QUESTION

Okay so back in late Sept. we started dating after talking for about a month or so. She said her and her boyfriend have had issues (back before we started dating) and they weren’t doing so well, so I jokingly (not jokingly) said I’d date her (I found her really attractive from the get go) and she said okay. A few days later she said she broke up with him and a short time after that we started dating. We told each other we loved each other and hung out a bit and everything was good.

Around late November she said we needed to take a break, and I didn’t know why other than what she told me (therapist said she needed some time to herself, she needed a car, etc.) and so I didn’t want to break up but understood I can’t force her into something she doesn’t want. I looked on her Instagram and saw that her and her other boyfriend were still dating, which tore me apart. I talked to her about it and she said she was still with him but was hurt by him, so she wasn’t thinking and starting dating me essentially and that she loved us both.

We worked things out and we’re back together a few days later, I told her she can take as much time as she needs to decide who to date and whatever. We hang out, text, and Skype regularly and still do love each other, but she also loves him and I don’t know what to do.

We connect on everything, have all the same dislikes and likes basically. Whenever we’re together we both feel great and like nothing’s wrong.

I don’t want to break up with her at all, though many people have told me to before, but I don’t know if I should push her to make a decision or if that will push her away from me?

I mean she’s said I make her really happy and everything but her and her other boyfriend have the same ‘rough’ upbringing and have been through a lot, which is why they’re still together. I don’t know what I should do or not do. I probably could have my thoughts together better but there’s bit a bit going. Any response is appreciated!

ANSWER

Your situation totally sucks! And mostly it’s not really your fault. You liked her, she started dating you, that’s all pretty typical normal stuff.

Here’s a hard lesson you might not be ready to appreciate, but some day you will…

Her lying and cheating and dating the other dude isn’t the problem, although it sounds horrible… and it IS horrible.

The problem is with you.

SHE’S LYING AND CHEATING

That fact that you’re willing to accept such poor behaviour just because you love her, that’s the REAL problem.

She’s basically a poison (like draino) and she’s told you she’s lying and cheating and you’re like: “but she’s chocolate cake… and I like eating chocolate cake… so I’m going to just pretend she’s not poison and I’m going to keep eating this cake because that’s how I FEEL.”

What I’m saying is this… you’ve basically taught her that she can treat you like shit because you don’t care enough about yourself, and you don’t have any kind of back bone, so as long as she chooses to be with you it’s okay that she’s a total dick. And that’s horrible.

You’re not making yourself a priority in this situation because you’re completely overwhelmed with your feelings. You’re letting your emotions dictate your actions, instead of having perspective like a man.

A “man” steps back from this situation, gains some perspective, and says, “is how I was treated okay? Do I ignore these obvious red flags just to be with this chick? If she’s like this at the most intense start of a loving relationship what’s she going to be like a year down the road when our emotions of subsided and she’s bored or we have a fight?”

Let me ask you this… if you had an amazing little sister and she was dating some boy who lied to her and was secretly dating some other girl, and she caught him… would you suggest she just keep chasing him in hopes that he becomes a good guy? Or would you demand that you sister deserves better?

You’re letting you FEELINGS dictate your actions, and that’s not wisdom. Wisdom is using your HEAD and your GUT. The heart can’t be trusted because it’s illogical.

If you “ask” this girl to choose, you’re still telling her “please be my mom and make choices for me, I’ll just go with what you want…”

You’re going to end up feeling more like a victim, and your self esteem will erode.

If it was me I wouldn’t waste any time with ultimatums. Think about it… if you have to convince her to choose you then what does that say about how she feels about you? You’re already her second choice, you’re just pretending you’re not. Don’t settle for second place because even if you start dating exclusively it’s only a matter of time until someone better comes along and she drops you.

There are billions of girls in the world, literally.

Don’t settle.

~ Robby