Why did he date me for so long if I’m not his preference?
I dated this guy on and off for 5 years before ending it for good late last year. I’m confused about the whole relationship now though because he’s been tweeting a lot about his love of redheads with freckles lately. The confusion is because I’m mixed and I don’t possess either of those qualities. If he’s that into redheads with freckles, why would he date me in the first place? I know that just because you like certain features doesn’t mean every person you date has to have them, but he seems REALLY into them. Is it normal for people to date so far out of their usual “type”?
I have a few thoughts…
1) Ignore his online status updates and comments… they are his pathetic way of getting attention (like the horrible humblebrag) and the reason he dated you originally was because he was attracted to you. Attraction isn’t a choice, nor is it the consequence of his logical preferences.
2) You will never feel empowered if you give all your power away. I can see you doing this by asking “why did he do this and that?” These types of questions make it will put you at the powerless end of a relationship… the end where you hope and dream he likes you enough to stick around.
I would recommend a different approach.
An approach where YOU keep your power and he keeps his.
Try something more empowering like, “Why did I stick around when the relationship was one again and off again so much?”
Here’s my point: if you place yourself as a victim of someone else’s decisions then you’re just making yourself weak and likely to make poor future choices – leaving you to feel unable to control your future.
That totally sucks.
Instead you should be realizing that it’s YOUR responsibility to CHOOSE who YOU are with… not someone else’s responsibility to choose you.
Sure, being responsible might seem scary and you might worry that you’ll blame yourself for all future bad choices, but that’s the point! You ARE to blame. And that’s okay! Until you take the blame you’ll never feel empowered enough to make BETTER choices in the future.
3) A man’s preference isn’t law.
Sure I prefer huge breasted actresses from my favorite movies. But that doesn’t mean I’m dating them (I’m just way too busy… #humblebrag)
Never under estimate the power of proximity when it comes to mate selection.
He was dating you likely because you were cute, and available. Simple.
I hope this helps?
Now move on!
There’s nothing as good at helping you forget an ex as meeting someone new worth getting to know.
The dynamic of your relationship is completely exposed by how you hold hands with your girl.
I’m not a writer. At least I don’t see myself as one, and lord knows I barely passed high school English, so when I’m told that my blog posts are too long it surprises me. Looking back I can see that your criticisms are well founded. I tend to blab too much. So this blog post will be my attempt at brevity and to-the-pointed-ness.
I want to perform a science experiment. And by science I mean Google search, and by experiment I mean find-photos-that-support-my-suspicions.
Will this blog end up in a peer-reviewed science magazine?
Mom says no.
Will it provide you with a piece of the puzzle that is Dating Dynamics and therefore a significant step towards greater success with women and dating?
There are two major reasons to hold her hand when you first start dating:
1) When you’re leading and protecting her (helping her through the paparazzi, around the club, across the street, or into your vehicle.)
2) When you’re bonding. This is either during the honeymoon phase Honeymoon Phase of your relationship or after you’ve already had sex.
Bad reasons for holding her hand?
1) To dominate and control her. It communicates to her that you don’t respect her enough to let her make her own decisions. It also indicates that you’re so insecure about your relationship with her that you refuse to allow her to operate independent from you. This is sad. Don’t be this guy.
2) To tell other men she’s your property and off the market. These are the guys who are always watching which other men are looking at their girl. His insecurity is that she’s going to find someone better, and she probably will. Women like dominant men, not domineering men.
Hand Holding also indicates who’s wearing the pants in the relationship
I did a quick Google search and didn’t find any hard evidence to support this theory but I’ll pretend like I did. When you see couples holding hands you can always tell who’s the ‘man’ and who’s the ‘woman.’ The person’s who’s hand is on top, or infront, of the other’s hand is the leader.
Most women, and I’ll generalize here because it’s my blog, prefer a man who leads them. He leads her to safety, leads her to fun, leads her away from danger, and leads her onto their next adventure together.
If you’re not willing to walk in front of your woman while holding her hand (as a wall of protection against the dangers of the world or simply because you’re leading her from one place to the next) then she’ll unconsciously FEEL your weakness and possibly feel frustrated with you.
(I go into deep details on the dynamics of touch and escalation and seduction in my new online video course, check it this week and get 50% off now! Click Here. )
Don’t believe me?
Here’s my extensive research in the matter:
As you can see these leading men are setting the example.
How about two Alpha’s like Bratt Pitt and Angelina Jolie? This one is more tough:
Here are some more examples:
These are interesting…
Here are two couples that didn’t last… for some reason… you do the math.
Early into your first few dates find any reason you can to lead her by the hand. Perhaps you’re helping her out of the car, to your table in a resturant, or through a crowded room. This helps you frame the rest of your relationship VERY early. Plus this will invite her to trust you, and to follow you. As an added tip; if you’ve taken her hand to lead her somewhere be sure to release it before she does.
It’s no secret that foreplay is the most neglected part, at least from a woman’s perspective. We’re always in a rush to get into her panties that we completely ignore how SHE’S feeling.
And when we DO remember about foreplay, it’s probably too late, anyway. Once you’re inside her, it’s a little too late to start doing it, right?
The hard part about foreplay is to remember to do it at the right time. Us guys get so excited when with a girl that we skip over some steps and rush things to get to the end.
Now, I can’t teach you how to be patient. This is something you’ll have to acquire for yourself. But what I can do is give you some of my best foreplay tips that you can apply the next time you’ll be in bed with a girl.
#1. Kissing and touching
I know what you’re thinking: I knew that already. Maybe you did, but did you also know how to find her erogenous zones? No matter how much you kiss and touch her shoulders, if she’s not turned on by it, she probably never will, no matter how hard you try.
So as you do your foreplay, make sure you notice her body’s reactions to your kissing and touching. Make mental notes of the places she seems to enjoy so you can keep coming back to them from time to time.
As the foreplay advances, you’ll want to “visit” those areas more and more often. Most guys think that women get turned off if you work on a single area too much, but that’s exactly why they don’t give them orgasms!
#2. Slowly remove her clothes
Sometimes they like it rough, I get it. But even so, the chances of her orgasm are higher if you take it slow. One trick I sometimes use is to slowly remove her top just a little, kiss it, then put it back. If done at the right time, this will drive her crazy!
#3. Give her a massage
You don’t need fancy massage oil and complicated techniques to make her feel really good. Start with the shoulders, then slowly move down all the way to her lower back.
A very basic massage technique teaches us to do it in passes. The first pass is for warm-up. You usually start with the lower back, moving upwards but without pressing too much with your palms. You can move pretty quickly and reach the shoulders after about 15 seconds after you pass. This 1st phase should last for about 2 minutes.
In phase two you start applying a little more pressure. Start with the lower back, particularly the left side. On this second pass, use only the back of your hands, but don’t worry if you also touch her with your fingers.
Ok, we’re ready for the 3rd pass. Start with any muscle, her left shoulder, for instance. Locate a muscle at random, then start to slowly massage it with your fingers. Then move on to the next, and so on.
One thing to keep in mind is that you should only use your fingers to massage her shoulders and the back of her head, while the back of your hands should be used only to massage her middle and lower back.
All right, that’s it! Now you have a basic set of tools to give any girl a foreplay that she’ll remember.
I have a fear that guys will think I’m unattractive if they see me close up.
I wouldn’t say I have low self-confidence (maybe a little) but sometimes I doubt my attractiveness and I think, what on earth does this guy see in me?!
For example, there’s this guy who I don’t really know that catches the same train as me to school everyday. And I KNOW he always stares at me all the time when I don’t look at him, and when I look at him, he quickly looks away, always. Now, we’ve never stood face to face, but I’m worried that one day, IF he approaches me and he gets fairly close to my face, he’ll think LOL JOKES YOUR FUGLY…
Is this just stupid of me because it is actually a genuine fear of mine! That people think I’m alright looking from a distance, but up close they’ll be like “naaaahhh false alarm” hahaha
What do you think? Do you think that it is possible for someone to obviously like the way you look (say, at least 5 metres away), but think you’re unattractive close up?
What others find superficially attractive about you will vary from guy to guy. Some guys like short girls, and some guys like round girls, and some guys like super thin girls. It all depends.
But something that DOES seem to be universally true is that most guys find “fun and confident” girls attractive.
Because it’s not how you LOOK that really matters, it’s how that guy FEELS when he’s with you.
But more importantly: how you see YOURSELF will influence how OTHERS see you.
Are the popular kids in school confident because they’re popular? Or are they popular because they’re confident?
How YOU FEEL will infect those that interact with you. So if you’re feeling good about yourself then everything about you will show that you feel good. You’ll smile more. You’ll crack more jokes. You’ll careless how others feel about you.
Girls who love themselves tend to be most attractive:
BUT if you feel ugly it’ll infect others as well.
You can either allow the world around you to dictate how you feel (making you a slave to the world you interact with) or you can CHOOSE your own feelings (Making the world a slave to YOU.)
What you think and believe is manifested through your eyes and face and body language. So if you’re insecure or you some how hate how you look then you’ll be communicating that with everyone you meet.
Even just NEEDING other people to like you or find you attractive is a turn off… it’ll make you seem like an emotional vampire trying to bleed people of their attention and approval.
Not that you’re doing this of course!
I’m just trying to point you in a more important direction… asking yourself what you find attractive about yourself, and then celebrating those things.
The more you love and accept yourself, the more attractive your personality will become, the healthier you’ll act and behave, and the more you’ll take care of yourself. These are all ways of becoming more attractive as a woman!
Trust me on this… there’s something powerful about a woman who loves herself, and who doesn’t need a man’s approval to feel good.
What does it mean when a girl says she isn’t looking for anything serious?
Ok I’m a tad bit confused about this. We have been on three dates and today would be a fourth. She texts me “good morning,” has laid her head on my shoulder, and was over at my place where we made out (not sex) so am I a rebound?
It either means you’re showing too much interest (too much calling/texting/emails/Facebooking/compliments) OR she’s just rationalizing her own behaviour to herself (giving herself permission to flirt without feeling responsible for what that means.)
New couples always go through a initial phase of apprehension. And old couples too I suppose.
If you’re being TOO interested TOO fast it’ll make her want to push you away. If you’re doing this then it makes sense that she’s giving your some boundaries.
And if she’s really not looking for anything serious BUT still enjoys your attention and affection she’s going to say the same thing, thereby freeing her from any self judgement for hanging out with you. Yes, it’s possible for women to want to hook up without it meaning anything.
My advice? Mirror her interest for now. Either she’ll eventually want more, or she won’t.
What do I mean by “mirror” her interest? The more interest she shows the more you can show (always show slightly less.) And when she seems disinterested, then so should you.
Overall contact her slightly less than she does, this way she won’t feel smothered by you. And it gives her the space to breath. And she’ll either miss your company, or she’ll move on.
Basically go with the flow without becoming needy or desperate.
If you’re patient, and fun, she’ll likely relax and will eventually want MORE from you.
If she takes too long and you grow bored, then go out and meet someone new! Don’t get bent out of shape if this one girl feels like too much work, there’s plenty more who will meet you in the middle.
There’s a lot of information when it comes to meeting women. However, when you’re out there talking to them, you’re probably not going to remember anything. That’s what happens to everyone and that’s when beginners fail miserably.
You can’t learn every pick-up line in the book by heart. Even if you could, that would be creepy.
Instead, I want you to focus on the essential. The mindset, as I like to call it. And to do that, you just need to remember a few WORDS.
Words are anchors. The moment you say them (even if it’s only inside your head), you’ll generate a series of feelings that will tell your brain exactly what to say. Other people will perceive this behavior as being spontaneous. But we’ll know exactly what’s going on.
So, what are the magic words you need to remember? This is where it gets interesting. It’s different for everyone. So what I’m gonna do is give you a few of the words that are most common and I’ll let you figure out your own words based on them.
Ready? Let’s do this.
First word: confidence.
Man, there’s no other word that can get me more pumped up than this one. Once I hear it inside my head, I know exactly why I’m there and what I’m supposed to do.
Confidence should be at the core of your mindset. Everything from your job or business to travelling to… basically doing anything… should be done with confidence.
When you’re being confident, you’re less likely to freak out and more likely to think… less likely to be negative and more likely to be super-optimistic… and more likely to know what you need to do in the present moment, rather than just daydream about the future.
Last but not least, even if she knows you’re playing her, keep it up. If she tells you you’re a player, show her confidently that you don’t care. It’s who you are. Her submissive behavior will help her get past that.
Second word: goodwill.
Ever saw those gangster movies? Even the bad guys have good intentions, at least what’s what they say. That’s probably what makes them so attractive to women anyway.
If there’s a sure fire way to screw up a conversation with a girl then that’s showing her you have bad intentions. No one likes to talk to someone whom they suspect they’re trying to use them.
Now, this doesn’t mean you need to turn yourself into a wuss. Instead, be the kind of guy who’s always trying to help people move forward, get the best in every situation and reach for the stars.
If a girl talks about how she hats her job or how she can’t find work, tell he things are going to get better. Tell her you’ve been there yourself.
If she’s telling you she doesn’t trust guys as they’re all in it just for sex, try to see things from her perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to turn into her girlfriend, but rather to avoid a gender conflict in which you advocate the opposite of what she’s saying. Trying to fight emotions with logic is suicide.
Third word: time.
You might think that girls need to take things slow. Well, they say they do but when they meet a guy who values bot his and their time, they just let him take the lead and, provided he doesn’t rush them into bed, they let him move pretty darn fast.
A lot of guys spend too much time hoping they’ll get pity sex when, in reality, they turn into their girlfriends.
The best way to move things forward? Just tell them. Tell them you have a busy schedule and try to get them to agree to your terms. Keep in mind their schedule as well, remember word #2. But don’t spend 6 hours with a girl just hoping she’ll invite you over or something.
When you feel you need to make a move, make a move. It’s not an issue of time, it’s an issue of her being ready and giving you the right indicators of interest. And if you do your part and just be the naturally attractive guy she craves, she’ll be ready.
That’s about it. But hey, I know different words may ring your bell. Let me know what hose are in a comment below.
I’d like to understand “friend before dating” situations.
I know that as a guy I don’t need much stimulation in order to want to have sex with a girl, but for girls it often takes forever to get in the mood for sex. I’ve noticed that most of the guys I know have met their girlfriend through friendships first. Can this be explained or justified? Also Why not simply be upfront with her feelings for a guy (whether she likes him or not)? Why do women feel the need to “Friend zone Guys (back-up/Tool guy)” before dating them, in other words?
People break-up often times whether the relationship involved friendship or not, why waste time?
Men don’t feel the same way about dating and sex than women because men don’t face the same dangers as women.
Dangers like: – Rape – Social Judgements (sluts, whores, rejection of friends, etc) – Pregnancy
One main reason women can’t be as willy nilly about sex as men is because women face different safety concerns.
So the “friends first” is really just the time they need to confirm you’re not just looking to TAKE from her (take sex, attention, affection, etc) without any intent to GIVE BACK. They worry because there are plenty of dudes who are selfish dicks who lack empathy or common compassion.
As a man I would recommend you assume the “friends first” is the “dating” phase of the relationship.
She calls it “friends” but you can call it “dating” because it can look exactly the same – spending time together getting to know each other. During which time you treat her exactly as you would any date… flirting, teasing, having fun and constant sexual escalation.
During this “friends” phase you should be slowly escalating towards that first kiss. Escalating with all types of physical touch like hugs, hand holding, cuddling, whispering in ears, etc. The men who don’t continue to escalate end up permanently stuck in the Friend Zone… mostly because they’ve lacked the masculine intent and sexual escalation most women NEED to feel attraction.
By the end of the second or third date you should have tried kissing her.
I can tell from your comments that you’re frustrated with the “dating” phase of the sexual relationships you’re seeking… which implies that you’re not looking for a girlfriend or “getting to know her” … if this is true then just avoid women who want more than just sex.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting one-night stands, just don’t waste time with those women who DO want more than sex.
I’m going to cut to the chase… there’s really only 1 reason she’s not more than just a friend: fear.
Right? I mean… have you even tried to kiss her?
Tell me I’m wrong.
Go ahead, lie right to my fat ugly face!
But just because I’ve already written this blog post title, and therefore can’t possibly go back to change it (I’m lazy), I will now give you 5 reason’s you’re still stuck in the penis prison we call “the friend zone.”
Reason 1: You’re Not Dating Other Women.
Perhaps one of the greatest ways to influence how a woman FEELS about you is how other women tell her to FEEL about you.
Social Proof. Jealously. All of these things work in your favour!
Because FEAR stops most guys from making any romantic progress with the women they desire it’s easy to understand why a man would THINK that keeping himself single would help him “get the girl” … sorta speak.
We dudes have an amazing ability to backwards rationalize our bad decision making. Too often we over think things and we make the bad choices.
Let me ask you this…. which description sounds MORE attractive to a woman?
Man Number 1: Actively dating and pursued by other women?
Man Number 2: Celibate and single?
Yes, keeping yourself single and available SEEMS like the most LOGICAL choice, but when it comes to attraction and romance LOGIC doesn’t peal her clothes off… how she FEELS about you does.
It’s okay to worry that she’s going to exclude you as a possible boyfriend when you’re dating other women. Because at least it puts you on the radar and it shows her that you have the qualities other women already find desirable. And the added benefits are that you don’t let your JUNK get rusty from lack of use.
And, of course, the odds go up that you’re going to meet a woman who’s actually into you without all the fuss….
So date. Other women. Even if only as a form of practice and good manners. 🙂
Reason 2: You’re Predictable.
Most guys are so worried about pushing a woman away that they lack any action at all. Instead of building attraction and tension they choose the path of predictability and friendship and commonalities.
You’re stuck in the Friend Zone because you’ve been really good at being friends. And friends seek comfort and sameness. You mirror each other’s likes and dislikes, feelings and beliefs. This will help her to feel cozy and warm. This, in it’s self, is VERY important if you want a relationship to grow long term, but it’s terrible at pealing off her panties.
Here’s some quick tips to help you mix it up:
Have your own opinions about some things. It’s actually good to disagree in order to show her you’re a man with his own beliefs.
Start doing things you’ve never done before, even if she’s not there. Like taking a gun course, or join a running group, or make your own art. Being unpredictable requires you to try NEW things. These mini adventures in your life become fun and interesting stories you can share with her when you hang out.
Hang out with her less. Being available is predictable. Being unavailable is immediately less boring. It leaves her wondering who and what you’re doing.
Tease her once in a while about something she wouldn’t expect. Maybe you think her cute new purse is more like a horses saddle. Don’t be mean, be playful.
Don’t always answer her calls or text messages. Why? Because you’re a busy guy and sometimes you miss these things!
Don’t always answer her direct questions with direct answers… instead be playful and aloof and slightly mysterious. She wants to know what you did last night? Well you can’t tell her because it’s a secret.
Sop being generic and boring and predictable. Develop your personality and strengths and embrace your identity! Stand out, it’s worth it.
Reason 3: You’re Not Sexual.
It’s your job, as a healthy man with a penis (presumably), to spread your genes…. or at least to practice the process. This makes you a sexual being at your very CORE.
So please come to grips with this. Being sexual is OKAY and you need to find a way to accept this within yourself. Because she won’t until you do.
Now that you’ve given yourself permission to have sex, to want sex, and to share it with whom ever you choose, it’s time to remind HER that it’s okay to be sexy.
Your JOB is to AMP up her FEELINGS of attraction in order to overcome any resistance she might naturally have.
Women like sex.
Sex is okay and good and healthy.
It’s okay to find her sexually attractive.
It’s okay that she KNOWS that you find her sexually attractive.
It’s more fun for her to wonder if you find her sexually attractive.
Sex is about being playful, it’s not all serious business.
This is why it’s okay to date other women, for example. It reminds her that you’re a man with a working penis. And that if other women are enjoying your penis then perhaps she might too!
Basically you need to start flirting and teasing her more.
Teasing a buddy is how we guys show affection for each other.
Flirting is how we show affection with women. It’s like teasing except we pick topics she’s confident about, not topics she’s insecure about. This is important.
We might tease a buddy if he’s gained weight because men tend to respond well to challenge from friends. But women don’t respond to challenge in this same way… they tend to prefer positive encouragement and love.
For example, I have a very fit female friend who knows she’s hot. And so I like to tease her about her big hands. Why? Because she’s confident enough to take it and because her other guy friends wouldn’t dare. But at the same time I like to tease her about bubble butt. It’s round and perfect and she knows it and sometimes it’s fun to remind her that I want to bite it.
Basically you need to flirt and make more sexual undertones. Because if you’re going to sleep with this girl she should see it coming. It’s hard to suddenly kiss a girl if you’ve never slowly built up the sexual tension and teasing.
Reason 4: You’re Not Leading Her.
When you’re with a girl is she driving or are you? I’m talking figuratively and literally.
If you want to seduce this girl then it’s YOUR job to take her by the hand and lead her on an adventure!
So always be the driver.
YOU pick HER up. You drive her home. You make sure she gets in her place safe every time!
Being a masculine attractive man requires you to do some work. Don’t be lazy.
Don’t ask her where she wants to go or what she wants to eat. That’s boring… bad. Instead suggest it.
If she’s not into it she’ll let you know.
This is bad:“Hey Christine! Wanna hang out sometime this week?”
This is good:“Hey Christine! Clear your plans this wednesday night… I have something fun for us to do. I’ll pick you up at 6pm, don’t eat anything and wear those sexy jeans!”
You can’t lead a woman to bed if you can’t even lead her out on a dinner date.
So get used to making ALL the plans. Help her to get used to just following YOU. Even to dinner. Or to the dog park. Or to the local out door music festival. Or to that parade. Or for a romantic walk while the sun is setting. Or through a crowded restaurant to your table. Or from your couch to the floor in front of the TV.
By leading you’re doing many good things. You’re setting up a relationship where you LEAD and she FOLLOWS. She follows because she’s learned to trust that you’re going to take care of her AND you’re going to help her FEEL good. How you take her hand when getting out of your truck communicates how you’ll take her in bed. And she FEELS that.
Eventually she will trust you to take her anywhere, even your bedroom.
Here’s a secret… it doesn’t matter how INTO you a woman gets – she will never make the first move or the next move. She’s waiting for YOU to do it!
Reason 5: You’re Not Touching Her.
Fear stops us from doing all the right things.
The problem is that we guys fear rejection even more than we fear death. Well… it’s our egos that fear rejection more than us as men. Here’s a great article on fear: 5 Fears We All Live With
The reason it’s so scary to kiss her is because you haven’t done all the small things that lead to kissing her. But when you’ve done all the small things then the big things are just normal steps in the adventure of sexual escalation.
Don’t know all the little steps? Read this: Escalation.
Don’t suddenly try to kiss a girl.. because that’s weird. But if she’s already used to you giving her a big hug every time you see each other, and she’s used to you flirting and teasing her, and she’s used to you touching her in a thousand little ways, then that first kiss is just a tiny natural step in the process.
Don’t fear touching her. It’s going to be okay. It’s your job to slowly and constantly test her boundaries. Playfully.