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Question:

Is my jealously getting in the way?

I have been with this girl for now a little over 4 months. She is the one, I am completely convinced. I have full trust in her and she has full trust in me.

But there’s one problem.

Last week she made the comment that every time she mentions a guy, or one of her “guy friends” I have something negative to say about him. Which is true, at first I didn’t wand to admit it but I have to. And the textbook, dictionary definition for this is unfortunately jealously….I don’t get it though…

I know she’s not going to hurt me, and I’m not even worried that the guys she talks about are going to “make a move” on her. I’m mad at myself more than anything…She really hasn’t said anything other than you just have to trust me (which I do) but the feeling is still there. And now, she’s taking a dance class so now I have the new aggravation of the thought of other guys grabbing her waist and what not…..please help me 🙁

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Jealousy makes you look douchie.
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Answer:

First realize something about emotions… they are NOT rational. It’s not a bad idea to re-enforce your reasons for trusting her, and your reasons to NOT be jealous. But realize that your emotions aren’t necessarily going to be affected by your logic.

Listen, I’m a fat guy.

I love chocolate cake.

When I see chocolate cake I FEEL hungry for it. I crave it. The more I think about the cake the more my body responds with emotions.

I can’t rationalize away the hunger, it just is. That’s how all of our feelings work.

But I can change the behaviors I have that lead me to craving the cake, just like you can change your behaviors that lead you to feeling jealous.

HOW?

1) Stop your initial reactions from being expressed. If she tells you some guy flirted with her it’s YOUR job to not react, even if it’s burning you up inside. It’s your reaction to your jealousy that’s going to make all the difference.

When you react in some negative way you’re encouraging your emotional reactions to continue, and you’re encouraging your girlfriend to no longer trust sharing with you.

It’s about having composure.

Don’t get mad, just DANCE!

2) Take some time to acknowledge you’re having these emotional responses, without encouraging them. Don’t apologize for them. Just notice when they’re show up in your life. It’s this awareness that helps guys like us bring about change. Stay composed.

Composure brings trust, self assurance, and even pride.

3) Don’t mull over your negative feelings even though you’ll want to. There’s a HUGE difference between feeling jealous, and knowingly having negative thoughts that encourage those same emotions. This is just mental masterbation that prolongs the experience.

And there’s nothing as addictive as emotions.

This is why we often feel GOOD when we’re being jealous. It’s a surge of emotions and adrenaline. But logically we need to recognize when these are childish fantasies that only lessen our power as men.

This is why I must knowingly avoid thoughts of bad foods like cake. I realize this will only make my cravings worse.

And when I catch myself doing it I don’t get upset, I don’t fret, I don’t feel embarrassed, I don’t get mad.

I simply laugh with myself and I let it go. That’s it.

Composure.

Don’t beat yourself up about it, initial jealousy is completely natural – no matter how much you love and trust your partner. Just don’t reinforce these emotions by reacting. Have composure!

I’d recommend reading more about the concept of “attachment” and how it can rule us. The Dalai Lama writes about this a lot actually! It’s your attachment to her that creates the emotions of jealousy. Strange and true.

I hope this helps you regain your control…

~ Robby

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