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QUESTION:

Is having a lot of arguments in a relationship bad?

If you and your boyfriend or girlfriend have a lot of arguments in the relationship does that mean its gonna end soon or will it get better beacuse I seriously don’t like to argue and fight a lot with my boyfriend. When we first got together it was OK the first few months but now its just … ugh.

Do you have advice for me to deal with these types of situations?

 

ANSWER

It’s not the arguments that break a relationship, it’s how they’re fought and resolved.

I think it’s healthy to expressyour opinions when you disagree, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

But pay attention to HOW you argue… do either of you insult each other in order to FEEL right?

*whisper voice* Red Flag.

 

 

Do either of you try to WIN over the other person?

*whisper voice* Red Flag.

 

 

If the intent is less about learning the truth and more about being RIGHT then you’re in trouble.

The insecure/immature person will need to feel RIGHT in order to feel good about themselves, which leads to them having to fight everyone who has an alternative opinion… this creates pain and suffering in a relationship.

I’ve always thought that the more secure you felt in your own ideas the less upset you get with other peoples opinions… because ultimately you’re confident and mature enough to accept that other people see the world differently than you. But this is a mindset that takes time and patience to develop.

If you find you argue a lot try to follow some simple rules…

1) Don’t make it personal.

This usually includes name calling, throwing things, or other types of insults. The immature mind will quickly grab at what ever is most emotionally painful in order to hurt the other person… don’t do it you son of a bitch.

Listen… it’s OKAY if the rest of the world doesn’t agree with you. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong… it just means everyone’s different, so relax.

And stop yourself from trying to get mean when you’re feeling attacked. Most often you’re not being attacked, you’re just being sensitive because you’re insecure about being right or wrong.

Basically don’t be a dink.

2) Be a good listener.

It’s so EASY to yell. Its so EASY to talk over the other guy/girl. But easy doesn’t make loving relationships, it makes divorces and cheating girlfriend/boyfriends.

So shut your pie hole and open your ear slits.

By the way, listening doesn’t automatically imply defeat or acceptance. It simply shows something super powerful… empathy and patience. Empathy and patience are the glue that keeps couples together. When you stop caring about what your partner is thinking and feeling you’ve done fucked up, son.

Also… when someone (your partner) truely feels HEARD… something magical happens. They relax. They have no more reason to fight. And once they relax and feel heard they instantly want to reciprocate by giving you a little time to talk. That’s when you’re finally free to ALSO explain your point of view.

And you can’t always count on your partner to be the bigger person, so do it yourself… STOP and listen.

 

3) Be honest and open.

Don’t argue over something you already know isn’t true. That’s you trying to end the relationship.

And be willing to be wrong… you don’t know EVERYTHING. Many times what you think you know is really just your perspective… and having more than one perspective makes you powerful and healthy.

So don’t make shit up just to FEEL right. Be honest, even if it means you’re ultimately “wrong.”

And so I think it’s pretty healthy to disagree. Sharing your ideas and thoughts is healthy. Insulting your partner in order to be right is not.

 

4) Don’t escalate.

The can be no “fight” if you’re not willing to. Nobody will start yelling at you if you’re not yelling back. And if they do? Walk away, dump their ass, and find someone more compassionate and worthy of your efforts!

Obviously it’s easy for our emotions to climb… so don’t let them. Be the master of your domain. Don’t let your emotions dictate the health of your relationship! Be mature and caring and stop yourself from bringing the discussion to a boil.

Save your enthusiasm and spunk for the bedroom, if you know what I mean…

 

5) Let shit go.

Don’t hold on to past arguments like it’s ammunition for the next battle.

THAT’S what kills relationships.

It’s that type of petty crap that makes your partner start to hate you. When they realize you’re privately seething over some past trauma they’ll start avoiding you for fear of what you’ll do or say.

If you’re holding open past wounds you’re only hurting yourself.

This means you MUST resolve each issue as it arrises, even if you end up dissagreeing. It’s like keeping an open cut bleeding so that you can use it the next time you get upset. This is just the ego demanding to be RIGHT some more.

Let it go. Talk it out. Explain yourself fully until you feel heard, and they feel heard.

THEN, in your head and your heart, bury that shit. Put it in the graveyard of your mind so that it doesn’t keep coming back to haunt you. Forgive yourself, forgive them, what ever it takes.

This is the very definition of Make Up Sex… use that tension and transform it into sexual energy!

 

6) Lead by example.

But ultimately you’re responsible for you… not for your partner.

Do your best to be open and honest while respecting them enough to hear them out.

Being the best YOU doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be the best them… so be aware of how YOU’RE being treated and never allow them to create a pattern where you always end up being hurt.

*whisper voice* Red Flag.

 

I suggest that you pay attention to HOW you argue, and try your best to listen and share, not fight to be right.

It’s like playing tennis… are you playing against each other, or are you playing together on the same side of the court?

~ Robby