Q: There is a girl I love so much but now she has started cheating on me.
She always says that if I can’t cope with her new life then we should break up. She has offended me on many occassions but I forgave her each time.
I privide her with everything that she demands and we’ve talked with our pastor, family and friends.
I need your advice because she hasn’t changed her character.
WILL THIS GIRL CHANGE AND HOW I CAN HER CHANGE?!
A: We teach people how to treat us.
If your behaviors communicate that it’s okay for her to treat you poorly, then she has no reason to change.
By willingly sticking around after she’s cheated you’ve taught her that your time, energy, and good faith are not valuable. If you’re willing to accept poor behavior from someone you love, then it tells me you have weak boundaries.
Its not about telling her your boundaries and “hoping” she’ll stick with them, it’s about SHOWING her. Keep your deep composure no matter how much it hurts, and simply walk away from her. (This is after she’s proven to never change her ways.)
Women turn to their men for security and feelings of safety. This is sometimes why they will challenge or “test” us by being bratty or seemingly unreasonable. This is their way of “testing” to see if we’re man enough to defend ourselves and our beliefs, or if we’re weak and pathetic.
She wants you to have healthy boundaries and will constantly be testing those boundaries. Some women (and men) truly feel more LOVED when they’re put in their place for being ‘bad.’ If you’re too ‘nice’ and you let her walk all over you, she will have NO reason to respect you – and that’s exactly what she deeply wants to do – respect you.
It’s not your job to father her into a respectable girl, it’s only your job to be honest with her – but more importantly honest with yourself.
Your problem is that you’ve “rationalized” reasons for staying with her, even though deep down you know she’s never going to change. Do one of these “reasons” look familiar to you?
a) Perhaps a part of you thinks you deserve the abuse.
b) Perhaps you’re too fearful of being alone and experiencing the world as a single MAN.
c) Perhaps you believe you’ll never find anyone better.
d) Perhaps you think ‘love’ is enough to fix all problems.
e) Perhaps you think you’ve invested too much to just quit.
These are all self delusion and it’s time to face them.
Ask yourself these three questions:
1) Is it possible that I could find happiness with someone who treats me better, and has more character?
2) Would I feel more proud of myself if I stopped letting her make a fool out of me by calmly walking away from her?
3) How can she ever respect me if I keep accepting her bad behavior?
“If you must play, decide on three things at the start; the rules of the gfame, the stakes, and the quitting time.” ~ Chinese Proverb
Here’s a Quote from my favorite Genius Tim Ferriss:
“Just because something has been a lot of work or consumed a lot of time doesn’t make it productive or worthwhile.
Just because you are embarrassed to admit that you’re still living the consequences of a bad decision made years ago shouldn’t stop† you from making good decisions now. Don’t let pride stop you.”
My advice? Time to move on, but learn from this experience.
It’s not about changing her – it’s about having the self-love and self-preservation to change yourself and to build healthy loving boundaries while expecting those you allow into your life to respect them.
Take care and good luck!
Today’s top photo is thanks to this photographer.