Everybody Wants to Get Naked

(Today’s Guest Guru Post is by David Wygant, a legendary Dating Coach with his own fantastic website www.DavidWygant.com. Go check it out!)

Everybody Wants to Get Naked

Did I get your attention? Because it’s the truth.

Everybody wants to get naked. We all want that skin-to-skin contact.

When a child is first brought into this world, a nurse or a mid-wife will take the child and put the child on its mother’s breast or its mother’s chest. And the child will have its first skin-to-skin contact.

The Art Of The No-Fail Opener!

(Today’s Guest Guru Post is by David Wygant, a legendary Dating Coach with his own fantastic website www.DavidWygant.com. Go check it out!)

Making Conversation

Today I want to share with you a simple exercise to help you easily come up with conversation openers. I’d say probably 7 times out of 10, when guys first get in contact with me for dating advice, it’s because they need help talking to women. Either they’re nervous around women or they have no idea how to start conversation with a woman.

Question: Guys, how do you feel about the way women view your gender?

Today’s question is one I answered on GuysAskGirls.com and you can see all the other amazing comments here.

QUESTION:

Guys: how do you feel about the way women view your gender?
It’s no secret that females tend to view the male gender less favorably than vice versa. While plenty of women don’t feel this way, it’s still not enough to change the way the more negative view has impacted society’s thinking. Some people feel that females are justified in harboring hostility or dislike towards males/maleness. But what do you think?

Question: Why Do Girls Sometimes Play With Themselves During Anal Sex?

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Here is a recent question I helped answer on GirlsAskGuys.com, tell me what you think of my answer below in the comments:

 

DirtyDawg:

Why do girls feel the need to play with them selves during anal sex?

I don’t know if I speak for all guys or not but this bugs me because I look at it as a big sign of disrespect. When I’m fucking a girl and she reaches down to play with herself that’s like saying you don’t know how fuck and I can do a better job by myself. If it’s a pleasure thing I think I would prefer her to ask me to do it then to have her do it her self.

 Women getting anal

Robby:

It’s your insecurities that are making you think that it’s your job to take care of every single sexual need your girlfriend has, and it’s kinda ridiculous to take it personally when a girl touches herself. Any extra pleasure that she can derive during sex, whether from herself, or her fingers, or your fingers, or a gag in her mouth… what ever… is a good thing. 😀

Worrying about whether you’re being disrespected is just an immature ego response. Develop a little empathy and modesty and you’ll realize that not everything in this world is about you.

Uggg.

Added Note To Myself: I must have been in a grumpy mood when I first wrote this… haha!

 

DirtyDawg:

I never said it was all about me and maybe you’re right It might just be an ego thing. But I like giving girls pleasure in any one way shape or form but I look at it as I’m not the one doing it, she is, and then it turns me off.

 

Robby:

Think of it like this… you’re sharing sexy times together. It’s not about taking over someone’s experience, it’s about sharing. That’s how people have web cam sex… they share the experience without trying to own the experience, know what I mean? Trust me, when a girl is touching herself and she’s thinking of you, that’s a total win! 😀

 

DirtyDawg:

Maybe I was just brought up different cause I was always told that it’s a guys job is to make a women feel happy as possible no matter what and that’s what I’m trying to do.

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Robby:

I totally get what you’re saying, and I felt that same way for years when I was younger. But now that I’m older and I’ve had long talks with women about this I’ve come to realize that we can’t EVER make ourselves RESPONSIBLE for how our partner FEELS. This just means that it’s your job to maintain your own feelings, and how you treat your woman.

And it’s HER responsibility for how she FEELS and how she treats you. Being open and honest, etc.

But if you waste energy trying to be responsible for her feelings you’re ALWAYS going to lose, AND she’ll resent you for it the entire time.

 

DirtyDawg:

Yea you might be right.

 

Added Thoughts?

After reading my short response to his question do you think I missed something? Please add it to my comments below!

Also, here’s one more photo, just because you’ve been kind enough to read this far.

~ Robby

 

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Is Self-Approval Bad Or Unhealthy?

QUESTION:

Hey Rob,

On pg 59 of Ignore and Score, I’m wondering if you can either expand, or just offer an opinion on self approval. Specifically, because I am quite taken with Napoleon Hill’s great old tome the Law of Success and in it, he cautions strongly against self approval. Almost like pride goeth before a fall, ya know?

Thx,

Mark

 

ANSWER:

Hey Mark!

I’m not entirely sure I understand your question but I definitely have an opinion about pride and self approval.

Please realize these are just my opinions and that you should use your own life experience and wisdom to develop your own beliefs and inner systems.  Most of my best ideas are really just born from the ideas I’ve read elsewhere that “feel” most right for me in my life.

I grew up in a Catholic house and my mom explained to me the “sin” of Pride. Unfortunately I was too young to question what I was being told and so I grew up confused about this.

Since then I’ve learned a few things for myself and I’ve come to understand the world in a different way.

I no longer worry about “sins” as described by the bible or by my mom. Today I would define “sin” as anything that harms myself or others.

So as an adult what do I think of PRIDE or SELF APPROVAL?

Well, these are two different concepts. Pride can be a feeling of accompaniment. Self Approval is different; It’s about feeling approved of, and loved, and fitting in. Both of these ideas can be expressed as a type of emotion or feeling. And both of these ideas can waiver from healthy to unhealthy.

Dont-compare-yourself-to-others-thats-when-you-start-to-lose-confidence-in-yourself

 

HEALTHY

It’s healthy to feel pride in ourselves when we’ve done something difficult or we’ve overcome some personal obstacle. For example, this story of Ben Davis who lost 120 pounds:

feel pride

I’m proud of myself for finally finishing and publishing my book IGNORE AND SCORE. I worked really hard to write that book and when I watched it start to make sales in book stores I felt great accomplishment.

I didn’t need my friends to pat me on my back to feel GOOD about myself, even when they did.

I love and appreciate my friends but I try to ignore their compliments (and approval) because deep down I know that they don’t really KNOW if I worked hard or not… and therefore their opinions of my effort aren’t accurate. Only I know if I worked hard or not and therefore only I know if I should be proud or not.

I love my friends and I feel loved by my friends but I don’t base my own pride or approval on their opinions.

I don’t take their praise personally. Just as I don’t take their criticisms personally. This helps me stay free of the good and bad opinions of others. I try not to every take anything personally, which is often easier said than done.

Being proud of yourself for something you actually accomplished sounds okay to me. As does giving yourself approval for things that you’ve earned and deserve.

 

UNHEALTHY

I think that pride becomes unhealthy when it’s used as a measuring stick against others or as a tool of manipulation.

How can pride be used as a tool to manipulate?

Imagine a man who’s insecure about himself. Perhaps he fears that his friends don’t really like him, or that they find him boring. Perhaps in order to feel better about himself he’ll boast about his income, or some girls he took home from the bar. In this way he’s hoping they will become jealous of his success, and in return he will feel pride in his accomplishments.

Except the fault in his boastful approach is that he’s tying his inner value on someone else’s measure of it. In his fear he’s asking his friends to define if he’s “good enough.” And if they are impressed with his money and women then they give him the approval he’s seeking. He’s letting his friends decide how he should feel.

He’s letting others dictate his emotional state. Which is a dangerous and horrible game to play because he’s vulnerable to the whims of others.

When others don’t like him, then he feels bad and he lowers his own defined value.

And here’s a secret… someone will always not like us. No mater how great we are there will always be people who are hateful or jealous.

Pride can also be damaging when refuse to help yourself out of a feeling of pride. For example, if you’re slowly going broke and don’t know how to ask family for help? That’s a form of pride. Or perhaps you’re become obsessed with superficial aspects of your appearance, causing you to suffer from eating disorders? Perhaps that’s a type of negative type of pride as well.

When you refuse to have perspective in order to maintain a delicate self image, that’s when pride becomes harmful. This is why it’s best to always force yourself to maintain some humility and modesty.

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CONFIDENCE VS ARROGANCE

How can you tell if you’re being confident vs arrogant? They both seem to come down to a strong sense of self but why does arrogance feel so… negative?

Arrogance is confidence taken to extreme. When you take confidence and exaggerate it in such a way that you become disconnected with reality, then you’re swimming into the dangerous world of arrogance.

When your confidence begins to step on other people and you start to lose respect and appreciate for others then you’re likely being arrogant.

Even the most confident person can appreciate that others have different perspectives and opinions and feelings. An arrogant person often assumes everyone is wrong in comparison to themselves.

We are drawn to people who are confident because we can respect them. And we avoid arrogant people because we don’t respect them, and they clearly don’t respect us.

Confidence is giving and patient and open. Arrogance is closed and impatient and dismissive.

Can you feel the difference?

Here are two examples of people… Will Smith (confident) and comes across as genuine VS Kanye West (arrogant)who comes across as an asshole. They are both supremely talented and yet one seems to complain of persecutions and suffering (West) while the other shares love and inspiration (Smith).

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EMPATHY

It’s important to understand something here. It’s healthy to decide upon our own inner pride and value, but this doesn’t mean we should disconnect from others or their feelings. I think the greatest “sin” is to lack empathy. It’s okay to share our feelings with our friends and those we have relationships with.

Do you know what we call a person without empathy? They are defined as being psychopath. This is someone who is antisocial who is disconnected from the feelings of others. And this isn’t what I’m talking about.

It’s healthy to FEEL what our friends FEEL. Having friends that tell us what they think of our behaviour keeps us grounded in reality and allows us to have some perspective on ourselves. Plus it helps us share our inner burdens and struggles. Being connected with those we love and trust keeps us safe and happy!

It’s okay to hear and accept the options of our close friends, as long as we don’t give them any more power over us than we give ourselves. It’s easy to let an overbearing insecure friend try to manipulate how we feel about ourselves. For example, I’ve seen parents try to control their own daughter by trying to make her feel bad about herself just because she was trying to understand a different religion then they followed.

Plus, there’s a terrible price to pay when we become too disconnected from others. And that’s when we become self absorbed.

Being self absorbed is the same thing as being alone. And that’s terrible.

It’s completely unhealthy to be blinded with our own inner struggles. Being prideful and self-righteous is an unhealthy defence mechanism people express when they’re trying to delude themselves. Those angry people who protest at the funeral of military men are these types of sad people. They enjoy causing controversy and being in the papers as a way of expressing their self-righteousness. They would prefer to think of themselves as being more HOLY than everyone else and therefore enjoy casting blame and hatefulness at others with signs and distractions. But that’s not holiness, that’s a clear lack of empathy for others.

Being honest with ourselves can be humiliating and painful if we’ve made mistakes. Nobody wants to hate themselves, nor should they. And so our ego will defend itself by striking out at the rest of society. It’s WAY easier to blame society when we have a lack of sexual success… “those damn whores and bitches don’t deserve me!”. Look at the sad tale of Elliot Rodger who became so disconnect with the world that he blamed women for his killing spree.

It’s hard to face our own disfunction’s and missteps. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s worth it.

will-smith-hd

 

 

RESPONSIBILITY

It’s not our fault that the world is full of challenges and hardships. Life isn’t fair. There isn’t a fair distribution of wealth, or health, or success. It’s not our fault, but it IS our responsibility.

It’s not your fault if you’re depressed or bipolar or at a genetic disadvantage in this world, but it IS your responsibility.

When we blame others we are trying to cut ourselves lose from the responsibilities we have for ourselves. When we ask others for their approval we’re asking them to be responsible for how we feel. When we disconnect from the world because we feel fear and hate then we’re trying to escape the hard fact that WE are responsible for OURSELVES!

My point is that there it’s okay to be proud of yourself when your intent is to share love. If you’re bragging about something to your friends ask yourself this, “am I bragging because i’m waiting to see what they’ll say about me, or am I sharing with them because I love them?”  If you’re trying to “get” something from your friends, like approval or jealousy, then you should take a moment for a little self reflection and perspective.  When you love yourself it’s easy to love your friends, and visa versa.

And it’s also easy to try to make everyone else feel terrible when we feel terrible, like spreading a poison.

Just be wary of your true intent…. is it love or poison?  😀

I hope this helps?

~ Robby

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Stop Trying To Convince Women To Date You!

(Today’s Guest Guru Post is by David Wygant, a legendary Dating Coach with his own fantastic website www.DavidWygant.com. Go check it out!)

Why do so many of you guys feel like you have to convince women to date you?

Are you really that pathetic?

Do you not practice self-love and self-confidence?

Do you not have any pride?

Why do you think you have to convince women to date you?

You can’t convince a woman to want you. Attraction isn’t a choice. Either a woman feels it or she doesn’t. Imagine going on a date with a woman, and then her calling you non-stop even though you’re not attracted to her. But imagine her trying to convince you non-stop how wonderful it would be to be with you, and how great you would be together. Wouldn’t it annoy you? Wouldn’t you see her as the most desperate and insecure woman you’d ever met?

Of course you would! So why do I keep getting these emails?

“David,

There’s a girl I’m trying to convince to date me, but I just don’t understand her. She’s not interested in me. Sometimes she responds harshly to me too. I want her so badly. How can I get her to date me?”

She responds harshly to you? Do you have a complex?

She’s not interested in you. Give it up. Do you really want to be with a woman who reacts harshly to you anyway?

It’s not healthy being with a woman who is going to bust your balls and make you feel insure and insignificant all the time. It’s amazing how many guys put up with this. There was a client of mine a couple of years ago who was in an abusive relationship. The woman actually beat him. That’s right. She hit him, yet he stayed with her because he “loved her” and didn’t think he deserved any better. And that’s what these kind of emails tell me.

If you spend all your time trying to convince women to date you, you shouldn’t even be dating right now. You should be listening to my audio called “Self-love.”

You need to improve your self-confidence and boost your self-esteem. You need to feel great as a man, because if not you’re going to keep attracting mean, abusive women, who only want to be with you because they know they can control you. You can’t convince women you’re great. They have to see it themselves.

It’s time to man up and start working on yourself. Women are not the end all be all. A relationship doesn’t define who you are. You need to define yourself before you have a relationship. My advice to you is get your balls and your manhood back, and THEN go and find a girlfriend. Don’t waste your time chasing women who don’t want you!

Social Anxiety – Help! I’m Shy With Women!

(Today’s Guest Guru Post is by David Wygant, a legendary Dating Coach with his own fantastic website www.DavidWygant.com. Go check it out!)

I’ve been a dating coach now for nearly 20 years, and without doubt, the most common problem guys are dealing with when they come to me for help is being shy with women. I would say at least 8 out of every 10 guys who look me up for coaching want help finding a cure for social anxiety, or help overcoming approach anxiety.

Double Your Online Dating

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Let’s get right into it… dating online is superficial.

Before she she will want to connect with you in “real life,” or even via web cam, she has to like what she sees.

She can’t hear you, or smell you, or pickup on the nuances of your personality until she get’s to spend some time with you face to face, cheek to cheek.

She can’t even taste you… yet.

The reality is that your dating profile is all she get’s to see so let’s make the most it.

 

Profile Photo

Nothing is as important as your profile photo. She will NOT  read your profile if you look unattractive in your profile photos.

But the benefit to dating online is that you can take as much time as you wish perfecting those photos… I recommend having three photos, no more than five.

Have one head shot, one full body, and one with friends. The head shot allows her to see your full beauty. The full body allows her to see what your body looks like, and the one with friends tricks her into thinking you have friends.

This article is all about your money shot… your face.

 

How To Pose

Here’s two major tips on making yourself look amazing:

 

Use A Professional

Listen… as nice as your iPhone camera is, it’ll never give you the beautiful lights and darks, and depths as a Pro Camera with a Pro Lens.

Just hire a pro, it’s worth it.

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phone-vs-camera

Use A Soft Flash

If you’re doing this with a friend suggest using a bounce flash, or a diffused flash, as opposed to a harsh direct flash. Using a direct flash will make you look older and will give you hard edges. A soft flash will make you look more.. handsome.

Learn more here.

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Create Depth Of Field

You can’t get a decent depth of field in a photo with a pocket camera, you need a nice camera with a nice lens. This is what using a pro is good for. But if you’re still set on using your buddy Frank and his DSLR then be sure to create as much depth of field as possible. Learn how here.

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Fill The Frame

Often dating sites will shrink your photos into thumbnails, which will shrink your beautiful face… so make sure your face fill the screen.

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Fitness Translates To The Camera

Obviously there is only so much a camera can do for how you look. The best way to improve your appearance is to be physically healthy, lean, and happy. Those who care for themselves tend to be more attractive.

21 People On How Life Has Changed Since They Went From Ugly To Hot
21 People On How Life Has Changed Since They Went From Ugly To Hot
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Self Worth Takes Work

When you work on your confidence it builds confidence. When you work on your muscles, it builds muscles.

For some reason there are plenty of men out there who don’t realize that you can BUILD your self esteem through purpose driven work. Confident men don’t accidentally become confident, they work at it. All the time.

Here are a few resources I like that might help you, should you want to refresh your confident muscles.

Deep Inner Game, On Being A Man, Become Mr. Right, Man Transformation, Bodybuilding.com, ScrawnyToBrawny.com

 

Finally…

Here are some famous portraits by Martin Schoeller to inspire you.

Click To See More
Click To See More

 

Breast of luck!

~ Robby