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Hey listen… your girlfriend is a fickle creature. If you don’t provide for her this Christmas then someone else will. So skip the annoying lineups and order her ANY of these Christmas Gift Ideas online and in the comfort of your torn/stained underwear.

What do I know about gifts, you might ask? Because I’m a God Damn expert, son.

For example, for my Tight Tortilla, I made an advent calendar this year. You know that $6 chocolate calendar you can get from Walmart that has 24 chocolates for the 24 days before Christmas?

Well fudge that sheet.

I made her a small gift bag for each day before Christmas.

 
Gift ideas for women
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Why? Because we’ve been together for 5 years and I haven’t proposed yet, okay?

Get off my back about it!!

 

Organic Tea Flowering Gift Set
gifts-ideas-01
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WHY?

  • It’s Orgasmic Organic.
  • She puts it in her mouth. BOOM!
  • It’s the number 1 seller on Amazon in the Tea Gift section.
  • It’s flowers man… FLOWERS that she DRINKS! Fucking genius.

 

Peter Lik Art And Photos
WHY?

  • The Photos continue to increase in value each year.
  • They are beautiful.
  • They are very expensive, so she’ll be impressed?

 

Laser Cut Jewelry Via Online Artists
Jewelry
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WHY?

  • Homemade Art that she can wear makes you a seem just a little more handsome.
  • It’s most likely to be something she’s NEVER seen before. Boom! You’re her hero!
  • It’ll give you more reasons to stare at her chest (boobies.)

Just Google Laser Cut Jewelry online to see what’s available.

This artist seems amazing.

 

Homemade Photo Calendar
WHY?

  • It forces any other guys in her life to see photos of you by her desk/bed/locker all year long.
  • It reminds her of the fun you both shared last year.How often does she forget those few amazing times ya’ll had?
  • You can pat yourself on the back for making a personalized gift while keeping cash in your wallet (it’s cheap.)

I suggest using iPhoto, Shutterfly, Londondrugs, or even Costco.

Calendar
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Girl Porn – 50 Shades Of Grey Box Set
gift-ideas
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WHY?

  • Yes your girlfriend fantasizes about sexual submission, even if you’re too lazy to test her boundaries.
  • Within the first book the hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page.

Or try any of this EROTICA.

 

JACEK Chocolate Couture
WHY?

  • It’s chocolate made from Magic and baby panda tears.
  • JACEK Chocolate Couture is proud to only source chocolate from the best chocolate makers around the world who are committed to empowering cacao farmers to improve their incomes, who are active in supporting industry programs that aim at eradicating abusive child labor, and who have ecological sustainability in mind.
  • One word: Truffles!
chocolate
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Isla Bonita ( Fancy Bikinis )
WHY?

  • Famous people wear them on TV – like Sarah Hyland from Modern Family.
  • If she’s got the body for this sort of thing… then she should share it with my eyeballs.
  • They’ll make her ass look EPIC.
Lindor Chocolate Truffles, 5 Flavors (50 Count)
WHY?

  • There’s 50! So basically you could eat 15 before you wrap it and she wouldn’t even notice.
  • Women’s Magazine says that chocolate improves her sex life.
  • Do you even know what a Truffle is? If you did you wouldn’t be asking why… just order two for yourself and dump the fatty.
gifts-ideas-02
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What did I miss? Let me know below!

~ Robby

 

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