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Question:

(Female Age:18 to 24) Is there any hope for a female to be respected by a man who used her for sex basically? She never was the slutty type but just didn’t hold up standards before because she wasn’t taught to. If there is what could she do besides showing him she’s a woman with solid standards and morals now. Would that work?

As an update, I’m assuming he used me… it started out serious and he lost interest because I fell too hard for him and he continued to have sex with me after tellin me his interst waned…

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Answer:

I’ve got two responses…

1) Don’t get too tied up in the idea of “morals.” Especially when you’re letting someone else dictate them… like religion, or mass media, or mom and dad. These are just someone else’s rules. And if you didn’t make them, after much introspection, then don’t blindly accept them.

Many religious “morals” were developed hundreds of years ago in a time when rich men (who wanted their wives to stay monogamous) and rich women (who wanted poor women to stop giving up sex for money with their husbands) wanted to use social pressure to bully others. Words like “slut” and “whore” become negative terms and helped develop the idea that sex “is wrong.”

Question any negative beliefs you might have that make you feel immoral or wrong. Because not all rules benefit you.

I say this because I’ve grown up to learn that one-night-stands can be amazing, loving, and sincere without bringing pain or harm to those involved. It’s not always “using”. Sometimes it’s just “sharing intimacy for the short term gain of both people.”

2) I think what IS healthy is boundaries. The greater your boundaries the safer you’ll be. So not having sex on the first date can be a boundary that you’ve decided upon, although this seems… superficial. Perhaps a healthier boundary would be “not having sex until I feel I know and trust this man” instead of using an arbitrary number like “3 dates.”

It’s your boundaries that keep you safe, and what others will respect about you.

Without your boundaries others can use your energy for their own gains. And this can be a painful thing if you don’t agree to the energy loss. Obviously mothers lower their boundaries to help give life to their children. And we all lower our boundaries for those that we love and take care of. But if your boundaries are so low that anyone can get anything they want from you then you’ll end up exhausted and drained, and likely hurt.

Jaded women who have just come out of bad relationships tend to have big boundaries (they call this the bitch shield) in order to keep themselves safe from harm while they heal their wounds.

3) Finally… “respect.” I know you’re asking about how to recreate his respect, but I think your real question is “how can I attract him again.. I feel he no longer respects me.”

The truth is this… attraction isn’t a choice. It’s not about what he THINKS of you, it’s how he FEELS about you.

The only respect you need to worry about is your own. If you respect yourself, then who gives a sh*t if he does.

Men are attracted to women with healthy boundaries, who respect themselves, and who have a happiness about them. When you love yourself men can FEEL it! And it draws them in.

So don’t worry about him, worry about you.

Learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes and love yourself as much as possible! this sounds like fluffy, but it’s true.

When you respect yourself you never allow others to over-step your boundaries, simply because your first impulse is to keep those you love safe (in this case, yourself.) And if you were in a relationship with a dude who made it clear that he only wanted you for sex, and you wanted more, then you’d remove him from your life simply because you want something more then he can give you.

I hope this helps?

~ Robby

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Response:

Thanks a lot! I definitely agree with you for the most part. I agree that morals are mostly given but have to learned and developed yourself! I’ve learned that! Aside from that I think you answered my question assuring me that I’ve got the right idea. I have definitely grown recently and now have the self love and self respect I didn’t have before I lost him in the first place and the thing is now it’s OK if he doesn’t notice cause it’d b his lost. So thanks a lot for the confirmation & support.

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Answer:

You’re exactly right! Too often we chase people thinking we can “get” them, and that we’ll enjoy all of the emotions that flood us when we’re in love. But the reality is that it’s very unsatisfying to “get” someone who’s not as into us as we are into them. 🙂

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