Recently I answered the following question (ignore the grammar and punctuation, cause I did):
Q:Well I’m quite concerned about my own case lately…†So just did want to have your opinion. Basically I’m quite a relationship analyst, I love to answer people question about their relationship, but realize I now have myself an issue actually getting one.
The daily me is quite open minded, not too shy, very friendly, not perverted, a bit weird from time to time, Straight but sensible… I love women a lot but I realize lately that I’m finding myself always in the friend zone. Didn’t have a relationship for quite long time, and not really desperate about it.
What is that step, that makes girls put someone in a “friend-zone” or “flirt-zone”?
A: I know EXACTLY what’s happening. I’ve studied this phenomenon for years now, and I can break it down for you like this…
Most guys who end up in the “friend’s zone” simply don’t escalate. They’ve been too fearful of rejection and so haven’t tried doing anything that she might not like. But TRUST me… if she’s out with you she EXPECTS you to try stuff… she’ll even be disappointed if you don’t attempt something.
Do this: hold her hand briefly, then let it go. Hug her when she makes you laugh, then push her away. Read her palm while warmly touching the soft skin on her hands. Let her know through your touch, how good you are at touching. Then finally, after a happy moment together, kiss her softly. Then let her go like it was completely natural and nice.
Relationships flow through specific stages… Attraction, Rapport, and Intimacy.
The reason many guys end up in the “friend’s zone” is that they completely skip the most challenging stage (attraction) because they’re too focused on the Rapport Stage (connecting, sharing, being friendly.)
And if you skipped the Attraction stage you can’t ever find your way into the intimacy stage (sex, love, romance, etc.)
– You’ve gone on too many dates without having had kissed her yet. More than two dates is too many.
– You don’t tease her. You don’t make her laugh. She doesn’t hit your arm cause you said something too low brow.
– There’s no sexual innuendos, there’s no flirting, no danger of rejection.
The Attraction Stage happens in the first 5 minutes. It’s about teasing her, making her aware that you’re High-Value, not easy impressed, and that you’re still uncertain if she’s as awesome as you hope she is.
Attraction is about building tension. Rapport is about lessening the tension. Sexual Intimacy is about pumping the tension up and down… over and over again… ūüėČ
You stop building rapport (Google Rapport) and you start building tension and attraction again.
Cut off all communication suddenly, for a week, or for what ever length of time that she’ll really FEEL the space you’ve created. This helps her “wonder what’s up.”
Then surprise her with a night out with you… dinner, drinks, dancing, then a late movie at your place. Learn the stages of seduction (go online again and LEARN!) and seduce her. It only takes one night if you’re already friends, to build huge attraction.
“Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love, and her beautifully penned books — includingAnatomy of Love and Why We Love — lay bare the mysteries of our most treasured emotion.” (I stole this from here )
It’s a monster that’s been hurting men since the time of Jesus.
It creates drunk idiots. It creates douchebags. It creates fake personalities. It creates sad women everywhere.
In one moment you feel compelled to talk to that cute little blonde who’s sitting alone, and the next second you’re wondering how it all went so horribly wrong.
Do you suffer from the 7 symptoms of Rejection Protection Syndrome?
What is RPS? It’s about your fear of rejection and the crazy things your ego does to protect it’s self.
Every man has suffered from Rejection Protection Syndrome (RPS) at one time or another, and more then likely you’ve had more then one symptom of it. Your fears and insecurities, driven by your ego, may sometimes compels you to resort to multiple “attraction tactics” in an attempt to avoid the imagined pain of rejection, with devastating consequences (such as a lack of dating opportunities or mate choice.)
The root of this disease (unease) is your fear of rejection, or more accurately your fear of what that possible rejection might mean (about you.) Your ego, in an attempt at self preservation and possibly the enjoyment of emotional drama, will fill your head with the voice of reason which is meant to guide you from pain and suffering, but instead can completely sabotage your success:
– If she doesn t like me that means I m a loser.
– If she doesn t like me that means I m ugly.
– If she doesn t like me that means no girl like me.
– If she doesn t like me that means others will laugh at me.
– If she doesn t like me that means my friends will tease me.
– If she doesn t like me that means it ll be awkward every time I see her at work.
I suspect deep down you realize that none of these “logical” conclusions are accurate, or even remotely helpful, except in that they help you avoid meeting new women.
When you suffer from RPS you might not even realize it… especially since it stays well hidden until you’re in the heat of battle (interacting with an attractive woman.) This is when most of our insecurities arise, when we re most vulnerable. RPS is your ego s way of protecting you.
The ugly realization is that as you work to protect your ego, inflating it by bragging, stroking it with endless encouragements, and attempting to puff up your importance as a means to positive emotional growth, you’re actually training yourself to become externally dependant upon the approval of others and the outcomes of external events. Instead of leaving you erect with excitement, strengthened and purposeful, you’re left feeling nervous, dependant on the next good outcome, and helplessly flaccid.
The Ego makes pussies of us all.
To overcome such a disturbing future of listlessness and dependency, I propose a more useful approach: independence of social validation and approval through self development and acceptance. You can overcome your dependence upon the demands of your ego and the demands of social expectations by educating yourself on the symptoms of RPS, by learning what drives you to fear social rejection, and understanding your genetic predisposition for social acceptance. With some basic awareness you can begin to develop more useful behaviors, positive and effective attitudes towards dating and women, and redevelop your internal foundations of self and acceptance.
SYMPTOM 1: ANALYSIS PARALYSIS
Example of Analysis Paralysis:
Dude thinking to himself: Oh God, look at that woman s legs. Amazing! Okay, I ll go talk with her. Shit what should I say? Hmm.. Well I know girls like opinion openers; maybe I should ask her the one about the white belt and the shoes? No, she s looking really upset about something. Well maybe she s just tired from a long day. Oh man, wait. She s got a funny purse. Yes, I should ask her about her purse. Wait no that s lame. What did David DeAngelo say I m supposed to do? Shit, I can t remember. Let s see maybe she s the type who s really into tall guys let s see if she looks over here
This scenario ends with the girl walking away before the dude get s out of his head long enough to engage her. Or perhaps he spends his nights reading Pickup books instead of out in social situations training his skills, building his strengths, and learning from his mistakes.
Often highly intelligent men lake strong social skills because their early life s focus was on their education and schooling, instead of sneaking out late socializing in groups. This leaves them to feel awkward in social situations that everyone else seems comfortable in. I know many guys like this, who are simply too smart for their own good, and who simply believe they can think their way into her pants. Except that “thinking” is slow and often ruins the spontaneity of a sincere interaction with a woman. Sometimes thinking can’t compete with the speed of intuition and experience.
“The ill effects of thought come about when we forget that thought is a function of our consciousness.. an ability that we as human beings have. We are the producers of our own thinking.”
~ Richard Carlson
If your brain is preventing you from meeting women then do this: study and prepare while at home and be willing to trust yourself once you leave the house. Don t let your fear keep you in your head when you should be walking over to meet new people. If you simply can’t rely upon your brain to loosen up when you’re in the storm of an interaction, then take the time BEFORE HAND to memorize some very basic banter lines which you can use when you’ve been abandoned by your brain.
Another approach is complete honesty and sincerity. You’d be amazed at how well a woman will react to a guy who’s really nervous, but who’s also really sincere, sweet, and funny.
SYMPTOM 2: PREEMPTIVE REJECTION
Example of Preemptive Rejection:
Dude: Holy God that woman is beautiful! Look at her skin, her face, her perfection. Wow. Oh man, I bet she is married. Wow, I m nervous just thinking about walking over there to talk to her Oh wait. Look at how she s flirting with that cashier. Oh man, I could never date a girl that looks that beautiful because then I d have to deal with every other guy trying to get in her pants. Why would I want that kind of frustration in my life? No, she s not really my type.
Instead of taking the chance of meeting an amazing new person, we ll sometimes find faults with a girl before we give her a chance so that we never have to take the risk of her rejecting us. This is where some of society s worst prejudices come to mind: She s a slut, she s easy, she s a prude, she s too uptight, she dresses like a hooker, she’s a bitch. It’s easier to judge her in advance of her judging us.
No woman is the mask she wears when she s in public.
No woman is the mask you place on her before you get to know her.
Learning to control your fear of rejection will greatly reduce this self-sabotaging attitude of pre-judgement. Pay attention next time you find yourself judging a woman you haven’t yet met.
SYMPTOM 3: EXPECTED REJECTION PROJECTION
Example of Expected Rejection Protection:
Dude 1: Um.. hi! Hahaha um, so what brings you girls out this evening? Hahaha Um.
Chick 1: Oh, ya, we re out just having some drinks, talking girl stuff actually.
Dude: Well I just wanted to, um, come over and tell you how beautiful you are. I guess you likely have boyfriends eh? Hahaha
Chick 2: Um, thanks. Um, well ya, we re both taken. But thanks for the compliment.
Dude: Hahaha, ya.. well I figured you would. Um, well in any case it was really nice to meet you gals! Have a good night!
This symptom is the most widely suffered amongst men. It manifests it s self so completely that we re almost completely blind to it. This symptom might not even stop you from meeting and approaching women, which is why it goes unnoticed, but it will ruin your chances of putting your best foot forward.
Here’s the problem – assuming lower value than her and therefore assuming her disinterest. It’s that simple, but it’s devastating to her attraction levels. As soon as a girl senses your lack of confidenece she’ll automatically start feeling less attraction towards you – she’ll see it in your eyes, she’ll hear it in your voice, and she’ll feel it in your energy.
If you walk into a situation where you’re meeting a woman, and you’re expecting her to reject you, then you’ll actually start acting nervous, detached, and creepy. This will almost always sub-communicate to her that you’re unstable in some way. This is not a good way to make a first impression.
Ever notice how different women respond to you when you already have a girlfriend? This is because your mind and body is relaxed while you are seeking rapport and comfort, instead of dreading rejection and embarrassment. Pay attention and trust in yourself because you’re actually a pretty decent guy.
SYMPTOM 4: SELF SABOTAGE
Example of Self Sabotage:
Drunk Dude: Ha ha ha, oh man, you have huge boobs! Hey, I hope you brought enough for the rest of the class burp
This symptom is very much like expected rejection projection, except instead of assuming her rejection you actively seek it. This tricks you into feeling like you’re in control of her rejection.
If you watch Big Brother this season you’ll notice Chima displayed this exact behavior the second she became nominated for eviction. Through out the entire game, for weeks, she was seen as a “powerful female” in the house by many of the other contestants, yet the second she was in danger of being voted out (read: socially rejected) she became completely infantile by refusing to take orders from the producers. This forced the producers to simply eject her from the show. It looked pathetic and sad.
By acting like fools we might feel we’re taking control of a woman’s rejection but this isn’t true. But the reality is that acting childish, or self riotousness, damages our own feelings of integrity. It can be a sad display of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.
This does more than push women out of our lives before we even get to know them – it encourages and reinforces immature behaviors within our own minds.
SYMPTOM 5: ACTOR 3000 (FAKE PERSONALITY)
Example of Actor 3000:
Dude: Well hello there well aren t you beautiful wow sooooo what s your name sexy?
Chick: Oh my God.
Dude: Is your dad a thief? Because it looks like he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Often, when we feel nervous about the possible rejection from a beautiful girl, we ll start acting slightly differently than we usually do. This causes us to look and feel incongruent. This might make you sound like the cheesy pickup-line guy, or possibly the arrogant business man who s always bragging about his work.
We guys will sometimes become this fake actor character for two reasons:
1) We unconsciously feel that we re not good enough to attract the woman we re interested in, so we try to act like the kind of guy she WOULD be attracted to.
2) We lessen the pain of rejection by explaining away her reaction to us: Oh she didn t reject me; she rejected the character I was playing.
Both of these approaches do very little to push a woman s natural attraction buttons and it does everything to protect your ego. Again the ego can disrupt a connection with a woman.
Don’t be a douchebag…
SYMPTOM 6: PREMATURE EJECTION
Example of Premature Ejection
Dude: Haha, you girls are funny. So how do you know eachother?
Chick: Oh I we know eachother from work. So what are you up to tonight? Just out having drinks with the buds?
Dude: Ha ha, pretty much. Um, so what do you do for a living?
Chick: We both work as nurse s at the Royal Alex Hospital.
Dude: Oh that s sweet. I love nurses. Oh man, I ve got this rash I need you to look at Ha, just kidding. I bet you hear that all the time eh?
Chick: Hahahaha, ya, why do people feel they need to show us their ailments all the time? It s gross.
Dude: Um. Well it was really nice to meet you girls! Have a good night.
This symptom makes me so angry.
This is when a you eject from a situation without any other reason except that you’re too nervous to escalate. In the above conversation the dude became too overwhelmed with some slight conversational silence, so instead of asking for the girl’s number he simply ejected early.
We guys tend to understand, at least on an emotional level, that there are certain stages of an interaction that flow from meeting a woman, to holding her hand, to kissing her, to sex. Our fear is that if we screw up an interaction with a woman in a later stage (like going in for a kiss on the third date) we’ll be sent back to stage one with her.
But this isn’t true at all.
If you’ve made plenty of ground with a woman, and you go in for a kiss but she rejects it, you don’t start all over.
As you date more and more women you ll come to understand that it s the woman s job to slow our escalation, and it s our job to accelerate it. When she stops us from a certain stage of the relationship, kissing for the first time for example, this doesn t mean we re all the way back to step 1. It simply means she wants the relationship to stay where it is for the moment. Her “no” will often mean “not yet.”
It s better to attempt to escalate the relationship and have her stop you, then to eject out without even trying. Trust me, you won’t regret the kiss she rejected, you’ll regret the kiss you never tried to get.
SYMPTOM 7: EMOTIONAL WALLS AND BARRIERS
Example of Emotional Walls and Barriers
Mandy: Dave, we ve been dating for a few months now but I still have no idea what you do, and how you feel about me, about life, about anything? Why won t you talk with me?
Dave: Oh, I don t really feel comfortable talking about feelings and such.
Mandy: Well how can we move this relationship forward if you re all closed off to me?
Dave: We don t need to talk about feelings to have sex! We just have to take our clothes off!
Mandy: You re weird.
Women need far more emotional comfort and rapport then men when it comes to sexual intimacy. When a woman opens herself up to a man sexually she s putting herself into a very real vulnerably position, physically and emotionally. If, as a man, you re unable to show your own vulnerabilities with her, then she ll always have reasons to mistrust you.
Being a man takes more then simply being physically brave and courageous; it takes personal patience, introspective thought, personal development, and a willingness to be vulnerable with your woman. If you have walls and barriers that keep you emotionally unattached to the women you date then you will inevitably always diminish any connection you ll make with them.
Don’t be Dr. House.
Remember – attraction is about feelings, tension and energy. Take time to develop your own awareness of the demands of your ego, and the danger it posses to your dating life. Simply being aware of possible bad behaviors can be enough to change them.
Always assume the best, of yourself and her, and you’ll find that over time you’ll get it more times then not.
Being horrified with your results can bring you success.
I was mortified with myself.
How could I have done it?
How could I have thought she d like that?
I hadn t been drinking, so that wasn t an ego-saving excuse.
I hadn t been tricked by my abusive older brothers in an attempt to embarrass me I don t even have brothers so they re not my scapegoat.
My cell phone wasn t being driven by any zombie-virus that would explain away the ridiculous text messages I had sent her after our first date.
So what compelled me to write something so creepy?
I can t recall the details of our text-message conversation, but I do recall that her messages were brief and generic while mine were long and specific. The last thing I wrote was something like, My cousin can make us dinner at his restaurant, and you ll completely fall in love with me.
Perhaps I thought I was being funny, or perhaps I thought I was being romantic. In either case I never heard from her again.
Even though this incident occurred over 6 years ago I can still feel the bite of embarrassment deep in my belly.
Sometimes thinking about past mistakes just makes me angry.
Sometimes it makes me want to hate those who inspired such wrong thinking.
I d like to blame Woody Allen for making feminized male protagonists who get the girl using overly dramatic drawn-out monologues.
I d like to blame Hollywood for spreading misandry (would The Proposal be as popular if it was a male boss forcing his attractive female secretary to marry him?)
I d like to blame the ultra-famous for making me believe they have standards we mere mortals will never measure up to.
“I just think he’s a lame superhero. He’s not interesting. He’s not dark. He’s just kind of a douchebag.”
~ Megan Fox regarding Superman.
I d like to hate the way Hollywood allowed a fearless ex-CIA agent that kills criminals with his bare hands to become defenseless and emasculated when dealing with the demands of his ex-wife (Taken staring Liam Neeson).
I hate the stories of rejection I ve heard from my many male friends which play over and over again in my head before I find the courage to go over and introduce myself to the cute brunette at the local coffee shop.
I hate the girls-just-want-a-nice-guy-advice Mom ingrained into my head at a young age.
I hate that the local bookstores always under represent Men s Issues (5 books) amongst shelves of Gay and Lesbian Issues (1 full shelf), and Women s Issues (2 full shelves.)
I hate how I ve allowed the opinions of others (family, ex-girlfriends, beta-male friends, priests, teachers, Hollywood) to become my unquestioned beliefs.
I hate all of the mistakes I ve had with women due to my misguided mindsets.
Sitting at home, comfortable in a deeply satisfying relationship with myself, I sometimes ponder what might have been if I could go back in time to fix myself” before such embarrassments were created.
But I always conclude that it was those tragic missteps that have became my stepping-stones of experience, pride, and confidence.
Perhaps if I hadn t persevered I d still be hateful and jaded.
Perhaps if I hadn t taken a moment to question my own disempowering beliefs I d still be sitting at home alone, pondering what I did wrong.
Perhaps if I hadn t grown up a little and discovered I m responsible for my own thoughts and feelings I d still feel weak and insecure.
Perhaps if I hadn’t matured with time and experience I d still be chasing and blaming. Perhaps I d still be hating and dating.
im ma ture
not completely grown or developed
lacking the emotional maturity, sense of responsibility
I ve learned that if I m busy hating then I have no room for loving.
I ve learned that if I m busy blaming then I have no time for learning.
Growing up is about taking responsibility for your own actions.
Growing up is about learning and forgiving yourself of past mistakes.
I ve learned that women of maturity, power, beauty, and self-confidence are women who instantly respond to men of equal or greater development.
This means that if you re immature in some aspect of your personal development (emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.) then women who ARE mature will instinctually want to avoid you.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, and your sex life, is to add the pursuit of personal development to your Life Purpose.
Read your average online-dating website and you ll see what types of men women prefer: men who are self-motivated, who are driven to grow, experience, and explore. The regular couch-potato has photos taken in his bedroom with his laptop camera, while the man women most pursue will post photos of himself water skiing, tanning in Hawaii, trekking through Europe, or out with friends in social situations.
I can’t blame her for liking him more than me if I’m usually at home avoiding people. Neither should you.
I learned the following from my study of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming.)
In order to be successful with women and dating you need only to remember three things:
1) Know what you want.
2) Be aware of your results.
3) Be flexible enough to change.
Know what you want. It s pretty tough to get somewhere when you don’t know where you’re going.
How often do you hear yourself listing things you DON T want?
– I hate it when girls don t call me back, it s so rude.
– I hate it when girls won t return my eye contact.
– I hate it when girls expect me to pay for dinner and movie.
– I hate not being able to afford the things in life I really want.
You get what you pay attention to.
If your attention is on the things you DON T want then you re only going to get more of them.
Instead take the time to learn what you actually DO want, then focus on that.
– I love girls who are short and cute.
– I love girls who giggle at my jokes.
– I love being paid well when I put in a hard day s work.
– I love how my house looks when I take great care of it.
– I love it when a girl acts nervous just before I kiss her for the first time.
Make a list of all the things you want in a girlfriend, and be specific. Simply writing this list down will take you FAR down the road of success.
In 1979 there was a study conducted on students graduating from Harvard MBA program where they were asked, Have you set clear, written goals for your future and made plans to accomplish them?
3% had written goals and plans while 13 percent had just goals leaving 84 percent with no specific goals. Ten years later it was discovered that the 13 percent of the class who had goals were earning twice as much as the 84 percent who had no goals at all. The 3% who had goals and plans were earning ten times as much as the other 97 percent put together!
If you need help with writing goals then you might enjoy Brian Tracy s book Goals!
Be aware of your results. How often do you spend your day completely unaware the results you re getting from your daily habits? We can t make positive changes in our dating lives if we re completely unaware of results of our bad behaviors.
This is a painful process because we like to fool ourselves into thinking the way we are living is perfectly okay. Do you complain about being too fat while ordering pizza Friday nights? Do you complain about women being bitches while you angrily judge them from behind your beer glass across the bar? Do you wonder why your teeth keep yellowing while you continue to smoke?
If you don t become aware of your results then you ll never be able open to more choices.
So pay attention, even if it hurts. Don t waste time judging your choices, because that will hamper your willingness to explore your success and failures.
Pay attention to your choices and the results they being.
Be flexible enough to change. Once you grow an awareness of your negative results (women aren t calling back, aren t laughing at your jokes, or your coworkers avoid you) then you ll finally be able to do something about it.
If you always do what you ve always done, you ll always get what you ve always got.
If what you re doing isn t working then do something else.
With personal development comes growth and with growth comes choice.
I’ve got someone that i’m trying to get at. Problem is…is that i’ve been out of the game for quite a while. I’m trying to think of ways to incorporate into my inner psychee of how to ignore this one female in particular to draw her to me. Over the last couple days, i’ve been distant toward her and she knows why. Some how i’ve allowed her to get into the mindset that I really want her.
I NEED TO FLIP THE SCRIPT…ASAP…without chasing her away. She already knows that friends shit is out.
By the way, when is your book coming out. I really want to check it out.
Hey Kev, thanks for the email.
Here are my thoughts on your sitchÖ
You need to get out of your own head. The easiest way to stop thinking about this one girl (which is likely making you behave strangely) is to meet another other women. Get out of your house, and out of your head, and go meet some new women.
The New Girl will automatically take your mind off the one youíre chasing away. This will ultimately make you more relaxed when around her, instead of wound up.
Also, donít play hard-to-get. Itís best to simply fill your schedule so that you’re too busy to worry about calling her. Your job is to be unfazed by the confusion of your relationship while maintaining your fun demeanor.
And finally, when you ARE around her itís your job to ALWAYS be escalating. Always be pushing the physical boundaries, just like you would with any girl you first start dating.
If you want her as a girlfriend then you must push her attraction buttons (by being an attractive dude whoís got his choice in women, yet whoís fun to hang with and fun to banter with) and you must always be escalating your physical interactions.
Remember – you canít ďlogicallyĒ make this girl like you, so forfeit that idea right now. Youíll never ďtalkĒ her into it, so stop all of the deep conversations, or any talk of dating, relationships, etc.
Your job is to stop talking, and start doing.
If she sayís, ďhey, letís just be friendsĒ then you say, ďabsolutely, I totally agree.Ē
Then give her a friendship hug. Then pinch her ass.
If she freaks out just smile and wink, then start talking about something completely unrelated.
If she asks where you guys are ďatĒ say, ďI donít like labeling these things. Letís just leave things as they are,Ē then change the subject. Then later that night hold her hand. Then cuddle. Then kiss.
Just keep escalating until the situation burns itís self out, or you end up married.
Ignore your desire to call this girl all the time.
Ignore your desire to tell her all about your inner desires and secrets.
Ignore your desire to pamper her and to put her up on a pedestal.
Ignore your desire to ďkeep things safeĒ by being her nice friend.
Score dating situations with her by calling her up randomly and saying “Hey, I’m heading to this new breakfast place, I’m picking you up! Be sure to wear something comfy like pajama’s.”
Score her attraction by being too busy with other women, other passions, hobbies, and activities.
Score her interest by sometimes being vague, mysterious, and confusing.
Score her attention by being genuine, sweet, while sometimes teasing her but always being fun!
Score her touch by touching her first, often, and with sexual intent.
Once youíre dating, and once youíre sure sheís worth keeping around, THEN you can start developing the deeper conversations, and the other friend-like conversations. Until then you must keep your distance, keep your cool, and remain the fun, smart, interesting guy that you are.
Let me know how it goes!
MORE THOUGHTS ON THINKING
I can appreciate this guyís predicament.
Wanting a girl deep in your gut while trying to maintain your cool can be quite the balancing act. How do regular dudes, like you and I, keep a high quality girl interested in us, while not scaring her away with our over zealous interest?
Stop being your own cock-block.
Attracting women is not about tricks, techniques, and pickup lines as much as Hollywood would like you to believe. As youíve likely learned by now – Attraction Isnít A Choice (Thanks to David DeAngelo for that!) This simply means that you canít convince a girl to become attracted to youÖ either she IS or ISNíT.
Thereís no LOGIC or Magic Trick to convince her either way.
Itís just like hunger; you canít talk your stomach out of feeling hungry. It just is, or it isnít. Sheís either into you, or sheís not.
BUT, this doesnít mean you canít influence her emotional state. This is called seduction. This is called Pick-up. This is called Attraction.
Amazingly her attraction starts in your mind – LONG before she ever meets you.
Iím talking about Inner Game.
This term comes from Timothy Gallwey, a famous Tennis player. Tim explains that our minds will often interfere with our bodyís natural ability to do itís thing. Tim teaches players to focus their attention on the ball because it helps calm the mind while allowing the body to relax. He explains that our inner game dictates the ease and success of our outer game.
This applies to women and dating the exact same way. If youíre a dude who spends his time in his own head worrying about the opinions of the women you interact with, then your inner game is damaging your outer game.
Whatís the number one thing women say they want in a guy?
Because a guy whoís inner dialogue is constructive, trusting, positive, and empowering will automatically have a natural and powerful outer game (his outer expression of his self assurance.)
This means that your first focus should not be on what youíre doing, but on what youíre thinking.
Being aware of your own thoughts, without judgment or attachment, is called mindfulness. It simply means that youíre mindful of your own thoughts and feelings, while NEVER judging them.
Not only will a daily practice of mindfulness bring about a deep inner peace, but it can also bring about great awareness of your own inner thoughts.
We spend our days thinking and thinking and thinking, with rarely a moment to reflect upon the thoughts we have. Being mindful simply means allowing a new awareness of the types of things that go through your head. This can open you up to seeing a HUGE array helpful and hurtful thought patterns you might not even be aware of.
I discovered years ago that I spent a lot of my inner dialogue talking down about myself. Either I was completely critical of my self (my appearance, my lack of skills, my lack of knowledge, etc) or I was ashamed of my ďendlessĒ disappointments. Until I started to practice mindfulness, I had no awareness that I was talking so harshly to myself.
Hereís a challenge Ė take your three worst self-criticisms and write them down. Then ask yourself, ďWould I say this to my beautiful 7 year old niece?Ē If you would, then youíre likely not that hard on yourself (or you donít like your niece very much.) In most cases I found that the things I was saying to myself was way too harsh.
So I stopped. You should to.
What youíre thinking manifests into what youíre doing.
Itís as simple as that. If your inner dialogue is harsh and critical, then your behaviors will reflect that.
Women are EMPATHIC. Learn this now. They might not KNOW what youíre thinking, but they can FEEL you very quickly. If youíre a nervous guy, but youíre kind, generous, sincere and harmless, theyíll ignore the anxiety you might be feeling when youíre trying to get her number.
BUT if youíre nervous because youíre trying to use memorized pickup lines, or youíre attempting to behave in a specific way thatís not natural for you, then sheíll FEEL that thereís something creepy about you. This is what happens when a guy is trying to act cool when heís really freaking out inside.
Iíve taken a long time to say this but hereís my point Ė develop an awareness of what youíre thinking so that you can slowly change your damaging inner thoughts into powerful, comforting, inner mindsets built of confidence.
What should you be thinking about? Anything that strengthens you.
Anything that challenges you to become a better man. Anything that makes you feel good about who you are, and who youíre becoming. Ultimately we men are genetically built for finding our purpose, and perusing it. This kind of guy doesnít waste time chasing women. If he likes a girl he might take some time to get to know her, but heíll never step off the path to his purpose if sheís running away. This is why most women love finding a man they canít sway from his own lifeís ambitions.
Just look around you Ė men who are ďon purposeĒ often have the best girlfriends. Athletes, professionals, or any man who works with deep pride and passion.
Learn to quiet your confusing, or negative, inner dialogue and youíll be amazed how quickly women pick up on your new, more attractive, personality.
Ok, so I came across your blog and just love it! I am a¬†woman and totally agree with your interpretation of us. We¬†do ‚Äúfeel‚ÄĚ our relationships much more than logically¬†analyze them. (Although I love logic too, I just use it in¬†other areas of my life.)
Dating online has many of it’s own intricacies outside of the normal dating dynamics that we experience in the “real world” so in order to keep this blog posting small I’m simply going to stick to the foundations: your photos, your profile description, and your mindsets.
– Post Three RECENT Photos
– The first one must be your most attractive photo. Either get one made, or have a friend catch you in your best light. You must be smiling. This one image is the most important in your entire profile.
– Your second photo should be you with friends, camping, or at dinner, or fishing, or something where you re being active and social. This is great for social proof and it shows you have passions (fishing? Racing? Flying?) and that you have friends.
– Your last photo should be unique enough that it gives any woman who finds you attractive a reason for an opener. If she can t figure out what you re doing in the photo then she might say What s with the blindfold? This is like Peacocking and gives a woman an easy opener. Plus it helps make you slightly mysterious and interesting. (I have a photo where I m blindfolded in the middle of field because of an Amazing Race game I was in.)
– For some reason women love horses so if you can get a photo of one add it. Even if it s not your horse. Horses pretty much rule for women. I hate them personally. When she asks about it just say I d rather not talk about it
– DON T post a photo of yourself shirtless unless you re on the beach with friends and playing volleyball. She ll immediately be turned off even if you re totally ripped. This just looks desperate.
– DON T post 10 photos of yourself from your webcam. This shows you don t get out much.
– DON T take a photo of yourself in the mirror. I hate that. It shows you don t have even 1 friend.
– DON T post any photos older then a year, unless you haven t changed at all. And trust me, YOU HAVE changed.
– DON T AVOID posting photos. If you have no photos you ll have no chance.
– DON T post drunk photos at the bar. This doesn t communicate anything good.
– DON T post photos where you ve used some terrible paint program to erase the girls photo who s in your arms. Get another photo and post it instead you lazy bastard. Women do this too and it drives me crazy.
– DON T post photos that help you brag about your financial success. Bragging is the worst thing ever.
– Keep it brief. Two very brief paragraphs are enough. If she looks at your photos and thinks you re cute she might read the profile. But she won t read a book. Besides you ll never convince her to feel attraction for you with your words. You ll convince her by helping her feel how interesting you are, and how fun you seem. If she feels you have personal power, self esteem, and choice with women, you ll get way more responses.
– Outline who you are, and what you enjoy doing. Try to paint a picture of yourself that s both interesting and fun.
– Say something about your passions. If you love your job then say so. If you love a hobby then say so. Anything that makes you sound well rounded while listing your preferences will help her she ll develop a better idea of who you are and what your personality is.
– Outline exactly the type of girl you re looking to meet, as well as the types of girls you DON T want. Amazingly the more specific you are the more responses you ll get. In my own profile I explain that I prefer the shorter women because they re easier to hug. And inevitably I always get women saying I loved your profile, although I m sorry to say that I m likely a little too tall for your preferences Don t worry about filtering too many women out, that s the point. This is powerful.
– Try to add some personality into it. Add humor.
– Smile when you re writing your profile. This helps for some reason.
– DON T sound like an accountant who s simply trying to find a baby maker.
– DON T have spelling mistakes and poor grammar.
– DON T talk about being nervous for dating online. Don t make excuses for your actions.
– DON T apologize for anything. Eg I m sorry my photo is so blurry because.. bla bla
– DON T ramble on and on about stuff. Try to keep it short and precise.
– DON T bother bragging about money, income, friends, or feats. It has no impact until they get to know you. Then they will totally surprise and impressed you ve never mentioned it.
– DON T bother sounding bitter, depressed, desperate, or otherwise like a loser. Winners aren t whiners.
Your profile will be doing MOST of your pickup so this is where almost all of your efforts should be going before you start worrying about what to say in your openers.
Here s an example profile I just wrote for my 21 year old Nephew. He s 21, 6 foot 1, athletic, self-employed, and ruggedly good looking. This is on PlentyOfFish.com
Me: I’ve got a great sense of humor. I’m a very well liked respectable kind of guy. I like camping and fishing and I like to travel and snowboard. I’m enjoying the new career path I’ve just begun, and living in Alberta kinda rocks right now! I love meeting new people but I’m not looking to become someone’s serious boy toy … so let’s just hangout and see what’s wut. You: You’re likely around my age, but if you’ve got a magnificent set of frontal lobes, we can negotiate. You’re funny, smart, fit and fun. Your relationships with your family and friends come first, and your pet cat loves me… even though she hates everyone!… and for some reason you find that charming about me. P.S. If you’re too shy to say hello, then ask one of your friends to pass me a note that says “My friend likes you… do you like her too? Circle Yes or No”
Old Mindset: I m hoping to find a girl who likes me, and I hope she s cute. New Mindset: I m seeking an attractive woman who fits within my desires and brings something special to the table.
Old Mindset: I should contact as many women as possible because I only expect a few to like me. This way I ll have the greatest number of possible responses. New Mindset: I only want to contact the women that fit my criteria because I don t wish to waste time chatting with women who will not suit me long-term. My focus is quality over quantity.
Old Mindset: I hope I don t say something stupid because if I embarrass myself online it might get back to my friends, or it might be awkward if I run into this woman on the street. New Mindset: All of my online interactions are anonymous and safe and this makes for an amazing sandbox to test out my own pickup theories, story lines, or banter. Besides most women really do like having fun.
Old Mindset: I need to respond to every woman who writes me because I don t want to feel bad by ignoring her. New Mindset: I will only respond to those women I truly find attractive because I d rather not lead on anyone I m not really interested in.
Old Mindset: Women are very choosy and I need to make sure my profile fits as many women s preferences as possible! This will give me better odds at attracting a woman. New Mindset: I m very choosy and the more specific I make my profile the better and more qualified the woman will be who chat with me.
Old Mindset: If I let a woman know how special and unique I think she is, the more she ll feel comfortable, and the more she s going to like me in return. Women LOVE compliments.
If I start a conversation with a woman by complimenting her on her appearance I ve just shown her that I m like every other guy, and she s going to have a gut feeling that I m somehow trying to manipulate her into liking me back by using something as silly as a compliment. My compliments will be scarce, specific, and very genuine and sincere.
Old Mindset: It s very important for a woman to like me to be attracted to me. New Mindset: Attraction IS tension, so I ll have more of a chance at creating attraction if I m unique and fun, even if it makes her not like me at first.
Old Mindset: Women who don t post photos are all ugly as sin. New Mindset: Many beautiful women don t post photos because it brings them too much attention.
Old Mindset: If I manage to get a girl to talk to me the more likely she ll start to feel attraction. New Mindset: A woman will feel attraction immediately or not. I will make our first interactions have the most impact as possible because the longer we chat, and we DON T meet in person, the more likely she s not going to ever meet me.
Old Mindset: If a woman s acting bitchy she s a bitch. New Mindset: If a woman s acting bitchy then she s likely just testing me. It s often just her way of protecting her soft underbelly, and I don t blame her. These tests are kind of fun.
Old Mindset: The longer I chat with a woman the more likely she ll feel connected to me. This connection is her attraction for me. New Mindset: The longer I chat with a woman online without meeting her the less attraction she ll feel for me. The longer it takes for us to meet in person the harder it s going to be to EVER meet her.
Old Mindset: If a girl doesn t want to meet in person then she s just not interested. New Mindset: If she s still chatting with me, and I m enjoying it, but she s hesitating to meet up then she likely needs to feel more trust and rapport with me.
Old Mindset: It s really hard to make an emotional connection while chatting online. New Mindset: It s just as easy to bond online as in person.
Old Mindset: I have to tell her amazing stories to make her like me. New Mindset: She has to tell me amazing stories for me not to get bored. To keep things interesting I can sometimes share some of my crazy stories.
Old Mindset: If I ask for her number too soon, and she s not ready to give it, then I might blow it. New Mindset: I don t need a girls number UNLESS we ALREADY have a date lined up.
Old Mindset: If she s attracted to me it s only because my profile is well written and my photos are totally Choice. What happens when she meets me in real life and I m totally not what she expected? New Mindset: If a girl finds me attractive on paper (online profile) then she s going to be blown away by me in person. I just hope she s as cute and fun as she seems
Old Mindset: If I really like this girl I need to make sure our first date is totally romantic and perfect. I need to really make an impression. New Mindset: If I really like this girl I m excited about meeting her for coffee! That should be plenty of time to determine if she s awesome or crazy.
Old Mindset: I have to make sure not to say anything that might upset her, otherwise she ll stop talking to me. New Mindset: I need to be myself as possible because it ll help her relax and act more natural, it ll help us create a better more authentic connection, and if she doesn t like me as I am then I m saving myself time out on an uninteresting date.
Old Mindset: I hope she s not chatting with other guys. I hope they re not more attractive then me! New Mindset: I hope she s chatting with other guys so she doesn t get too into me too soon.
Old Mindset: I should make sure to not tell her any stories that would embarrass me. New Mindset: If she s a really awesome girl I ll share some of my more embarrassing stories because she ll get a kick out of them.
Old Mindset: I should agree with her as much as possible to make her like me. New Mindset: Sometimes it s fun to disagree, as long as we share other points of view.
Old Mindset: When I have her number I feel more comfortable texting her phone because she can answer it when ever she has the chance. New Mindset: If I have a girl s number she ll feel more compelled to chat with me if I call. If I JUST text her then she ll not feel as connected with me.