.

QUESTION:

Hi,I’m not a native speaker so forgive me if I make any mistakes 🙂

Here’s my story:

Me and my ex where in a relationship for 5 months, we where crazy for each other and all was going very good.

super hot girlfriend
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It's easy to become obsessed with a girl, which is why our emotions over-ride our logic.

 

She has a busy life with school and still lives with her parents. We only spend the weekends together. Even though her parents live together, they are always fighting and don’t really love each other. Her mother has been ill a few years ago but recovered from cancer. She’s still not in a state to work or anything though. She also gets blackouts from time to time and has high blood pressure.

That sucks.

This and the busyness at school is very stressing for her. Anyways everything was okay until about a month before we broke up. I got kicked out of school and became a bit depressed about it.

Getting kicked out of school sucks, but your success in life has very little to do with your success at school.. and it has everything to do with how you pick yourself up and where you go from here. You’d be surprised how many millionaires skipped school to focus on their passions.

I LOVE that you’re able to recognize that you became a little depressed by it. Self awareness is the key to growth and maturity! I see too many guys who spend their lives feeling sorry for themselves and don’t realize how unaware they are of themselves. It’s called unconscious incompetence.

Introspection is how we learn, grow, and strengthen our character.

And I became clingy with her because of it.

Try not to “blame” external factors, like her actions, for your poor behaviors or your insecure actions. Take responsibility. Instead try saying, “I became clingy because I was scared to lose her.”

To the point where I started liking everything she liked etc. She got smothered by this and needed space.

Ha, dude, bad move. I’m glad you can see that. ;) This makes you come across as fake. That’s no good.

She asked me for space 7 weeks ago, she told me she loved me, and that it was because of her stress at home / school.

I hope you can see what she’s saying here… she’s already stressed about her life and the last thing she wants is to take care of a boyfriend who’s insecure and needy. What she needed was someone to lean on, not someone to take care of.

And she wanted this for our future. I messed up, I contacted her everyday that week to ask if she wanted to meet up to talk. I panicked basically. She couldn’t handle it and broke up with me a week after (6 weeks ago). Telling me she wants to stay friends. And a few days after I called her and she told me she doesn’t love me anymore.

Love is just a word. She’s basically trying to make you understand how much she was hating your behavior.

Up until last week, I had moodswings, sending her angry messages and apologizing again.

You’re an emotional guy. It happens! Don’t beat yourself up for it. But LEARN from it.

Something we’re never taught as children is that our EMOTIONS are not to be trusted. Our emotions come from our primitive brain (google Triune Brain) and has NOTHING to do with logic and EVERYTHING to do with irrationality and feelings. Obviously you’re feeling panicked because you’re losing your girl. Obviously your emotions will swing from anger to helplessness to fear to anxiety, etc. These emotions aren’t wrong.

BUT letting them dictate your actions IS wrong. It’s emotions and egos that lead to dudes hurting each other in bars, or couples hurting each other during a fight.

Being upset is okay, but acting out without thinking is NOT okay.

So hopefully you can learn from this experience. Hopefully you can learn that boys act out based on feelings and that MEN keep their composure.

The KEY to your continued growth and maturity as an attractive man is to ALWAYS have composure in the deepest of chaos in your life. Composure comes from a life time of practiced calmness and patience. Otherwise we push away everyone we love and we hurt others without realizing it.

You’re a man, not a spoiled child who can’t help himself, know what I mean? :)

This is a great learning experience heh?

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It's easy to scare a girl away when you're doing crazy things...


Last week She told me she didn’t love me because I got clingy and stuff… and I wasn’t a man of my word anymore because I promised her space but hadn’t done that so far. I also said that I don’t think I can be friends… she got angry at first and later she said: “you might think you won’t get over me, but you will. Please think about it a bit longer before you decide to cut me out of your life”. So I asked her to give us another chance after a while. She refused, saying I just don’t love you anymore and I don’t want to say that I might give it a chance in a while because I don’t want you to expect anything.

I think you see where she’s coming from. If you were her older brother watching her interact with some other dude who was acting like you were you’d likely tell her to avoid that guy… he’s unstable and lacks composure.

When she confirmed my feelings about why she broke up, I was relieved with finally knowing why. I’m moving on now and am happy again. I’m almost back to being the guy she was crazy about.

Awesome!

But I still want her back.

Not Awesome!

To be there for her, and make her happy.

Oh crap…

I just really love her. So I’m not looking for advise to get over her.

Of course you’re not. You’re like an alcoholic who’s asking how to get something to drink without thinking it’s a problem…

I’m looking for advise to let her fall in love with me again once I’m really happy again and have my life back on track.

You’re doing the right thing but your brain is still messed up.

You’re learning how to relax and how to be cool again. You’re learning that giving her space helps you BOTH. It helps her deal with her life, and it helps you have time to be with yourself. If you’re feeling depressed or needy then it’s YOUR job to fix it, not HER job.

It sounds like you were originally trying to use your relationship with her to be your life boat in your times of trouble. And sometimes relationships are good for that! We all need someone to lean on sometimes. BUT that’s what friends are for too… and it sounds like you were trying to lean on HER when she really needed to lean on YOU.

Let me ask you this… what are your relationships like with your other friends? Can you go to them when you’re feeling lonely? Can you turn to other friends when you’re feeling down?

I hope so.
If not then you need to invest more time making close friends. And how do you do that? Be that fun stable guy other people can lean on when they need to. Learn how to be a touch stone for your close friends. Helping them will make you feel a thousand times stronger than asking to lean on them, trust me.

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You need to put her safety and feelings before your own, especially if you really love her.

 

BACK TO THE GIRL…


Now.. you’re feeling better and you’re no longer trying to use her to make yourself feel better.. or ARE you? You’re still obsessing about her so it sounds like you haven’t truly healed.

1) Realize that it’s NOT your job to make her feel better. If she’s depressed about her mom or her home life, don’t sweat it. That’s HER baggage and stress. She won’t appreciate you trying to help her with that. So don’t.

Instead learn how to be a shoulder to lean on when she needs it. Learn how to be a good listener so that she can share her stress through story telling without fearing that you’ll try to “fix it all.”

Listen without needing to fix it. That’s what she REALLY wants and needs.

2) Realize that when you’re needy or depressed that’s YOUR responsibility, not hers. When you feel moody, give her space so that you have time to heal YOURSELF! If she wants to know how you’re doing she’ll ask.

3) The easiest way to get over a girl is to meet another one worth getting to know.

4) You can’t get her back until you learn to let her go, for real. Date someone else. Let her date someone else. Only THEN is there a good chance you can come back together as new stronger people.

 

I’m not sure how I can show her I’m happy and am date-able again. Without words, and also show her I’m still interested so she isn’t afraid to talk to me about the relationship again.

I’d appreciate your advise 🙂

thx,

J.

How can she see you’re dateable again until she’s seen you BE dateable. Date someone else. And be open and honest with them. Don’t fake it. Until you’re BEING a new healthy guy she’ll never trust being with you again.

So take some time away from her and enjoy it. Learn that she’s a great woman who deserves to be happy and deserves to be with someone she WANTS to be with. Perhaps that’ll be you someday, or perhaps not.

It’s same with you.. you DESERVE to be happy and with someone who WANTS to be with you too.

So spend time alone healing yourself, then get out there and meet more women! She’ll SEE the different you once you’re actually different.

~ Robby


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