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QUESTION:

Should I tell my boyfriend about my past feelings for an old friend of mine?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about one year and 5 months, and we were friends for an entire year before that. We share a very deep love, and our relationship is, though maybe I’m too naive to say this, one I believe could last a lifetime. We have excellent communication and I believe he’s told me all his deepest secrets, as he makes this known to me. I do too, but there is one I’ve kept from him out of guilt, and because I wonder if it is unnecessary for him to know. I think it might just bug him, and I don’t want to do that unnecessarily. But it preys on my mind, and I wonder if I should be honest with him.

The summer before my boyfriend and I dated, we lost touch. Around this time, I was getting over him (I had a crush on him while we were friends), and started finding myself interested in an old friend from high school. Thing is, I told this friend of my feelings. However, he was dating another girl (and still is), and nothing happened, and nothing came of it. We are still good friends, and try to see each other a few times a year despite the long distance between us.

I don’t think I have feelings for this friend anymore, though I think about him from time to time. It’s difficult to completely forget about somebody when you once had strong feelings for them. I believe, however, that now these feelings manifest as one has for a dear old friend, who has a special place in their heart. They don’t compare to the feelings I have for my boyfriend. For my boyfriend, I have a very deep love and it feels unwavering. I feel dishonest. I feel shameful about this. And I think I should finally tell him.

But like I said, I’m worried it will make him uncomfortable, especially when I go to visit this friend again eventually. My boyfriend is a very rational and very understanding young man. Though I feel like if he felt uncomfortable, which is possible, he would keep it inside and torture himself about it.

I don’t know what to do. Is it wrong to tell him? Because even if it is, it still feels wrong not telling him.

Things to say to your boyfriend
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Keep Calm – it’s all going to work it out.

 

ANSWER:

 

Feelings aren’t facts.

I’m not sure why this is something I see with women more than men… perhaps it’s your feminine nature to empower feelings with more value than they deserve, or maybe you’re seeing the world in a wonderful way that I can’t see… either way your feelings don’t matter.

Well… obviously how you feel matters to YOU.

But the quality of your life, and your relationships, does not depend upon your deepest introspection of every feeling that whiffs across your nose or eyes or ears or heart.

Your relationship with your new man doesn’t depend upon him knowing you completely. I don’t care what hollywood has told you or what your spiritual leader has already explained.

A man doesn’t need to know you completely, and all your dirty secrets, to love you completely. Nor does he care to put himself in your shoes in order to KNOW every other man you’ve had feelings for.

There is NO reason to mention your feelings towards other men, from your past, or in the elevator you took to work yesterday.

The only time you might consider confession such feelings is when he asks explicitly or when you’ve taken action out side the relationship and he needs to know before moving forward. And even then it’s best he doesn’t know.

There is nothing shameful in feeling attraction towards other men, even when you’re happily married. It’s even okay to harmlessly flirt from time to time with close friends. Our feelings aren’t a choice and therefore not subject to such judgements. It’s our intent that matters. 

You did nothing wrong and you need to learn how to love yourself without such judgements, and without the need to burden your boyfriend with such endless minutia.

I hope this helps you feel more free to relax and enjoy your feelings instead of feeling guilty about them. It’s okay to be attracted to the positive energy of our friends, that’s not a knock on those we hold most intimate.

Hugs? 🙂

~ Robby

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