Post Pic

What if CONFIDENCE is a Scam?

Did you know that “darkness” isn �t real? You see, it’s just a word we’ve made up to describe the absence of light. Here’s the real challenge: what if “confidence” isn’t real either?

Let s say you re in a room with absolutely no light . it’s pitch dark. How much light would it take to destroy the perfect dark?

Any amount of light would immediately change the entire appearance of a dark room.

Even one single match would bring about HUGE change to a room. You can t bring more darkness into a room to bring it back to its perfect dark state. Your only option is to remove the distraction of the light.

What does this have to do with confidence?

This is what REAL confidence looks this!

Well what if confidence isn t real?

What if confidence is simply our description for a lack of insecurities? Remove your insecurities, your worries, and your limiting beliefs and all you re left with is a pure natural state of calm confidence.

There is an Buddhist concept that describes the mind as a mirror. They believed that this mirror reflected everything around us, but over time dust would accumulate on the mirror which would distort what was reflected. This is why many of them thought it important to always be polishing the mirror as an attempt to keep their minds free of vexing thoughts or negative beliefs.

I m even going to go one step further: I’ve come to believe that we re born innately confident. Not some “level” of confident, just simply confident; free of shame, ego, and fear.

As newborns we re naturally confident because we haven t yet learned pain, fear, negative consequences, or had time to become socially domesticated with insecurities. I believe that at our CORE we re all perfectly confident.

We don t grow up developing confidence. This is ridiculous. That s like saying we grow up learning to be alive or learning to grow hair. No!

I believe we re all intrinsically confident, shameless, and perfect.

But if we re innately born confident, then why do so many of us suffer from a “lack of confidence?”

My answer? We don t.

How can we lack something that’s not real?

None of us actually lack confidence. This is the fucked up thing. This is a misconception society has led us to believe. We all have the same level of confidence because there are NO LEVELS of it. We are ALL confident.

The problem isn t with our levels of confidence; our problems are with our levels of insecurities. We all have dust on our mirrors…. and a few foot prints too.

The problem with insecurities is that they tend to have such a loud voice in our physical and emotional bodies that they destroy the perfect darkness and calm of our natural state of confidence. If a perfectly dark room is destroyed by the blaze of one single match then our perfectly calm natural state of confidence can be destroyed by the blaze of one single insecurity.

If you think about our natural state of calm as being perfect confidence then you can imagine how much damage a single insecurity might bring. If you re in a nice quiet room enjoying the peace, and one guy comes in the room and starts talking it s going to be very difficult to not notice him. Even if your eyes are closed and he s only whispering he s likely to grab your attention.

Now fill your peace of mind room with a hundred voices of insecurities all talking at once, each one fighting for your attention. Imagine how difficult it would be to hear and use your inner calm and peace.

This leads me to think that it s a mistake to come to a conclusion that says I just need to develop my confidence because then you re basically agreeing to the idea that you have less confidence than you once did. You re basically buying into the idea that confidence is something you can have and in certain quantities. This allows you to believe you can lose your confidence, or be without it.

This just isn t quite real. Confidence isn t a muscle you can build, it s not something you re missing, and it s not something someone else can give you or take from you. You always have it, it s always there, and it s never going away. The real problem is that we re all full of insecurities that are preventing us from appreciating the power of our intrinsic state of calm and confidence.

I m telling you that we all already have a pure perfect confidence, but that we re not connecting with it because we re being distracted by our monkey minds.

Our job as men is to realize this truth while learning to remove the voices that are destroying our calm. Our goal isn t to build confidence, because we already have it. Our goal is to remove the negative disempowering voices that distract us, and regain the control of our attention despite these voices.

Remember the old saying You get more of what you focus on?

What you think about gains your attention. What gains your attention gains influence over you. It s time to be aware how we re allowing ourselves to influenced.

Remember when you bought your first car? I m hoping it was a Honda Accord. Then for the next month all you noticed on the streets were other Honda Accords? This isn t because everyone in your town is a slave to your preferences, it s because your mind was on your new car, and your attention was suddenly attuned to everything Honda Accord.

I just went through this same process because while writing my own book I ve grown a beard. I happen to hate the idea of wearing a beard, just like I hate mustaches. And so to keep myself on track, by writing more and more each night, I decided not to shave. This helped me to grow the most magnificent beard ever. I had two assumptions: the first was that women would avoid me because my beard was unkempt with nasty white hairs and secondly I thought I d stand out more because nobody wears beards except the homeless.

Two things have happened. The first thing I ve noticed is that I can still attract women using the same skills sets as when I didn t have the beard. I truly didn t expect this. My first night in the clubs with this ridiculous thing I ended up kissing two different girls (who are best friends.) The second thing was that all I see now are beards, on every other guy. Either this is a huge coincidence, or my attention has been drawn to beards simply because it s on my mind.

If our focus is upon having more confidence, which isn t real, then we re wasting time and energy on an impossible outcome.

Always express BOLD confidence!

Always express BOLD confidence!

Instead I m proposing these suggestions:

1) Stop resisting your insecurities (this empowers them), but don t identify with them either (doing so integrates them into your identity.)

2) Insecurities are like dirt on your mirror. If you’re filtering your reality through dirt then all you’re gonna see in life is dirt. Address the insecurity and remove it. This is polishing your mirror.

3) Identify with your intrinsic endless confidence, and appreciate it.

As soon as we stop trying to build our confidence or grow a pair maybe we can start to notice the calm quiet wisdom of our own minds that is often overshadowed by the dramatic screaming of our insecurities.

~Robby

please-leave-comment2

22 Responses

11.26.08

Masterful!

12.21.08

This is exactly what I needed to hear man.

01.21.09

brilliantly analysed !!!

02.01.09

Sheer insightful genius. Kinda thinking at it in reverse, resulting in the single best thing i have ever read on this topic. Thanks a million

06.27.09

dang good post and great website

02.01.10
07.11.10
07.11.10

Read. A lot! Anything that promotes self awareness, healing, and character building. And if you're still uncertain and confused then talk with a pro. They're good at what they do and they understand some good shit!

08.10.10

Being a Man is such a Burden, it is very hard work, but we all have to make sacrifices

08.10.10

Compared to the alternative I'd say we've got the easy end of the deal. ;)

08.11.10

is it because we don't have to endure periods, pregnancy and child-birth? is that why? or for other reasons?

08.11.10

Those are pretty decent reasons I'd not want to be a woman. Plus the dangers of rape, molested, or murdered because of jealousy. Or how about the horrible social judgements we have for women that men don't suffer from – being old, fat, slutty, bitchy, fridged, easy, or whorish. Not too men worry about being seen as slutty. All I know is that women are more vulnerable to physical and emotional traumas that I'll never encounter just because I'm a guy.

08.12.10

My friend, who is also a guy, and I couldn't agree with him more, he says "Love just comes to Women, us Men have to fight tooth and nail for it"

08.12.10

This is a childish way of looking at love.

You're seeing the world as a place that OWES you something. You're upset that ALL women don't just give you what you want. You're being selfish and needy. This is why you can't see other options.

Options where relationships are built upon mutual attraction, respect, and giving.

Stop thinking of women as creatures who give you pleasure and assurance, and start thinking of them as people who deserve to be with whom ever they wish.

The real reason you're having trouble finding love is that you're not yet worthy. Find a way to fullfill your own inner neediness and emptiness. Fill yourself up. Once full you'll discover women will find you a thousand times more attractive.

09.02.10

so really, being a man, male, males have life easier than women do?

09.03.10

Life isn't about trying to label your life in comparison to others. Some people of great lives, some don't. Some people have legs and some don't.

Some guys act like they're victims and they complain that everyone else has life so easy (you?)

Some guys realize that life is what you make of it.

Guess which of these types of guys sleep happy and which ones sleep angry and jaded?

Stop comparing yourself to the world and start making it what you want it to be.

09.04.10

Easier said than done, but you are right, I've noticed that for the most part in life, Men judge Women based on their looks and physical appearence just as in the same way Women judge Men based on their attitude, mindset, mentality, way of thinking, the way they carry themselves, their occupation, status or social status, resources(not just money, but their place in society, their social connections, the type of friends they have, what type of life they have or live), social skills, talking skills, etc.

01.10.12

So, women inherently "deserve" to be with whomever they wish, but we males are not "worthy" until we've jumped through 1000 hoops?

01.13.12

Obviously you're either trolling my website or you didn't read the article.

01.15.12

Hi Robby, I found your website a little while ago and am loving it. I read the Four Agreements, am reading The Way Of The Superior Man, and plan on buying your book a little further on when I am ready. Any other books/activities you recommend to "fill myself up"? (Which, by the way, is a concept I finally understand, and definitely agree with)

01.15.12

That's fantastic!

I also loved most anything by Anthony Robbins … he get's into fundamentals of how we humans interpret the world. Pretty deep and interesting stuff.

Like this one: http://www.amazon.com/Awaken-Giant-Within-Immedia

Eckhart Tolle is awesome: http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-E

And, of course, anything by David DeAngelo: http://www.amazon.com/Being-Man-Naturally-Attract

04.29.12

i must say this is probably the best thing i have ever read on that topic

Leave Your Response

* Name, Email, Comment are Required