How does a guy not appear desperate when he really is? I know desperation turns girls off, but I honestly feel desperate for a girlfriend. I’m just being honest.
I refuse to act desperate around girls, but I have extreme social anxiety–when I say extreme, I mean extreme. I’m very shy. So I know if I interact with a girl, my desperation will shine through anyway.
Obviously, I need to work on myself. I know it will take time to get a girlfriend.
But in the meantime, how do I deal with the desperation, the sexual frustration, the deprivation of human touch, and the “coldness” I feel from not having a girl to be close to? –THIS is the question.
Great question! And it’s obvious that you’re on the right track… you have a decent amount of self awareness AND you’re seeking growth and advice. Most guys in your position choose to hide and avoid the challenges of growing up.
My best 5 suggestions (do them all at the same time):
1) Do your research. Learning the basics about social dynamics will help bring your mind comfort simply because you’ll feel a little more educated. I highly recommend these books “How to make friends and influence people”, “The Four Agreements – By Don Ruiz”, “The Game – Neil Strauss” and finally “Being a Superior Man – David Deida” … and of course my own book “Ignore And Score.”
These books will expand your brain, and will introduce you to some amazing new mindsets about being shy, about dating, and about social calibration.
2) Pay attention to the voice of your ego and do your best to both ignore it and argue with it. Being “needy” comes partially from your ego’s need to be stroked, encouraged, and inflated. It’s the ego that is trying to protect it’s self from the possible challenges and opposite opinions of others… which is what makes you shy.
Being shy is about not wanting others to “realize” you’re stupid, or boring, or awkward, or embarrassing, etc. The ego worries about the opinions of others, which is complete lunacy. The opinions of others has zero bases on reality.
The world doesn’t really know you and so can’t truly judge you in any kind of real way.
3) Your neediness comes from within, not from without. Realize that you’re feeling “needy” because of the way you treat yourself, in your own head, NOT because the world of women isn’t giving you something you think you need.
If you’re really lonely then just connect with your closest friends. You don’t need a girlfriend to have human contact.
The real problems are happening inside of your own head. The way you talk to yourself. The way you judge yourself. The way you approve of disapprove of your own life.
The world has tricked you into thinking everyone else matters and that you can’t get what you’re looking for from yourself. This is a fallacy.
Being needy is about “needing” from others. But if you learn how to forgive yourself, then love yourself, you’ll realize that nobody else can REALLY give you the approval you’re seeking. The opinions from mom and dad, and girlfriend and coach, don’t matter. They don’t REALLY know you. Only YOU can give yourself real and deep approval and love. So learn how quickly.
Being needy drains anyone around you, especially your girlfriend, which is why everyone avoids such people. Learn to relax and talk to yourself in a loving and giving way until you’re FULL. Only once you’re full will you be able to bring something useful to a relationship, instead of trying to TAKE from it.
4) Learn to make small talk with everyone you meet, while shopping, drinking coffee or even having dinner. It’s these tiny conversations that help you realize that people are fun to talk to, not scary monsters. Over days, weeks, and years of doing this, you’ll become super comfortable with anyone, even super models. This is my secret.
5) Women love men who are assertive and who escalate, even if they’re nervous. Be more assertive and you’ll love it! And so will she.
Confidence comes from experience and until you allow yourself to face the rejection of a “no” from a beautiful women your body will never feel comfortable asking. Once you survive such an embarrassment, and once you realize that a “no” isn’t an emberassment, you’ll start to relax. You’ll even do what I did: you’ll discover a fountain of pride on the other side of such an expereince. The more “no”s you can find the more “yes’s” you’ll also find.
I really do think that 90% of success with women doesn’t come from a book, or from good looks, or from super powers. It comes from being assertive (asking her out for example, and suggesting where to eat) and from escalating (waiting around for her to make a move doesn’t work).