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Self Advice
  • https://www.facebook.com/FullOfHateAndReadyToDate
  • https://twitter.com/robertbelland
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Dear Robert,

I’m you, from the future.

That’s fucked up right?

I know.

Most people might assume I’m joking, but I know that you’ll be just curious enough to hear me out.

How do I know?

Because I’m you… from the future, remember?

Yup, I’m you except 20 years older, 50 pounds fatter, and MUCH much wiser.

I’ve magically sent you this letter from the future for a reason… I want you to learn from my dating mistakes.

I want you to have some dating success while you’re still young enough to make the most of it!

And, well, I’ve always wondered how my life would be different if I “just got it” before going through a divorce and entering my 30’s confused. And by “got it” I’m implying a deeper appreciation of women and the complexities of dating dynamics.

Will you still grow up into a dude who’s fascinated by women and dating and sex and relationships if you don’t live a life full of the same painful memories I have?

I don’t know but I’m willing to take that chance. So pay attention, I have very little time to type this up…

 

Dating Advice To Myself

1) Relax.

How old are you now Robby?

13?

I’m guessing you’re still freaking out about your last girlfriend… the one who was trying to have sex with you at her all-girl party?

Well let me just say this… relax.

You’re gonna get laid eventually so don’t rush yourself. Just be proud that you walked away without being too molested. 😉

 

Take the next few years to learn how to meditate. Not only will it improve your mood, your sleeping patterns, and your ability to think, puzzle solve, and focus… it’ll also improve your self esteem, your ability to stay composed in the face of excitement (or emberassment) AND girls will not rock your emotional centre so easily.

Instead you’ll be as cool as a cucumber… and girls love cucumbers.

 

2) Stop seeking approval.

I know it seems like all of the popular girls know exactly what they want and how to get it. I know it seems like they are all ignoring you despite your best efforts.

But they’re not.

They’re just distracted by the intense insecurities they have about themselves.
EVERYONE IS!

While you’re sitting at home feeling too skinny (dude, I haven’t felt too skinny since I was your age… what I would give to feel too skinny again… ) you need to relax and realize that these same girls are endlessly reading makeup and gossip magazines desperately trying to get everyone elses’s approval.

That super cute girl in class?

She goes home and worries about being too skinny, or too tall, or too fat, or too zitty, or too hairy, or too short, or too ugly, or too loud, or too smart… etc.

All she wants is for everyone to like her.

I know it doesn’t seem this way. I know it seems like she doesn’t care at all… but she does.

I KNOW she does.

I mean, just ask any girl in your class what she worries most about… you’ll discover that she’s hoping for some other person’s approval (her parents, or best friend, her teacher, that cute guy in class, etc.)

The trick at seeming super confident (which is every guy’s goal who’s trying to get the girl) is to STOP seeking everyone else’s approval.

I didn’t realize until later in life (and I still struggle with this) that what other people think of you doesn’t matter.

Read that again.

It doesn’t MATTER what other people think of you.

The only person you’re accountable to, ultimately, is yourself.

When you sleep at night the only person who can judge you in a real sense is yourself.

So simply do what YOU think is best (it’s okay to ask others for advice but make all your decisions yourself) because when you make mistakes it’s your fault… and when you make great acheivements it’s also your fault.

Take responsibility for yourself and stop seeking the approval of others.

Others don’t matter when it comes to YOUR life… so make your own decisions.

Besides, every time you seek some girls approval you’ll come accross as weak, limp, and gross.

Don’t be gross.

And don’t seek her approval.

Let her seek YOUR approval.

What you’ll discover is that everyone, once you stop seeking their approval, will start seeking yours.

It’s amazing.

Other kids will try to goof off you by teasing you about your acne, or your skinny arms… but the moment they realize you don’t care is the same moment they lose all their power.

You see, when you react and get upset from the “words” of some bafoon it tells them that you’re weak and easy to manipulate. It give them power and attention.

And everyone wants attention.

So instead of arguing with these idiots, ignore them, or at the very most simply agree. It’s hard for someone else to argue with you when you agree with them.

For example, that tall hockey player in class who’s trying to impress his girlfriend by calling your hair style too girly?

Just agree.

Try something like, “I know right!? My hair is soooo girl. Dude, you’re so right! You’re a genius. I was just wearing it this silly way because I go home at night worried about what you think of me. I promise I’ll cut it so that tomorrow you’ll like me. Cause really, my goal is for you to like my hair cut.”

Being sarcastic is another great tool by the way.

Another easy response? “Ya, totally, right? Ya, you’re right. You’re totally right.

Let’s try it.

Random Asshole: “Hey Rob, try lifting some weights.. your arms are like twigs!”

You: “Ya, totally, right? Ya, you’re right. You’re totally right.” or “What ever dude. My arms are awesome.”

My point? Don’t be that guy who’s always trying to get people to like him. You’re better than that.

 

 

3) Don’t take things personally.

You’re skinny, ugly, and no body likes you.

But don’t take it personally.

Easier said then done right?

Well it’s a powerful practice what will free you from endless suffering, so take this seriously.

I remember growing up and being constantly told how to think and feel. This is how older people control you…. by convincing you to always seek their approval and to take everything they say to heart.

But the truth is that they aren’t living in your shoes… they don’t know what it’s like to live your life. So be willing to hear the advice from others, but make your own decisions.

And realize that everything that everyone else says about you, or to you, has nothing to do with you really… it’s always got something to do with them.

That dude who’s picking on you in class?

It’s got nothing to do with you… he’s the outcome of 13 years growing up with an asshole father and older brothers who beat him up. He’s lashing out at you because he’s trying to find a way to feel better about himself.

It’s got nothing to do with you… besides, he doesn’t even know you, how can he be any kind of judge regarding you or your actions.

Try this on for size… ignore all compliments anyone gives you.

WHAT?

Yes.

Because if you allow the compliments of others to effect how you see yourself then you’re also going to be willing to accept their insults as well.

Ultimately your goal should be to ignore all judgements other people put towards you.

This is because you want the only judge in your life to be you… all other judgements can be ignored, or at the very most seen as critical feedback.

If everyone hates you then this is good feedback.

It means you’re doing something that’s making them uncomfortable… it’s a good time to evaluate what you’re doing.

This doesn’t mean they’re right, it just means they’re giving you feedback.

When that super hot Red Head in class laughs at the love letter you wrote her and shares it with her friends, that’s the perfect time to practice this idea… don’t take it personally.

It’s got nothing to do with you.

She’s not REALLY trying to hurt you or emberass you. She’s simply unsure how to react. All she knows is that she shares everything with her friends and therefore HAS to share your love note with them.

The lesson here?

Don’t waste time on love letters unless you’re already dating.

Instead flirt and have fun, and stay away from trying to “logic” her into liking you.

Did your best friend call you stupid and unlikable?

Doesn’t matter.

He doesn’t REALLY know you… he can’t really know your true thoughts and feelings, therefore everything he says about you doesn’t matter because he doesn’t have the backbround or authority to make those judgements.

He’s just saying mean things because he’s emberassed, or mad, or sad.

Everyone else does everything they do because of them, not you.

 

4) Stop Judging Yourself.

Now that you’re realizing the judgements of others is all bullshit it’s time to realize one other thing… your own judgements are bullshit.

Every time you get mad at yourself you’re hurting yourself, and that’s not what makes a boy a man.

A man comes from maturity and love, not anger and hatred and self judgement.

There’s real science to this next statement… all of those voices in your head that are helping or hurting you come from your mom, grandma, teachers and preachers.

Those people who were most in our lives growing up and teaching us to talk are the voices we now have in our heads.

This is because we’re bascially little computers programmed by our parents.

And it takes many years to learn this.

That voice that says, “Hey, don’t do that! That’s wrong!” isn’t you… it’s the repetition of your mom from your youth.

We all have this problem.

We all have early programming in our heads that we think is US, but it’s not.

It’s something we agreed to because we didn’t have the personal power to challenge the thoughts and ideas of our parents. We didn’t have the problem solving skills. So they teach us as best as they can, but then we forget.

We forget that most of these ideas aren’t our own, they’re the ideas of our church, or school, or peers.

Therefore you can’t always trust your own thoughts… until you’ve taken the time to LEARN which thoughts are truely your own, and which thoughts are just the opinions of your parents.

Learn how to challenge your own thoughts, especacially painful or negative thoughts.

Do you have thoughts that make you sad or emberassed or mad?

Those are the thoughts you need to challenge.

Does it REALLY matter if you’re skinny, or you didn’t get that higher grade, or that Sally doesn’t like you?

Does it?

Or are you just thinking up stuff to give yourself a reason to feel sorry for yourself?

Is your ego so weak and pathetic that you need to always be right? Maybe it’s actually okay to be wrong. Maybe that’s how we grow up… by being wrong a lot. Maybe that’s not bad, or emberassing… maybe that’s growing and learning and becoming awesome.

That type of negative self judgement isn’t what will make you into a strong happy man, it’ll only weaken and depress you.

Everyone has these challenges, so don’t fret.

Nobody teaches us how to grow up thinking positive happy thoughts – instead we’re taught to feel guilty about everything and to fear everything.

This is wrong.

Nothing I’ve ever really feared has brought me happiness or confidence.

Have some awareness of your own thoughts… there’s a lot of judging going on in there so don’t let it.

It’s okay to fail sometimes.

It’s okay to say the wrong thing from time to time.

It’s okay to masturbate!

All the weird negative stuff you gathered into your head from listening to others… make sure it really DOES make sense before you keep it.

Just like you used to believe in Santa Clause?

You did so because you didn’t question things enough.

So ignore others and only ask questions that help you, not hinder you.

 

5) Keep Doing What You Love.

Your passions for art, and playing with friends, and keeping fit, are all things that make others want to be around you. It’s your personal passions that people find interesting, so keep that up.

It’s what makes you so interesting.

And interesting is what get’s the girl. It’s what brings joy into your day.

This all goes back to approval seeking… there’s too many teenagers doing what their parents tell them to do….

Some guys are becoming doctors because dad said so.

Some girls are becoming models because they desperately want people to like them.

But happiness comes from within, not from the approval of others.

So do what you like and ignore if others like it or not.

Trust me, it’s this type of thinking that makes leaders… leaders are people who go where they want, and others follow.

 

 

6) Be Social.

People are fascinating.

They’ve lived lives you haven’t.

They make decisions you might not.

And they have motivations you might not understand.

And the only way to learn that is by being open, honest, sincere, and friendly with everyone you meet.

The key to making friends with strangers is to be a good listener while being curious about them… not busy trying to talk about yourself.

Allowing people to talk about themselves helps others open up to you when they won’t open up to others, and that’s powerful.

And the less you judge them the more they’ll love you for it.
(Plus, we judge ourselves the way we judge others… so stop yourself from calling one guy fat, or another girl ugly… these are useless judgements that will hurt your inner peace and calm.)

So listen, don’t judge, and be curious.

This will draw people to you.

If you have stories you MUST share, then save it for close friends. Don’t burden each new stranger with your despearate need to share your stories. That’s needy and approval seeking. People hate that.

Instead just be a good listener. And be curious.

The number 1 skill you should develop is your social skills.

Learning how to make small talk with people will introduce you to some really beautiful girls.

While every other guy gets nervous around hot girls you’ll be calm and normal.

Why?

Because you’re not seeking her approval, you’re just being normal and fun.

And the fastest way to become socialized like this is through social interactions. So learn to make small talk with everyone you meet… while shopping, while at school, while walking or biking, etc.

Just learn how to be social and friendly.

You don’t have to wow people. You don’t have to be super interesting. You just have to be able to make small talk.

From there you’ll learn how to share funny jokes you’ve seen or heard.

And from there you’ll always have something funny to say to any hot girls you meet.

Like that girl at 7-11 you were afriad to talk to.

Or that girl in the bikini who walked over to say hi but you sheepishly said nothing.

It takes time and it takes patience, but the pay off is rediculously powerful.

Being good with people is the greatest skill you can ever learn.

 

 

7) Have compassion.

This is my final thoughts…. all of my above suggestions are all leading to this one idea.

Life should be fun and not too serious.

Realize that every one has their own trials and struggles. And all they want is for others to like them and give them approval.

So as you’re learning to grow and mature and take care of yourself you will find that you’re also strong enough to help lift others up as well.

Don’t just dismiss people because they’re less cool, or because they’re angry and jaded.

Instead realize they have faults they don’t see and sometimes other people just need someone who’s willing to lend an ear. Maybe you can lend that ear.

Sometimes people are hurting and they just need to be heard to feel better.

So while you’re making yourself have fun, and while you’re learning to appreciate yourself, realize that sometimes it feels good to help others too.

Be compassionate and caring and it’ll invite other passionate and caring people into your life.

Care for yourself, and then start to care for others.

It’ll pay off, I swear.

 

See you soon,

~ Robby

 

 

 

P.S. Perhaps I’ll send you a follow up that’s a little deeper and with a few more specifics… but until then just do your breast. 😉

  • https://www.facebook.com/FullOfHateAndReadyToDate
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