What causes couples to fall out of love? I was married once so let me punch you in your belief system with my thoughts on the matter…
Is it possible for someone to just fall out of love with someone for no reason after time???
Are there reason why people fall out of love?
Hey Jonathan! Your questions are deeper than any quick email I could likely think up. Plus I usually only chat about initial dating, not long term relationships… but I was married once so perhaps I’ve learned something about love…
What The F*ck Is Love?
Falling into “love”, or out of “love”, isn’t a real thing. It’s a subjective thing. We use the word “love” like it’s something we all measure and experience the same way, but obviously that’s not true.
What you think “love” means will not be the same thing that I think “love” means because the very word it’s self isn’t quite a real thing.
It’s subjective. It’s personal.
If I point at a dog and say, “that’s a dog,” it’s not likely someone is going to disagree with me. A “dog” isn’t an subjective thing, it’s a specific thing.
But “love” isn’t the same thing.
“Love” is just a word we’ve invented to express feelings and emotions and desires and passions and the insanity of our actions when we do stupid things.
“Oh, he ran into that burning building to save his kids because he loves them.”
But the reality is that it doesn’t take love to run into a burning building… it takes a little bit of insanity. It takes a man who’s willing to ignore the logic that he’s going to hurt himself simply because his emotions dictate that the pain of losing his kids would actually feel worse than 3rd degree burns to his body.
His expected emotional pain supersedes his expected physical pain. He doesn’t “think” he just “reacts.” It’s pure emotions.
Love isn’t logical. It’s emotional. And like I always say, don’t trust your emotions.
Talking about “love” is like talking about heat. It’s subjective.
Does heat feel good?
When you’re cold and shivering heat feels AWESOME.
But when you’re sweating and exhausted and you have a fever, then heat feels AWFUL!
Love is the same. When you’re “in love” we tend to say we feel great, and when we fall “out of love” we tend to feel sad or lonely or disconnected.
It’s all subjective.
Lovers Seeks Connection.
I think “falling in love” is basically when two people feel deep rapport mixed with some sexual chemistry or attraction.
Rapport: A close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.
Attraction: The action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something.
Rapport happens between people who share common beliefs and ideas, or who are willing to deeply listen to the beliefs and ideas of each other. There are VERY few things in this world as comforting as being truly heard.
We all desire it.
And it all starts when we’re little kids trying to get the attention of our parents or friends.
This is why being a good listener is a powerful dating skill… when a woman truly feels like you’re feeling the same things she is then she’ll feel deep comfort and connection with you. And if she returns the favor by actively listening to you talk and share then you’ll feel the same way.
It feels awesome.
Rapport makes us feel safe and comfortable, and connected.
Attraction is a feeling of tension between two people, except instead of labling that tension as negative we sometimes lable it as attraction. Feeling nervous is like this… we can lable it negatively or we can just say, “oh, I’m excited!”
If tension is about mystery then rapport is about knowing everything. These two aspects of dating seem in conflict, but they work together to make couples “fall in love.”
Without attraction (tension, mystery, etc) then rapport leads to friendships, not sexual partnerships.
Attraction comes from the teasing, flirting, and playfulness. When we were little and we liked a girl, what did we do? We teased her in order to get her attention. We pulled her hair. But we NEVER let any other guys try to hurt her. It’s a strange game of push and pull.
I think that the term “falling out of love” is used to describe a lack of connection, passion, and attraction. And, of course, since love is subjective, every single person will have their own requirements for connection and attraction.
And so really your question is “what causes couples to lose connection or attraction?” to which I might say, “the loss of attraction or connection with each other.”
Connection (rapport), to me, is about wanting to share intimacy with someone else… and usually in a “romantic relationship” that intimacy includes sex.
I think a common mistake we men make is that we think sex IS the connection and the intimacy, which leads to us wanting to share our stories and experiences. When we have sex we feel connected, and when we feel connected we want to share more.
And I suspect women are the opposite… they think that sharing their stories and experiences IS the connection, which leads their desire for sexual intimacy.
See the conflict?
He wants sexual intimacy to feel safe enough for more emotional intimacy, but she wants more emotional intimacy to feel safe enough for more physical intimacy.
He says, “She never wants to have sex” which makes him feel disconnected and makes him want to share less with her.
She says, “He never talks to me and never shares his day with me any more” which makes her feel disconnected and makes her want to have less sex.
We’re a funny bunch.
But we can ALSO lose our attraction for each other. And since attraction is really just tension, this is EASY to lose. It’s hard to keep the tension in a relationship where you know EVERYTHING about each other. There’s no more surprises.
For one thing long term relationships tend to lead to TOO much comfort. He starts farting around her, and she starts walking around the house naked while brushing her teeth. The comfort is fine, but without tension and mystery there can be no room for attraction.
I think that when couples stop teasing each other and playing games and flirting, they’ve gotten TOO comfortable.
How often do we see couples gain weight in a relationship? They both stop working out and they both start eating in. They spend time together and they create long term comfort and rapport, but they completely forget about attraction and tension.
1) Learn how to be a good listener. Invite her to connect with you emotionally outside of the bedroom first. It’s YOUR job to listen to her troubles… not because she wants you to solve them – just to be available for her to share them with you. We all just want to be heard sometimes, so let her truly feel heard when she’s talking to you. Develop intimacy outside of the bedroom.
2) If you feel you’re losing connection and rapport don’t panic. Don’t become needy and desperate, because that’s called “whining” and women hate that. Simply be sincere and honest and thoughtful and hopeful. When in doubt, hear her out.
3) Take responsibility for yourself. It’s YOUR job to stay healthy, wealthy and wise. This means you need to always be trying to eat better, stay physically active, and mentally challenged. Keeping yourself healthy will help keep her attracted to you automatically. We’re all attracted to other people who do well, look good, and are fun to be around. Don’t lose your hunger to make yourself a better man. If you’re not busy living then you’re busy dying.
4) Surprise her more often. Not with gifts, although once in a blue moon is good, but by being unpredictable. Comedy is about being unpredictable. Text her a photo of you in pink boxer shorts that you took in a change room mirror while at the mall over lunch. She’ll laugh and be confused at the same time. Don’t be predictable, be surprising. Women LOVE to be surprised, even by the smallest of things. Buy her something small and cute (panties?) and have it wrapped. Put it in her underwear drawer and let her find it by surprise. Take her on a surprise dinner date after work. Do random fun things. Stay random.
5) Flirt. Let her know how hot she still is, then tease her about how blonde she sometimes acts, but how much you love that about her. Push her away by teasing her then pull her back in with a compliment. If she isn’t laughing and slapping your arm because you’re a jerk, then you’re not doing it enough. Not too much, just enough. You love her, but you still need to tease her like you have a crush on her.
6) Resentment kills relationships. If she’s doing something that you can’t forgive her for, then address it. Then let it go. Every time she accidently hurts you (maybe during a fight) it’s YOUR job to be honest about how it hurts you when she does that, but then it’s ALSO your job to let it go. Forgive and forget. When you hold on to past hurts you’re only killing your relationship. You can either be right, or you can be in love. Don’t fight her trying to be right.
And help her to feel the same way… she should ALWAYS feel comfortable being able to complain to you about what you’re doing that she dislikes because if she doesn’t vent, she’ll resent.
And then it’s over.
Hope this helps!
Today’s Top Thumbnail is thanks to this photographer.