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Question:

My girlfriend just left me and I don’t know why!

I’m having a very difficult time with this break-up. My girlfriend of 10 months out of the blue says she doesn’t think she is in love with me anymore. Just days before, she was affectionate and telling me she loved me. 30 days b4 that, she sent me a text saying that she saw an elderly couple holding hands & just knew that that’s what we would be like when we get that age together. I asked her if she met another guy, but she said no (that would have been closure for me at least).

She is on anti-depressants, and is on a lot of pressure right now. She has the bar exam coming up.

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Also, just before all this happened, she had a job lined up that didn’t pan out (she’s down to her last $1000 for rent) , her cat had peed on the nice new furniture that we got, her verbally abusive ex husband started harassing her again, and all her friends were teasing her that I was going to propose to her at Christmas, which I was, but didn’t tell anyone.I was also supposed to move in with her to help pay for half of her rent.

I really don’t know what happened or what caused her to say that. She always said how much she loved me and how lucky she was to have me in her life. We were both lucky to have each other! She is 36 & I’m 47 but I look and act more like 30.

She always said that I have too much energy. So it’s not the age thing.

We got along great together, and rarely fought. I knew from the 1st moment I met her that she was the one for me. I have never been married, but she has beendivorced for over 2 years. She has been on the anti-depressants since her divorce. I have never seen any change in her mood till she failed her bar exam back in Nov. No matter what I tried to say to help her feel better, I couldn’t help her. Now that she says it’s over, I’m having an extremely difficult time.

I feel like I not only have lost my girlfriend, but also my best friend, and future wife! My heart aches for her more and more every second of every day that we are apart. I’m just hoping that she will clear her mind after she writes the 3 day bar exam , and realizes she has made a terrible mistake breaking up our relationship. This was also a long distance relationship where I did the majority of the flying out of choice.We were so close to being together after 10 months of commuting. I just hope it was a combination of all the stress that she has been under. I’m hoping and praying that she will come back to me. I am not going to call her, but I am going to send her a nice card just before her 3 day exam saying good luck to her and I know she can pass this exam cause she has worked so hard for it. I am just so heartbroken right now.

I am at the lowest point of my life, ever!

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Answer:

The pain doesn’t matter. Like a cut on your arm doesn’t matter. Its how you react to these life challenges that matters most.

Just like your physical body you have an emotional body. It’s like your creamy soft vulnerable center. And this part of you is most exposed when you’re in love with someone. So when she leaves you it feels like a very real piece of yourself is injured.

Here’s what I recommend you try to help the healing …

1) Perhaps bring your guard back up with women (The male version of a Bitch Shield?) … but only temporarily. Don’t rush out to meet someone new until you can lower this guard, otherwise you’ll have intimacy issues.

This is just so that can protect your emotional body while it heals.

2) Just like a scab on your knee you MUST NOT PICK IT! Your pain will not heal if you’re sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. Allow yourself a little time of feeling pity for yourself, but then STOP IT.

This may seem difficult, but you must trust yourself to let it go when ever it comes up in your head. Like a path through the amazon forest, the more you track over and over a certain path in your mind the easier it is to walk back over it. Your incessant thinking about how hurt you are will only make it easier and easier to fall into a depression.

Stop that!

You must be the courageous man you’ve grown up to be, and force yourself to stop thinking about her when ever you catch yourself doing it.

3) Re-engage your closest friends. Not to have pity parties, but to reconnect with important people. Learn to be a good listener and find out what’s going on with everyone else. Bring your deepest and most sincere self to the table. This type of connecting with people you love will help you heal AND will help you realize how isolated you made yourself when you were smothering this ex girlfriend. Then learn to keep your social ties strong next time you’re in a serious relationship.

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4) Re-connect with your deepest passions. Sports? Hobbies? Woodworking? Work? The busier you make yourself, the less time you have to sulk. Reconnect with your religion if you have one.

When you find your deepest purpose you’re really connecting with yourself (the most important person in this equation.)

This is the best time of your life to remember how important you are to yourself. Build rapport with yourself. Build appreciation.

Losing a loved one sucks, but everyone goes through it. It’s time to put the focus back on you and your needs so that you can safely heal without too many battle scars.

Best of luck!

~ Robby

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