the time to teach you how to grow your own food, or how to prepare and cook it.
Can you see how this might be in their best interest? If you do what they say then they can control your actions. In return you get to eat. You also grow to become dependent upon them, and upon the Fast Food chains of social conditioning.
Now you’re an adult.
Let’s imagine that at home your kitchen is bare and your garden is empty. This is because you ve never learned how to grow food, or how to cook it. Now imagine a beautiful woman comes knocking at your door and she’s got a pizza. You’re starving so you’re very excited to see her!
Except she sees how hungry you are so she has two choices:
– She can put conditions on the food she might share with you. Perhaps she wants you to behave a certain way before she’s willing to share. This helps her get what she wants, and helps you keep fed.
– Or she can simply leave because she’s creeped out by your appearance or your behavior (you’re skinny from being under fed and you’re desperate for food.)
This scenario is common.
Finally, imagine you took some time and simply went out and slowly accumulated all of the skills required to grow food in your own garden. Then you slowly mastered the culinary arts. Suddenly your kitchen is completely filled with food. And not just raw vegetables but gourmet meals and amazing homemade pizza!
Imagine that you ve become so good at it that you are in complete over abundance. You have more food then you could ever eat! You’re fat and healthy with food! So you invite friends and family over to help you eat it.
Now imagine the hot blond shows up at your door again with a pizza. Imagine how uninterested you might be her food. When she offers you pizza you can say Thanks, but I m full. But since you’re here, wanna come in and try some of my Lasagna?
Imagine the difference between begging for food, and offering food.
Your kitchen is your heart. Your thoughts are your garden. Your love and approval is your food.
When you give yourself permission to fall in love with yourself you’ll automatically stop acting needy with others. We chase others because we’re looking for something. But when we learn how to grow food for ourselves, we can start GIVING instead of TAKING.
There are an endless supply of self-help books that explain how to develop ourselves, as well as how to develop the healthy psychology that propagates this type of inner healing and growth. Go buy some and read them.
Listen to how you talk to yourself:
– Are you judgmental towards yourself, or loving and caring?
– Do you keep picking at old scabs of embarrassment or are you self-forgiving?
– Are you discouraging or encouraging?
– Do you allow yourself to enjoy your own company, or do you have self-distain?
Pay attention to the passions you have in your life:
– Do you have hobbies that bring you passion?
– Do you have friends who make you laugh?
– Does your work bring you fulfillment?
If you have thoughts that bring you unease, then stop thinking them. If you have a job that makes you feel unfulfilled then get a new one. If you have friends that are overly critical or judgmental then remove them. These are weeds in your garden.
The way you would ultimately want your perfect woman to treat you is EXACTLY how you should treat yourself: with surprises, with little gifts, with adventures, with passion, with trust and caring and forgiveness and tenderness and love!
Once you’re abundant with self-affection/approval/love you’ll be able to start giving it away instead of seeking it like a starving man.