I’ve read some of your article and it seems like you definitely understand women. Do you think it would be a bad idea to lose my v card at a (legal) Nevada Brothel just to get it over with and gain some much needed confidence?
Hey, thanks for the question!
Any two people can meet in a club and go home and have sex, and that’s perfectly legal. But the moment there’s money exchange it becomes illegal?
So ya, if you’re going to find a Lady Of The Night… have fun! Just play safe and don’t do anything that will get you arrested.
But I will say this… you won’t walk away from Paid Sex knowing anything about sex. The entire encounter will be fake and won’t teach you anything.
If you want to build your confidence with women then you definitely shouldn’t tie your identity to your virginity, nor should any one thing (like sex) dictate how confident you are.
Confidence is about trusting yourself to handle any given situation.
You will often see sports jocks who do well on the field also do well in the dating world. This is because they’ve been through really hard challenges both personally and professionally and they simply learn how to feel grounded and self secure no matter they face… even in the face of challenges they’ve never had.
Confidence cones from trusting yourself to figure things out no matter what you face.
In order to build your confidence you should work on these main things:
1) No matter what happens, you’re going to be fine.
You should realize that no matter what happens on a first date (or 20th date, or the first time you have sex, or the millionth time you have sex) you can handle it. Even if she slapped your face and ran away crying, it’s going to be okay. Even if she laughs at your dick, it’s going to be okay. Even if nothing happens and you really connect with a girl… it’s going to be okay.
This might seem impossible to believe, but I’ve been around and I’ve seen some shit. Everything is survivable.
I think I have this mindset because I’ve taught myself this over many many years. I went through a horrible divorce and when I came out the other side I realized… nothing lasts and nothing ever kills me. Even my hardest up hill run… even if my heart feels like it’s going to stop and I can’t breath… I always survive because nothing is really that bad.
2) Courage takes practice.
If you’re scared of talking to women you’ve just met then teach yourself, slowly, to talk to strangers. I did this myself… I would make small talk while shopping. Things like, “Excuse me, do you have the time. Oh, that’s a great watch, where did you get it? Thanks!” I’d ask people every day just to get in the habit of making small talk with strangers. And over time I’d ask even the super hot girls in huge groups. And eventually I learned how to string those conversations out longer and longer.
Find very small things that make you nervous and try them out. Even in tiny ways.
Even physical challenges are really good for this. I used to run a lot and I would run up a hill and refuse to stop. Even when I felt like I would die, just to prove to myself that I could make it even if it really really really hurt.
This build my courage through experience.
3) The only person who’s opinion matters is your own.
A great skill to develop is the ability to not take things personally.
When someone gives you a compliment say, “Thanks” but never ever let their opinion build you up, or make you FEEL good about yourself.
The benefit is this: when you no longer give credit to the opinion of others you are free to only give and get approval from yourself.
And in this way you will no longer care when someone insults you, or tries to hurt your feelings. When that dude makes fun of you because you didn’t know something you can shrug it off… because you don’t CARE what he thinks of you.
And when you take the time to give yourself approval, each day, through your actions, you build your confidence.
“Hey Robby, good work out today!”
“Hey Robby, I like how you made your bed first thing in the morning, I appreciate that dude.”
“Hey, good hustle on that run today!”
Over time you’ll discover that every time you work hard you will reward yourself with strong inner dialogue.
This will make you immune to the disapproval of others. And will build your confidence. Because confidence can either be tied to what someone else thinks (making you their dog or bitch) or it can be tied to you and your own personal successes.
This work will build your inner strengths. And if you want to be good with women too, then study them. Read some books. And more importantly, talk to them. Because when you’re open and honest and vulnerable with a girlfriend, she’s going to WANT to give you sex… and she’s going to fear that she’s doing it wrong the entire time. They ALWAYS fear doing it wrong. And it’ll be YOUR job to teach her what you like, and her job to teach you what she likes… and you might have to ask if she’s super shy. But you won’t have this communication with someone you have to pay for sex because they only care about making you cum and getting you out the door.
There’s a tonne of online videos about how to perform in the bedroom, and I don’t mean main-stream porn. I mean instructional videos made by women. Watch them and learn.
I especially like the sexual advice from David Dedia, look him up and read his stuff!!
Yea there’s a few legal brothels in Nevada. Totally safe and legal. Condom use Is mandatory.
You make a lot of excellent points.
That is definitely true about doing things that scare you and being in shape giving you confidence. That’s cool that you do hill running. I’ve ran 10k races before. And I have a Black Belt in Kenpo Karate. It does wonders for your confidence.
However the problem is that even though I feel good about myself doing these things I still have NO clue how to talk to girls or get them to like me.
I guess my biggest fear is not knowing what to say.
I get what your saying about how it’s not what you say to a woman, its how make her FEEL. That’s very true. However. Even though I can make women laugh and make small talk I never know how to take it to the next level. Should I start by maybe playfully touching them or giving subtle hints?
I just want to add that you’re a really awesome guy. That’s really admirable that you have taken to sharing what you have learned about women and inner game with your fellow man. A lot of guys would jealously guard there secrets.
Hey, thanks! Ya, there’s no need to guard these ideas from other men, unless I somehow think I can sleep with all the women of this world. But I can’t, so someone else should. Hopefully that’s you.
Women seem scary only because you don’t have experience with them. I was lucky enough to grow up with all women in my house, so I grew up learning that women are hilarious and insecure and harmless. They can’t physically hurt you, so that fear is gone. And most women grow up thinking that their social value is completely tied to their looks… which makes most women incredibly insecure about themselves. This is unfortunate for them, but gives guys like you and I a decent chance at wining their hearts.
Because when you’re a MAN who can take care of a woman with true love in your heart, no matter what her moods, you’ll always get the girl.
I’m sure martial arts teaches you composure in the face of fear and danger, right? Well being good with women is this exact same thing.
When you first approach a woman and you can keep calm and happy, deep into your soul, it doesn’t matter what she says… all that matters is how she FEELS about how YOU feel. If she was feeling bitchy and was trying to push your buttons but you were completely un-reactive to her.. and you even grinned a little, as if you knew a secret (the secret is that girls push guys away often as a test, and sometimes out of insecurities) then by just being calm you would calm her.
Once you’re in a conversation with a girl, or even a date, it’s EASY to move things into the bedroom.
Because the steps to get into the bedroom are always the same. It’s like learning a Kata in karate. Learn those steps and simply take them each one at a time.
Your job is to hang out with her and have fun – the VIBE needs to be comfortable and fun. Learning how to flirt a little and tease her a little is what helps build tension and mystery and suspense. Being honest and open and vulnerable once in a while is what helps her relax and trust you. The combination of teasing and trust is what women call “chemistry.”
Women WANT to have a sex with men. They love sex too. But they fear being hurt. And they fear being embarrassed.
So as a man you need to always assume she’s scared.
Sex Is Just A Room In a Haunted House
Think of sex as a dark scary room in a haunted house. You’re both at the entrance to the house and you’re thinking about going in to find that scary room together. How do you get her into the scary house and into the scary room with you?
Teach her three major things:
1) That the house is scary but it’s harmless and fun. The scary part is what makes it fun.
2) You’ll protect her by taking her hand and leading her room to room, always taking all the risks yourself.
3) She can trust that you’re willing to back out of any room, or situation, at any time should she get too scared.
To help you accomplish these three steps, when seducing a girl, you need a little preparation.
1) You need to learn about all the scary rooms in the haunted house in advance.
This means learning about sex via books or videos or friends or articles. This way when you’re naked you can relax and explore her body inch by inch without being surprised by anything, and so that you’re not unsure of what to expect because you’ll have already seen it in a video, or read it in a book. Truly, the “sex” part of sex is easy. Anything you do with her naked, even if it’s just kissing and touching, is sex.
This also means learning about the specific steps of sexual escalation. This is also outlined in detail online: Google Escalation Ladder by Vin DeCarlo. He’s breaks it down pretty clearly.
David DeAngelo also wrote something called “Bridges”
So learning these steps is most likely what you’re missing.
2) Teaching her to trust you comes from being trust worthy.
Always do what you say you’re going to do.
And be patient by taking a step back if she’s acting nervous. Always stop when she wants to stop. Pay attention to how she feels (don’t ask just pay attention.)
Don’t let her see you judging other women for the way they look or act or dress. Don’t call women slutty, etc. She needs to learn that you’re completely non judgemental. This helps a woman relax and open up to being vulnerable ( and naked ) while with you.
When you’re flirting or teasing her make sure you only tease her about things that she’s really confident in, and never what she’s not confident in. So you would never tease a fat girl about being fat. You could only tease a skinny girl about being fat if she’s is completely aware that you’re being sarcastic. This takes time to find a balance and practice. I’ve made girls run from the room crying while I was learning where this line was. When in doubt just play it safe. Ha!
3) Taking her by the hand and being a leader is how you get a girl naked. Because she will never do it for you, unless she’s paid.
Another side of trust is when a guy leads. He invites her out for dinner. He suggests a time and place. He suggests he picks her up and drops her off. By leading you’re telling her that she can relax and that you’ll take all the risks in order to help her relax and trust you.
Don’t fear… once you’re in a relationship you can start to share the leadership and trust, but not at the beginning.
Here’s an article I wrote on the Dynamics of Holding Hands.
I hope this get’s you started on the right path, and into that scary room in the back of the haunted house. Or, if you’re a really player, sneak in the back door and surprise her?