I’m so tired of being a failure with dating. I want an attractive vibe, but instead I feel like I’m repulsive. I just want to skip the struggle, failure, and heartache and go to the end. I have had enough shitty relationships to last multiple lifetimes.
There’s so many attractive women, I don’t know what I need to do to keep the attention of one.
What’s worse is I realize I can’t use sex to keep their attention, which is what I did before. When does dating become easy? When do women stop saying “you’re going to make some girl happy one day”, and start wanting to become that girl for me?
When will women stop flaking out on a text message I send and actually say what’s wrong with me (I can’t fix it unless I know what’s wrong).
When will being a good guy matter? And what is an attractive vibe?
I understand not every girl is going to like me, but it’d be nice to find some that do.
Feelings Aren’t Facts
I named this blog “Full Of Hate” because I felt all of the same frustrations as you… I felt confused when women said one thing but did another, I felt rejected when girls wouldn’t flirt back, and I felt frustrated when all of my efforts were completely ignored.
And so I love your question because I’ve survived this type of pain and came out the other side happy and suck-sex-full.
If you know what I mean.
But sitting here I’m torn. I can’t just say, “It’s going to be okay” even though that’s true. And I can’t just say, “It’s not women that’s the problem… it’s you.” because you’ll likely get defensive long before you read what I have to say.
It’s times like this that I wish I had parental instincts, or a background in teaching, because I’m not sure there’s an approach that’s going to help you.
How can I share some “logic” with you if you’re feeling “emotional?” Emotions don’t care about logic after all.
I guess all I can do is share some things I’ve learned about dating and hope for the breast best.
Separating Feelings From Labels
Back in the 60’s and 70’s a couple of know-it-alls (Schachter, S. & Singer, J. (1962). Cognitive, social, and physiological determinants of emotional state. Psychological Review, 69, 379–399.) came up with a theory called Two-Factor Theory. Not a great name. But the concept was cool – they pointed out that our emotional states tend to have two parts: physiological arousal and a cognitive label.
Basically when we experience an emotion there is a certain state of mental and physical arousal followed by our brains giving that feeling a label. For example, you see a snake and your body might start pumping you full of adrenaline (arousal) and then your logical brain might call that feeling “fear” (label.)
Here’s what’s important about this idea… the arousal isn’t necessarily bad, it’s the label we give that arousal that matters.
I can give you an example: Back in 2001 I was fat and trying to lose weight so I started playing around with ephedrine. It’s like caffeine except it affects your nervous system. In any case my body did not respond well and I spent one evening staring at the ceiling with a hammering heart and a lack of sleep. That traumatic night turned into 8 months of nightly panic attacks. My body became aroused with tension and I labeled it as fear.
And through out the day, if I got even a little nervous from having caffeine in my diet, it would trigger my brain to label that feeling as fear and tension and I would sweat worrying about having a panic attack.
My doctor gave me tranquillizer pills as a way to help rewire my body’s nervous system but those pills never helped.
Eventually I was smart enough to ask to speak with a psychologist who, in one session, taught me all about panic attacks and the healing powers of meditation and self hypnosis.
I’ve never had a panic attack since. That doctor taught me how to consciously guide my nervous system into calmness and happiness.
But here’s my point – today I still get the shakes from drinking too much coffee but I now label that tension and arousal as “excited” instead of as “nervous.”
The physical FEELING is exactly the same, but because I’ve mentally labeled it differently I can now change the flow of that FEELING. Instead of making my feelings “wrong” or “negative” I allow them to “just be.”
Instead of fighting how I feel, which raises my body’s tension and nervousness, I can allow it exist and eventually pass.
Our emotions aren’t right or wrong until we label them.
Why is that when we’re drunk we suddenly think average women are super hot?
Because we have Beer Goggles that trick us.
Except really what’s happening is that we’re feeling relaxed and happy and therefore we’re labelling everything else as good – giving that fat-ass blonde way more credit than we normally would.
And when we’re depressed we tend to label everything as bad – and we rant about how unfair women are, and how dating should be SO MUCH EASIER!
Lesson? Don’t be a slave to your feelings and don’t blindly accept your automatic labels for them.
Your Inner Vibration
Your only responsibility is you. If you’re not feeding yourself, cleaning yourself, and helping yourself grow, then you’re not taking care of yourself. And if your’e waiting for someone else to do it then you’re going to always be disappointed.
And a part of taking care of yourself is self improvement, growth, and self love. It’s your job to treat yourself with love and respect and patience… almost like you would a small child. It’s this kind of care that will build your self esteem and value. Because if instead you beat yourself when you make mistakes, or when the world doesn’t give you want you want, then you’re really hurting yourself.
The secret to attracting women, or anyone, into your life is to have an attractive life. And your life can either have a foundation of self love and care, or it can be a big pile of insults and hate.
This may sound metaphorical, but I’m being serious. If you treat yourself poorly, and you don’t take the time to learn and grow, then it’s going to be really obvious to everyone you meet. This is because we all carry our struggles on our shoulders… it’s visible in our posture, and our faces.
Women are especially good at picking up on this kind of thing… let’s call it our “vibe.” If we are healthy in our heart and our heads it will shine through our faces and the way we talk. We will laugh a little more than others, we will smile a little more, and there will be a sly twinkle in our eyes… and women have an inmate magical ability to see and FEEL this vibe.
But the opposite is also true… if we hate ourselves, or we treat ourselves poorly, then that ALSO influences our vibe. We vibrate differently… with a negative energy. We seem more on edge. We act slightly more defensively. And we don’t even know it!
And so the secret to finding love is to build ourselves upon an inner foundation of self love.
Does that sound super fluffy or metaphoric? Kinda I guess.
But the reality is this… who’s going to attract quality women? The guy who has hopefully, happy and loving inner dialogue in his own head, or the guy who beats himself up, constantly reminds himself of his past mistakes, and feels frustrated with the world?
You Get What You Give
If you want a woman of quality, in her heart and her body, then you must reflect that back to her from within yourself. Your inner vibration must be one built on love and happiness and hope.
And right now your entire email has a vibration of doubt and anger and frustration. And worse it smells of desperation and neediness.
I don’t know you but all I can smell is a guy who wants to take… a guy who wants something for himself. And it’s selfishness that pushes others away, like a homeless man begging for change. We naturally want to avoid that feeling or vibe.
It’s okay to feel frustrated and it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, especially when you’re trying to recover from a break up or some trauma.
It’s in our selfishness that we can become isolated, and it’s through that isolation that we can keep our hearts safe from further harm while we heal.
But this isolation can turn harmful if you let it go on for too long, and the selfishness can become corrupt if it’s left to linger.
So if you’re hurt, take a few days and recover. Take the time you need to recoup and rebuild.
Take the time to heal.
And then leave behind the selfishness and the hurt and the pain and regroup with close loved ones, friends and family. Because the support we get from those we care about is healing.
And then, once you’ve forgiven yourself for mistakes, and you’ve forgiven others for theirs, you can learn and grow and try again.
Because what you have to give women is what will attract them, and I don’t mean good looks, or money, or social status. The superficial things we think women want are not as valuable as the FEELINGS they have when they are with us.
A woman might notice a guy across the room if he’s good looking, but she gives her heart to the guy who inspires her to feel happy. And how she feels when she’s with you will be a reflection of how YOU feel when you’re with YOU.
How you FEEL about yourself is how others will feel when they’re with you. Our feelings ARE our VIBE. We vibrate our emotions through our actions and behaviours. When we’re happy we do and say happy things. And when we’re frustrated we make others frustrated.
We are what we think and feel. And we infect everyone around us with those same thoughts and feelings.
Take care of yourself. And if you don’t know how then ask others who seem to really be happy. Happy people leave clues to their emotional success… so find those clues and follow those same steps.
So the cure to a broken heart isn’t a woman, or a relationship: it’s self-love and care and healing and patience.
I hope this helps,