Today’s question is from a female reader… something about a dude who lives far away… something about being jealous…
Q: I met this guy through exchange at my school last year and we are now best friends. He is no longer in the same country but we keep in touch.
I really liked him when we first met because he was so different, and he still is, but I think I’ve reached the point where I dont want to ruin the friendship. I don’t think he likes me because he believes long distance relationships fail, and I am confused with how I feel because I dont want to be with him, yet I cannot bare to hear about other girls either.
We both show signs of jealousy when the topic of other girls and boys come up, but I dont think that’s anything more than natural jealousy?
Im just confused on
a) how I feel, which I know I need to figure out myself
b) but also whether or not its possible for things to accelerate or if the notion of boys and girls not being able to be just friends is true or not.
We are always saying I love you to eachother, in a friendly way, and apparently are really cute with how we are with one another, but its possible he is just a nice guy. I dont even know what my question really is, I am just confused with the scenario and want to figure out how to handle matters so that I don’t let my jealousy and emotion ruin what we have, if thats possible?
And more generally, how do most guys show interest in a girl??
A: First of all, thanks for the email, now let’s get to it!
Your situation sounds like it sucks. You like some guy, he’s unique and different, but he lives far away AND he’s not really into you any more then “just friends.”
The real problem here isn’t with him, it’s with you.
And not because you’re stupid, but because you’re being silly. You seem to be quite rational and well spoken.
But you’re making a huge mistaken assumption. And I don’t blame you, I blame Hollywood, and the church, and mom and dad.
You see it’s easy for me to say, “He’s not worth the effort because he lives far away and isn’t really that interested in you. So let him go and find someone more available instead of wasting your time like a desperate girl.” (I’m not trying to sound harsh.)
I can say that because I have no emotional investment in this situation.
I can be “logical” without it affecting my emotional body.
But, the reason you can’t see reason is BECAUSE of your emotional body. It’s messing you up. You’re like a fat kid who can’t say no to cake because you “think” it’ll feel soooo good to eat it. Except instead of cake you’re looking at a possible relationship with some unique character, that’s got a whole lot of drama already built in (he lives far away, and he’s jealous of your guy friends, and he’s kinda not interested, but he IS interested, and wouldn’t it be cool if you fell in love, etc, etc, etc)
I don’t know you so I can’t really say what your motives are, but I’ve dated many women and I’ve learned one amazing thing about them: they’re all motivated to FEEL.
If I want to seduce a girl it doesn’t matter how I look, or how smooth I talk. The only thing that matters is how much I can make her FEEL. If I can surprise her, make her laugh, make her sad, make her serious, then mad, then she’ll be hooked on me! It’s all about making her FEEL something. That’s how I stand out from the other guys, cause lord knows I’m not much to look at.
So what can you learn from this?
Perhaps you’re not seeing things rationally because you’ve misinterpreted your feelings.
Perhaps you met a guy who was cute, and who was fun, but who was so VERY different that he stood out in your mind. Perhaps this guy is unpredictable and different so he makes you feel “nervous”, and “uncertain.” And these feelings make you think about him simply because that’s how our minds work. It’s like he’s a puzzle and you’re forced to think about him until he’s solved.
Except your logical mind is making a leap that says, “I’m feeling nervous and I’m thinking about him a lot… perhaps this means I have romantic feelings for him! Yes I must!” and once that happens you’re flooded with thoughts of fancy, drama, and possibilities. This leads you on an adventure that will only be disappointing; single and far from him.
Instead you SHOULD have concluded that he’s a nice guy but who’s not available, and therefore a huge waste of your time and energy.
Think about how much more you could get accomplished if you were focused on a dude who’s local, who’s single, and who’s actually interested in you…
I likely haven’t answered any of your questions, so sorry about that.
I’ll just finish with this: jealous is an irrational emotion that shouldn’t be encouraged or worried about. Even couples who are meant to be together will sometimes feel jealousy. Jealousy is your body’s way of saying, “Hey, you have a boundary that I’ve set up and you’re breaking that boundary.”
Except in your situation you don’t have boundaries because you’re not an exclusive couple. So therefore these feelings are irrational, immature, and juvenile. As you age you’ll have less and less jealousy because you’ll become more confident and honest with yourself. The best thing to do is to let go of those feelings, don’t’ waste time thinking about them (and yes, you CAN decide what to think about when you try) and focus on YOU for a while.
Focus on finding your passions.
Spending time with your happiest of best friends, and appreciating how lucky you are to be you.
Love yourself while taking a break from the boys, and you’ll come back stronger and wiser.
Now let him go, and meet someone NEW worth getting to know.
Today’s top thumbnail is from this photographer.