QUESTION

Male Age: 15

Umm.. Hi. So. I’m Shane. I’m from Ireland. Good to met ya’.

I met a girl in March on G. Amy. From the Netherlands. Beautiful sweet and kind etc… we dated for months. She cheated. I forgave her.

As it turns out this wasn’t the “pressured to send a tit pic” she said at first but the guy got a collection of nudes. Then three months later she cheated.

I forgave her. He was 21 and she was 12. she told me she didn’t love me and we became friends with benefits. This didn’t work out because she kept baiting me with love etc… then she got angry at her home life, blamed me and blocked me.

I tried EVERYTHING to get her back. I even threatened to send people her nudes. She came back, realised I couldnt after a few days then left forever. This was the start of July. I fell into a deep depression that I’m still in. I don’t want to live in this world. I got another girlfriend, this one in America. I like her but I’d still go back to Amy, and disgustingly still message her, to at least talk to me.

I’m suicidal and convinced I’m worthless. Amy has a screwed up life at home. I wanted to help make her happy. And I’m the villain? I’m unable to talk to girls in real life. I have aspergers. I’m a nerd and not very attractive, and there’s nobody to meet here anyway.

RESPONSE FROM ROBBY

Our level of happiness doesn’t come from what happens to us, it comes from how we react to what happens to us.

Because you’re depressed you’re not going to hear any advice I have to give, so save this advice for when you’re already feeling better. Because you’re like a drunk who’s trying to drive… you shouldn’t.

You’re depressed, you shouldn’t be making life decisions or even thinking about things that matter. How you FEEL will blind you from the truth of your situation.

But I’ll give my advice anyways…

Feelings aren’t facts.

How you feel isn’t reality.

Feelings come from the emotional lizard brain we have… it’s emotional and instinctual. It’s not logical or even appropriate most of the time. It’s just reactionary. Someone rejects us, or we think we’ve been rejected, and in reaction we feel terrible. It’s perfectly healthy and normal!

Since I’m not in your scenario it’s super easy for me to say this… her cheating on you is the best thing she could have done.

Why?

Because it exposes who she is at her core… selfish and insecure and an asshole.

The real problem is that you seem to think so poorly about yourself that you think you deserve to be with someone who’s an asshole to you.

So she’s being honest.. she’s saying “I’m a cheater” and you’re saying “I forgive you , it’s okay” which is also you saying “I deserve to be with an asshole because I’m a loser” … and so why would she want to be with a guy who’s willing to date an asshole?

She’s not.

So the core issue is you, and how you see yourself.

Because we would never let someone treat us worst than we already are willing to treat ourselves.

If you want a new wonderful girlfriend you must first seek help with the depression (doctor, therapy, conversation with friends, loving self talk) and THEN you can start to rebuild how you see yourself.

Your relationship with YOU is what determines what women you’ll attract into your life. That’s the foundations of self esteem and confidence… not what others think of you… but what YOU think of you.

You know you’re a sweet guy with a huge heart you just need to remind yourself of that. Focus on your strengths, your inner pride, and your life skills. Build yourself. Focus on yourself. And stop chasing girls as a way of having self esteem.

It’s called becoming a man because of how you domestic yourself… not because of what women are in your life.

I hope this helps,
~ Robby

FOLLOW UP COMMENT:

I see where your coming from… I don’t know how to get help though. I talked to my parents but I couldn’t admit it was because of a girl 900km away and I couldn’t admit I feel suicidal… so they just chalked it up to sadness and we all just kinda ignored it. I don’t have anybody to talk to about it but my online friends… my life hasn’t had any meaning before her. And I finally found a meaning and it HATES me. I have nothing to offer a girl but weirdness and a limited emotional range. I’m willing to forgive her because it makes me feel like the better person. But I hate being the better person for some reason. I want to pretend she’s still the girl I loved. But she’s not.

RESPONSE FROM ROBBY

Rejection feels the worst. Loving someone without that love being returned is the worst.

Or is it?

We tend to make comparisons in order to feel better or feel worse. You’re probably comparing your life to those few moments with her that were awesome, and because those moments were great HIGHS you’ll see everything else as low.

But put yourself in the shoes of a 13 year girl living in India who was gang raped by her cousins, and will be murdered by her father if she goes to him for help. What do you think her HIGHS are? Probably a lot lower than yours.

What I’m saying is this…

Allow yourself to feel shitty. It’s healthy. It’s okay! It’s not a symptom that you’re a terrible person or that life isn’t worth living. It just means you have a big heart and that you’re incredibly sensitive to life. Those are great human qualities. Embrace and own them!

And if you need support, seek it from those who give it: Doctors. Therapists. Councillors.

COMMENT:

But I’ve felt shitty for so long…

RESPONSE:

Feelings aren’t facts.

Feeling shitty doesn’t mean you’re shitty. It’s probably one of two things…

1) Biological imbalance. Something to do with brain chemistry. Often fixed by replacing serotonin levels, or some garbage. Things like love, danger, risk… those will naturally boost serotonin levels which will make you suddenly feel amazing. So it’s easy to think some girl is the answer to your feelings. But most likely seeking proper medical help might resolve this.

Just know that finding a medical solution takes patience and time, everyone has different biology and it might take testing a few types of supplements/drugs to find something that normalizes you.

2) What you think you’ll feel.

If you think everything is shitty, your body will respond and prove you right. And if you think every is awesome (like being in love) then your body will respond and prove you right.

Read “When Panic Attacks” by Dr Burns. His solutions to depression are amazing!

~ Robby