Sometimes you’ll find me answering dating questions over at www.GirlsAskGuys.com … This was a recent question:
Q: (Male Age:25 to 29)
What’s the fastest way for a guy with ZERO dating experience to get a girlfriend?
A: Three simple steps: build your social skills, lead, and escalate.
1) Spend every waking moment building your social skills.
That’s the number 1 most attractive thing about a man… it’s not his looks or his money. It’s his social skills. A man who’s good with people will ALSO be good with women. It’s really that simple.
When a dude is great at chatting with strangers he’ll be relaxed, he’ll appear popular, and he’ll naturally (overtime) learn to read the body language of others.
So do this: talk to EVERYONE.
Standing in line at the store, ordering a pizza, jogging on the beach, renting videos, waiting for class, etc. If you’re shy then start with small talk, “Hey, I missed the news last night, do you have any idea what’s going on in New York? I heard something about a bomb?”
Do this everyday, forever.
Believe me, this is the ONE thing EVERY pickup artist does. It helps us calibrate how to tell stories, how to meet strangers, and how to be social.
Most men, when they get nervous, want to follow.. not lead. And women notice this. When you start to lead you will automatically stand out from all other guys she’s met that week.
What does LEADING look like?
It means you start a conversation. Simple. Easy. That’s it.
You approach her. You ask her stuff. You laugh at her lame jokes. You say, “You know what? You’re not what I expected you’d be like when I first came over here to say hi. I’ll tell you what. There’s this new dessert place downtown I keep hearing about… wanna meet me there Tuesday after school/work to try their chocolate fondue? Then I can find out if you’re as awesome as you seem.”
Most guys will wait for the “right signal” because they’re too scared to lead. Instead it’s better to approach, setup a coffee date, then move on. Simple. If she’s not interested then you didn’t waste time standing around wondering, and you’ll always go to bed feeling proud of yourself for taking action.
3) Escalate. The reason most guys never get more then a first date.
Escalation is like leading. It’s your job to continuously, but slowly, escalate the intimacy of the relationship. You MUST touch her. You MUST hold her hand. You MUST hug her and kiss her.
Once the first kiss is out of the way you’re golden. Everything else opens up after that.
Do these three things and you’ll ALWAYS have options thanks to all the girls who find you attractive, cute, fun, and awesome.
Q: Haha, don’t wanna hear about bombs in NY, because I kind of…live there…
So I will work on my social skills, definitely…and I know what you mean about leading, but what about escalating? I imagine scenarios in my head and it’s hard for me to see when to, say, hold a girl’s hand, put my arm around her, etc…and then, first kiss of course. My inexperience makes me even more nervous about this…any ideas on making “moves” smoothly?
A: Sorry about the New York thing… but us non-New Yorkers are fascinated when ever something’s going on there! Ha!
Ya, escalation can seem scary… mostly because it feels like if we guys make a move that she doesn’t want she’ll get pissed, and we’ll lose all the ground we’ve made with her. This isn’t the case.
The HARD truth is this.. she expects you to make a move (unless you’re her uncle.) So don’t sweat it. She’ll even be disappointed if you try nothing. Weird right!?
Don’t believe me? Read this poll I ran…†http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Dating-Questions/140339-girls—have-you-ever-been-frustrated-with-your.html
10% will wait, the rest get frustrated. What does that tell you?
Women EXPECT you to make a move. It’s not something you need to feel bad about.
The very fact that you’re on a date implies your sexual intention. It’s not a secret and she won’t be horrified when you finally make a move. But she WILL be frustrated if you take too long. It’s actually better to make your move too early then too late. Some might disagree but that’s been my experience.
That doesn’t mean you grab her boobs when you pick her up for the first date.
But all roads will lead there. And which road gets you there smoothest?
Starting out with just chatting, then hugging, then holding hands, then cuddling, and a quick kiss, then a long kiss, then making out and exploring each other’s clothes, then skin, etc.
Q: Awesome advice, great progression you suggested. But you see it’s the “holding hands” thing where I get stuck, because that begins to cross the line from “friendly interest” which I can do to romantic/sexual interest…which I know I have to do, but don’t know how to do smoothly. How can I “ease” into something like that, and how can I know when the girl will be receptive to that?
A: Well, if you manage a second date, then she’s receptive to your slow advances. That’s how you know.
The easiest thing to do is pay attention to how her body responds to your touch.
Start by grabbing her hands to give her a “fake” palm reading. Google it or make it up. It’s about having fun and pretending like you know something about her hands.
But really it’s about touching her hands with yours. If you handle her with care, she’ll “feel” that you’re a careful lover.
Then let go of her hand when you’re done. Release gently. Because every touch you share with her let’s her know how you’ll handle her when she’s more vulnerable later.
Start with hand touching… the palm reading, helping her out of the car, touch her nails when commenting on them, etc. Watch to see if she pulls away, or not. If she doesn’t, then move onto another body part that’s more intimate. Like her arms and shoulders. Each time getting a sense of how comfortable her body is with you.
When you sit let your legs and shoulder touch. See if she leans into you or away from you. It’s your job to stay straight up. Don’t lean into her, that’s needy. When her body starts to lean into you (during any conversation) that’s her indicating she wants more of you.
If she’s always leaning away, then you’re losing her interest.
Grab her hand when crossing a busy street, then let go when you’re almost across. Give her your arm when walking through a restaurant, then release.
when she’s leaning in, tell her a joke, but whisper the punchline in her ear (make her lean in to hear it) so that you give her goose bumps.
The easiest way to tell if she’s ready to be kissed?
When sitting with her, touch her hair. If she seems comfortable with your hand hear her face and hair, then she’s very comfortable. If she kinda leans away, she’s not.
Then lean in a little and look at her eyes, then lips. If she does the same, then kiss her. Easy, right?
Q: Excellent, excellent advice. Thanks for taking the time to type all these helpful words. Now I guess it’s only a matter of meeting a cool girl, and working up the nerve to do these things : P