It’s April, the sun is shining and the snow is finally melting (and squishing all the beautiful sod I had bought last fall.. boooooo) and I’m finally getting some decent Vitamin D back into my life.
Life is good.
Which reminds me of my youth… my younger years of chasing ass, doing pushups and watching Van Damme movies – where I would eat a carton of ice creme and drink a 3 litre bottle of regular Pepsi in hopes of finally gaining some weight. And yes, there used to be 3 litre bottles! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJwlijrSsCw
Man those were some good, stress-free years!
Too bad I didn’t know what I was doing and spent most of my time single. Or maybe that’s a good thing? I mean, if I had more success with women at a young age perhaps I wouldn’t have had all the free time for introspection and self-reflection?
Today I want to celebrate women for being so… unique. And when I say “unique” I really mean “lunatics.” Or perhaps I mean “mysterious and magical”?
All I know is that women have their own sense of “logic” that eludes obvious understanding and so seems deserving of my notice.
Here are ten things women do that makes them “fun.”
1) Duck Face
It’s the I’m-so-insecure-that-I-need-to-make-a-funny-face-as-a-way-of-mocking-how-secure-I-really-am face.
I hate it because I don’t understand it.
2) Texting Nudes
This one’s anti-intuitive because as a man you would think I’m all for nude photos from chicks.
What I really want is to be teased, not eye raped.
Girls, please leave us something to our imagination. Plus, if you are willing to send us nudes we assume you’re willing to send anyone nudes. Therefore your pictures instantly hold zero value.
I guess guys don’t make sense either?
3) High Heels
Why?! Why do you want to be taller? Even tall girls like high heels which is super fucked up.
Shouldn’t women should be tiny and cute and normal, not elongated via robotics or stilts?
I don’t know… I guess shorter women are just easier to hug. I don’t really think there’s a problem with tall women, they can be exotic and strong. But faking height momentarily at the cost of comfort and injury doesn’t make sense.
Heels ruin your back and a man’s ability to look down your shirt.
4) Chasing Assholes
I realize this isn’t the sole domain of women… plenty of men chase bitches. But why, oh why, as the fairer (is that a word?) sex do you insist on chasing guys who have no intention of giving you the love and attention you deserve.
I can maybe blame your daddy, or even our schools for not teaching children about self esteem and boundaries?
Ladies! Please, oh please take responsibility for the men you date. Stop blaming everyone when it’s YOU that keeps choosing poorly.
5) Yoga Pants / Horse Saddle Purse
I might be the only man who has this complaint… possibly because I’m a pervert and have nothing else to obsess about.
Here’s what’s happening… hotties wear cute yoga pants. That’s a good. Then they walk around with the biggest bag they can carry, except they hold that back behind them in an effort to hide their ass.
I’ve seen this at the mall and walking down the street, and most likely it’s because they see my creepy eyes a mile away and prepare in advance.
And I must admit I had a very hard time finding an example online… most likely because nobody has every, in the history of the internet, wanted to take a photo of a girl in yoga pants who’s hiding her best assets behind her yoga bag.
I’m starting to realize I might be a complainer…
I realize the pay off for shopping might come from a feminine energy that wants to feel FULL or FILLED UP and that enjoys the ebbs and flows of picking and choosing beautiful things.
But still… I don’t get it.
I mean… why go to the mall if you don’t already know exactly what you need? Why waste the day trying on shoes you’re never going to buy or have no need for!? It’s lunacy!!
At least I’m smart enough to use a woman’s need for shopping as a first date option. Who said I’m not classy?
7) Emotional Overreactions
I can appreciate that women really are more in touch with their feelings, which makes them magically empathic and beautiful.
But far too many women seem to think it’s “cute” being ignorant and overly emotional.
If you’re in your teens and your emotions overwhelm you? Then I get it and you get a pass.
If you’re a spoiled brat who get’s a pass by every guy you meat (misspelled? Nope.) simply because too many guys are also immature and ruled by their hormones… then you need to stop that shit.
For example: Snooki or Bieber.
8) Fake Eyebrows
Seriously? I just… I just can’t.
This is sometimes called the “friend zone” except it’s an entirely one-sided relationship. He runs around desperately trying to make you happy… you tease him just enough that he sticks around AND you rationalize the whole thing so that you can sleep at night.
If he wants to sleep with you and you KNOW it? Then at least have enough respect to talk about it with him… that way he knows FOR SURE where he stands. Otherwise you’re just using the poor bastard.
Don’t be that girl who keeps 20 guy friends because you “get along with them so well.” I know dudes are fun to hang out with… I’m a dude. And I know dudes will likely give you a ridiculous amount of attention because they’re trying to get inside you. But that just makes you gross.
10) Critical Of Other Women
Listen… I LOVE being critical of other people. I just love it. It gives me a false sense of security and power by focusing on the weaknesses of others.
But I simply can’t compete with the strange catty behaviours of “some” women – especially at work.
Just watch any show that has tonnes of women on screen at the same time (Side Note: the one reality show that DOESN’T actually have this is Honey Boo Boo, if you can believe it! For some reason those people really love each other, which is kinda nice!)
TV examples: House Wives Of Wherever, The Bachelor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, Survivor, The View, etc.
I don’t know… maybe I should relax a little and just get over myself?