It’s April, the sun is shining and the snow is finally melting (and squishing all the beautiful sod I had bought last fall.. boooooo) and I’m finally getting some decent Vitamin D back into my life.
Life is good.
Which reminds me of my youth… my younger years of chasing ass, doing pushups and watching Van Damme movies – where I would eat a carton of ice creme and drink a 3 litre bottle of regular Pepsi in hopes of finally gaining some weight. And yes, there used to be 3 litre bottles! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJwlijrSsCw
Man those were some good, stress-free years!
Too bad I didn’t know what I was doing and spent most of my time single. Or maybe that’s a good thing? I mean, if I had more success with women at a young age perhaps I wouldn’t have had all the free time for introspection and self-reflection?
Today I want to celebrate women for being so… unique. And when I say “unique” I really mean “lunatics.” Or perhaps I mean “mysterious and magical”?
All I know is that women have their own sense of “logic” that eludes obvious understanding and so seems deserving of my notice.
Here are ten things women do that makes them “fun.”
1) Duck Face
It’s the I’m-so-insecure-that-I-need-to-make-a-funny-face-as-a-way-of-mocking-how-secure-I-really-am face.
I hate it because I don’t understand it.
2) Texting Nudes
This one’s anti-intuitive because as a man you would think I’m all for nude photos from chicks.
What I really want is to be teased, not eye raped.
Girls, please leave us something to our imagination. Plus, if you are willing to send us nudes we assume you’re willing to send anyone nudes. Therefore your pictures instantly hold zero value.
I guess guys don’t make sense either?
3) High Heels
Why?! Why do you want to be taller? Even tall girls like high heels which is super fucked up.
Shouldn’t women should be tiny and cute and normal, not elongated via robotics or stilts?
I don’t know… I guess shorter women are just easier to hug. I don’t really think there’s a problem with tall women, they can be exotic and strong. But faking height momentarily at the cost of comfort and injury doesn’t make sense.
Heels ruin your back and a man’s ability to look down your shirt.
4) Chasing Assholes
I realize this isn’t the sole domain of women… plenty of men chase bitches. But why, oh why, as the fairer (is that a word?) sex do you insist on chasing guys who have no intention of giving you the love and attention you deserve.
I can maybe blame your daddy, or even our schools for not teaching children about self esteem and boundaries?
Ladies! Please, oh please take responsibility for the men you date. Stop blaming everyone when it’s YOU that keeps choosing poorly.
5) Yoga Pants / Horse Saddle Purse
I might be the only man who has this complaint… possibly because I’m a pervert and have nothing else to obsess about.
Here’s what’s happening… hotties wear cute yoga pants. That’s a good. Then they walk around with the biggest bag they can carry, except they hold that back behind them in an effort to hide their ass.
I’ve seen this at the mall and walking down the street, and most likely it’s because they see my creepy eyes a mile away and prepare in advance.
And I must admit I had a very hard time finding an example online… most likely because nobody has every, in the history of the internet, wanted to take a photo of a girl in yoga pants who’s hiding her best assets behind her yoga bag.
I’m starting to realize I might be a complainer…
I realize the pay off for shopping might come from a feminine energy that wants to feel FULL or FILLED UP and that enjoys the ebbs and flows of picking and choosing beautiful things.
But still… I don’t get it.
I mean… why go to the mall if you don’t already know exactly what you need? Why waste the day trying on shoes you’re never going to buy or have no need for!? It’s lunacy!!
At least I’m smart enough to use a woman’s need for shopping as a first date option. Who said I’m not classy?
7) Emotional Overreactions
I can appreciate that women really are more in touch with their feelings, which makes them magically empathic and beautiful.
But far too many women seem to think it’s “cute” being ignorant and overly emotional.
If you’re in your teens and your emotions overwhelm you? Then I get it and you get a pass.
If you’re a spoiled brat who get’s a pass by every guy you meat (misspelled? Nope.) simply because too many guys are also immature and ruled by their hormones… then you need to stop that shit.
For example: Snooki or Bieber.
8) Fake Eyebrows
Seriously? I just… I just can’t.
This is sometimes called the “friend zone” except it’s an entirely one-sided relationship. He runs around desperately trying to make you happy… you tease him just enough that he sticks around AND you rationalize the whole thing so that you can sleep at night.
If he wants to sleep with you and you KNOW it? Then at least have enough respect to talk about it with him… that way he knows FOR SURE where he stands. Otherwise you’re just using the poor bastard.
Don’t be that girl who keeps 20 guy friends because you “get along with them so well.” I know dudes are fun to hang out with… I’m a dude. And I know dudes will likely give you a ridiculous amount of attention because they’re trying to get inside you. But that just makes you gross.
10) Critical Of Other Women
Listen… I LOVE being critical of other people. I just love it. It gives me a false sense of security and power by focusing on the weaknesses of others.
But I simply can’t compete with the strange catty behaviours of “some” women – especially at work.
Just watch any show that has tonnes of women on screen at the same time (Side Note: the one reality show that DOESN’T actually have this is Honey Boo Boo, if you can believe it! For some reason those people really love each other, which is kinda nice!)
TV examples: House Wives Of Wherever, The Bachelor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, Survivor, The View, etc.
I don’t know… maybe I should relax a little and just get over myself?
Should I tell my boyfriend about my past feelings for an old friend of mine?
My boyfriend and I have been together for about one year and 5 months, and we were friends for an entire year before that. We share a very deep love, and our relationship is, though maybe I’m too naive to say this, one I believe could last a lifetime. We have excellent communication and I believe he’s told me all his deepest secrets, as he makes this known to me. I do too, but there is one I’ve kept from him out of guilt, and because I wonder if it is unnecessary for him to know. I think it might just bug him, and I don’t want to do that unnecessarily. But it preys on my mind, and I wonder if I should be honest with him.
The summer before my boyfriend and I dated, we lost touch. Around this time, I was getting over him (I had a crush on him while we were friends), and started finding myself interested in an old friend from high school. Thing is, I told this friend of my feelings. However, he was dating another girl (and still is), and nothing happened, and nothing came of it. We are still good friends, and try to see each other a few times a year despite the long distance between us.
I don’t think I have feelings for this friend anymore, though I think about him from time to time. It’s difficult to completely forget about somebody when you once had strong feelings for them. I believe, however, that now these feelings manifest as one has for a dear old friend, who has a special place in their heart. They don’t compare to the feelings I have for my boyfriend. For my boyfriend, I have a very deep love and it feels unwavering. I feel dishonest. I feel shameful about this. And I think I should finally tell him.
But like I said, I’m worried it will make him uncomfortable, especially when I go to visit this friend again eventually. My boyfriend is a very rational and very understanding young man. Though I feel like if he felt uncomfortable, which is possible, he would keep it inside and torture himself about it.
I don’t know what to do. Is it wrong to tell him? Because even if it is, it still feels wrong not telling him.
Feelings aren’t facts.
I’m not sure why this is something I see with women more than men… perhaps it’s your feminine nature to empower feelings with more value than they deserve, or maybe you’re seeing the world in a wonderful way that I can’t see… either way your feelings don’t matter.
Well… obviously how you feel matters to YOU.
But the quality of your life, and your relationships, does not depend upon your deepest introspection of every feeling that whiffs across your nose or eyes or ears or heart.
Your relationship with your new man doesn’t depend upon him knowing you completely. I don’t care what hollywood has told you or what your spiritual leader has already explained.
A man doesn’t need to know you completely, and all your dirty secrets, to love you completely. Nor does he care to put himself in your shoes in order to KNOW every other man you’ve had feelings for.
There is NO reason to mention your feelings towards other men, from your past, or in the elevator you took to work yesterday.
The only time you might consider confession such feelings is when he asks explicitly or when you’ve taken action out side the relationship and he needs to know before moving forward. And even then it’s best he doesn’t know.
There is nothing shameful in feeling attraction towards other men, even when you’re happily married. It’s even okay to harmlessly flirt from time to time with close friends. Our feelings aren’t a choice and therefore not subject to such judgements. It’s our intent that matters.
You did nothing wrong and you need to learn how to love yourself without such judgements, and without the need to burden your boyfriend with such endless minutia.
I hope this helps you feel more free to relax and enjoy your feelings instead of feeling guilty about them. It’s okay to be attracted to the positive energy of our friends, that’s not a knock on those we hold most intimate.
Here’s an ugly surprise: not all women will instantly say, “YES!” to your confident and charming request to gain access to her number.
I know this might be hard to believe.
Before you initialize the complete disintegration of your self esteem I hope to settle you the FUDGE down in order to save you from any further unnecessary suffering.
Despite my hate for your ego I will suggest the following reasons that a woman might dismiss your kind request and therefore gift you with the continued miracle of your over inflated pride and courage.
1) She’s Not Single.
This seems ridiculously obvious but if she doesn’t tell you explicitly how are you to know she’s taken?
It’s soooooooo easy to just assume her “no thanks” is a rejection based on your ridiculous shirt and pants when the reality is that she’s already dating someone else.
Realize that even married women like to flirt and have fun with the girls when out on the town. Flirting doesn’t automatically mean she’s DTF. Flirting just means she likes feeling sexy and pretty and appreciated despite being trapped in a loveless marriage (or a happy one I guess.)
And the more courageous you get in approaching women the more likely you are to just start assuming all good conversations are a sign of a woman’s interest (that’s my natural assumptions anyways).
Just don’t become so self delusional that you fail to see the signs of her disinterest: a ring on her finger, her polite “no thanks” when you ask for her number, or her awkward comment about her husband the first time you really made her laugh.
If she doesn’t give a reason then this is a safe assumption to give yourself instead of that disgusting feeling of rejection and remorse.
2) She Isn’t Attracted To You (Yet).
Attraction is about her FEELINGS, not her logical mind. So even if you fit the kind of guy she’s looking for that doesn’t mean she’s going to FEEL attracted to you. Even GOOD LOOKING guys aren’t always attractive to every woman.
How she FEELS towards you is also affected by what’s happening in her life. Maybe her dog is at home feeling sick. Maybe she has diarrhea cramps from that Tuna Taco she ate for lunch. Who knows!?
Sometimes you catch a cute girl at a bad time.
And because of that you can’t really blame her or yourself when she doesn’t really FEEL the urge to give out her number to some guy she just met; even though you’re totally awesome and wicked smart.
What I can suggest is that you do your best to pump up the “attraction” as much as possible before you try closing the deal. Here is an article suggesting some basics: Attraction In A Woman.
3) She Doesn’t Feel Safe With You (Yet)
A major reason women won’t share their number with dudes is because of safety concerns, or lack of. I think most guys don’t appreciate how dangerous it can be as an attractive woman. Many men are just plain creepy. I know plenty of women who have had stalkers, abusive ex-boyfriends, and have been attacked just for being attractive.
If you have Murder Eyes she just might not feel safe enough to give you access to her life.
So make sure you take the time to calm a woman’s nerves when you first meet her. This comes from building rapport, making her laugh, and giving her safe and comfortable personal space.
Basically pay attention to her body language – if she’s open and warm and inviting, if she’s laughing at your jokes, if she’s leaning into you physically, and if she’s giving you warm happy eye contact then all signs point to “YES.”
Here are some great resources for building rapport and comfort: Resources.
4) She Was Faking It
Many women are socially conditioned to be polite and calibrated… this is a good thing in my books. Some women naturally give off a warm and inviting vibe that says, “I like talking to you.” This can easily be misinterpreted as “oh, she must like me.”
And that’s okay.
I much prefer this type of woman over a grumpy pants with her Bitch Shield on full blast.
Asking for her number, even when she declines, makes for good practice and social practice for YOU.
If she politely declines you might say, “Well that’s fair. It was really nice meeting you.”
Don’t be the douche who takes this personally and angrily blames women for being flirts and sluts. Flirting is not her commitment to suck your balls.
5) She’s Helping Her Friend Out
It’s possible that she’s with a group of girls and one of them has already called DIBBS on your hotness.
Or maybe you’re the grenade she’s jumping on to save her friends from your Molester Hands.
If she has a friend into you she should REALLY take this opportunity to help you out.
But she might not.
Does this list help? If you’re in a hole of despair and rejection then perhaps this gives you a little more perspective on your situation?
Stand up and be proud.
Every time a woman declines your request you should bow your head in respect and walk away happy that you had the big brass balls to chat her up to begin with.
I’m quite concerned about my own case lately so I’d like your opinion. Normally I’m quite open minded, not too shy, very friendly, not perverted, a bit weird from time to time, straight and sensible… I love women a lot but I realize lately that I’m finding myself in the friend zone. I haven’t had a relationship for quite long time, but I’m not really desperate about it.
What is that step, that make you girls put someone in a “friend-zone” or “flirt-zone”?
I’ve lived this nightmare and I’ve seen plenty of other guys fall into this same friendship prison. And here’s the best answer I can think of…
There seems to be two main reasons guys fail here:
1) He doesn’t escalate – usually out of fear and ignorance.
2) He doesn’t create enough attraction – usually out of fear and ignorance.
Most guys who end up in the “friend zone” simply don’t escalate.
Women seem to have a hard time realizing the paralysis we guys can feel when we really like her… and so unless she’s holding a sign that says “please touch me” we guys prefer to error on the side of caution. Of course this is completely wrong.
What many guys fail to realize is that if we’re on a “date” with a girl then she EXPECTS us to try stuff… she may even be disappointed if you don’t at least make an attempt – almost like it’s an insult.
Think of this as part of the unspoken dance we do as boys and girls. It’s our job as men to at least TRY to touch her (it’s our way of showing our affection and deep desire for her) and it’s her job to resistance us (it’s her way of displaying modesty and healthy boundaries). It’s like a game of tug-oh-war that’s only fun if both parties are giving and taking equal amounts. When a guy tries to escalate too fast or too slow it ruins the fun game of push and pull.
It’s okay to want to go slow in order to give you time to read her body language. But you MUST escalate.
When in doubt take BABY STEPS. This means taking tiny little escalations, moving forward each time she shows some comfort with each new type of physical intimacy.
Comfort Building: hug-hello > arm in arm escorting her through crowd > touching her lower back to help direct her through crowd > holding her hand to help her out of car or up curb > touch her arm when laughing > sit close enough for legs to touch
Teasing And Flirting: push her playfully away when she makes you laugh or teases you > piggy back ride > tickle fight > thumb wrestle > fake/funny palm reading > lightly touch her chest while holding and inspecting her necklace > brush hair out of her face > smelling her hair > whispering with hot breath into her ear in order to make her laugh and to give her goose bumps
The Final Stretch: Sitting side by side with legs touching > leaning her head on your shoulder > smelling her neck slowly and deliberately > looking into her eyes while lightly brushing her cheek with your hand > Kissing her lips lightly > kissing her neck > pulling her onto your lap while she’s facing you in order to be stomach to stomach > touching the skin on her back while kissing > kissing the rest of her body > etc
As long as you walk her through all of the above types of touch, one after the other, and in order, she’s FAR less likely to act surprised when you go for that first kiss.
Think of physical escalation like this – do it slowly, raise the heat in baby steps, and pay attention to her reaction each time you pass a new boundary, then move back one step to give her time to feel comfortable.
Hold her hand briefly, then let it go.
Hug her when she makes you laugh, then push her away.
Read her palm while warmly touching the soft skin on her hands. Let her know through your touch, how good you are at touching. Then finally, after a happy moment together, kiss her softly. Then let her go like it was completely natural and nice.
Relationships flow through specific stages… Attraction, Rapport, and Intimacy.
The reason many guys end up in the “friend’s zone” is that they completely skip the most challenging stage (attraction) because they’re too focused on the Rapport Stage (connecting, sharing, being friendly.)
And if you skipped the Attraction stage you can’t ever find your way into the intimacy stage (sex, love, romance, etc.)
– You’ve gone on too many dates without having had kissed her yet. More than two dates is too many.
– You don’t tease her. You don’t make her laugh. She doesn’t hit your arm cause you said something too low brow.
– There’s no sexual innuendos, there’s no flirting, no danger of rejection.
The Attraction Stage happens in the first 5 minutes. It’s about teasing her, making her aware that you’re High-Value, not easily impressed, and that you’re still uncertain if she’s as awesome as you hope she is.
Attraction is about building tension.
Rapport is about lessening the tension.
Sexual Intimacy is about pumping the tension up and down… over and over again… 😉
Sooooooooooo… how do you go back and convert a friend into a lover?
Cut off all communication suddenly, for a week, or for what ever length of time that she’ll really FEEL the space you’ve created. This helps her “wonder what’s up.”
Then surprise her with a night out with you… dinner, drinks, dancing, then a late movie at your place. Learn the stages of seduction (escalation resources) and seduce her. It only takes one night if you’re already friends, to build huge attraction.
Because we ALL are! We ALL want to be with someone who can comfort us, and love us and take care of us.
Here’s the problem… when you’re seeking a relationship in order to feel good about yourself that makes you an emotional vampire… someone who’s draining someone else of energy.
That’s gross and women will avoid that type of person.
We all know the type… the depressed person seeking attention and approval.
And the opposite is also true… women are drawn towards men who DON’T seek approval, who don’t need someone else to make them feel good and appreciated. These men are most attractive because they have something to GIVE, instead of just trying to take (her approval, her attention, her affection.)
So the easiest way to meet and attract women is to get a handle on yourself… instead of seeking approval and comfort from a possible future girlfriend you might try giving YOURSELF approval and comfort and love.
This is what self esteem is – A healthy picture of ourselves that we take care of.
When I was young I was taught to avoid horrible sins like pride and selfishness… but I misunderstood the lessons I was being taught.
Being proud of our selves isn’t evil or wrong or bad. And taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish. It’s only when our pride or our self attention becomes damaging to others that we need to take a step back and have some perspective.
Being proud that you accomplished something at school or work? That’s great.
Bragging about it so that others will like you? That’s sad and pathetic – because that’s just another form of seeking approval. “Hey, look at me and tell me how good I am everybody!” – that’s sad and pathetic.
When you can be proud of yourself without the NEED for anyone else to agree with you? That’s POWERFUL.
It’s YOUR responsibility to make yourself WHOLE and HAPPY, not your romantic partner’s responsibility.
If you’re just lonely that means you need more connection with people you love and trust… like friends and family.
Reconnect with them.
Give comfort and love to friends and family… that’s how you will feel loved and connected.
Only THEN will you have the enough to GIVE back to a woman who deserves it.
Know what I mean?
Keep your chin up,
P.S. Need some added perspective? Here’s a guy with a huge face tomour who’s happy, funny, and married with kids: video
Hey Kraig! Thanks for the email, I’ll leave you comments below as I read your message. 🙂
Your Question:Hey Robby. How’s it goin?
I’m doing great! Although it’s snowing like crazy here in Canada… I’m not sure where you are. But the snow is great for the holidays, so I’m pleased.
I just got out of a serious relationship.
Good for you! Or sorry to hear that?
It’s still a pretty open wound.
Ah, that sucks.
I feel kind of like a big bowl of shit right now.
That sounds disgusting and I know what you mean.
It started out as by far the greatest relationship I have ever been in. She was an intern where I worked, I heard she liked me so I made a move. Things went well and I ended up in the easiest, best relationship I have been in. It went that way for four months. We worked together, therefore we saw each other all of the time, plus we were hanging out all of the time. I wanted to see her, she wanted to see me. We didn’t argue, things were playful, we enjoyed being together.
This sounds great. Although you make it sound like this is a rare thing for relationships, but in my experience this is how all relationships are supposed to work. At lease they have for me and my friends… when you choose the right girl that is. And it sounds like you did.
Then she went back to school.
Oh oh… Might I ask how old you both are? I would guess you’re 24 and she’s 19?
She is kind of a party girl, and she got drunk a couple of times and just acted ridiculous and did some things that were just inconsiderate. I kept my cool, but things were a little strained after that.
“Party Girl” can mean a couple things… she might just be super impulsive and feminine… a “go with the flow” type personality… seeking social interactions, etc. This can be healthy if she’s healthy.
Or it can mean she’s using booze and loud music as a distraction to her inner conflicts while seeking attention and affection in order to feel good about herself. This is unhealthy and ultimately destructive to her and any relationships she’s in.
If she has healthy boundaries, even when drunk, then she’s likely just young and looking to have fun. Healthy boundaries means she’s not going to grind her ass on some random at the bar when she’s got a boyfriend, even if she’s drunk. It also means she won’t allow over-flirting to escalate with other guys that aren’t you and she won’t let dudes touch her.
Unhealthy boundaries are when she’ll flirt with other guys in an attempt to garner their attention, or to make you jealous. This is bad.
There is a fine line here though… because if you’re a super jealous boyfriend you might think it’s unhealthy for her to hug other guy friends when she’s drunk, even though this might be perfectly acceptable types of touching. I hug all my female friends even when not drunk… it’s not sexual in nature.
And if you’re overly jealous then you might think that even TALKING to other guys is bad. This means YOU have unhealthy boundaries (trying to control her boundaries) and not her.
I don’t know enough to guess. 🙂
My suggestion is this… if she’s just young and exploring the world of being a drunk girl, sometimes you need to ignore and accept that her boundaries are wide open. The trade off is that she learns to trust you more and appreciates that you’re a cool boyfriend, and you get to go home with her at the end of the night. She might out grow this behaviour, or you might grow to participate more.
Or you might realize that this type of girl is not congruent with your current social needs and you’ll realize that you’re better off with someone more in tune with you.
I’ve dated girls who are extroverts and I find them draining… I’m an introvert ultimately, but I can play an extrovert when I’m in the mood. And I’ve bounced around through lots of women before I settled down with my current girlfriend… and she’s an introvert. And she energizes me because we MATCH.
The attraction of a party girl is her energy… their energy and fun vibe is attractive. They have an energy I don’t have but that I appreciate. And they take care of themselves more because they’re more social. They have more experience pushing a guy’s buttons which can be sexy. And they tend to be more desirable by other men, which is a turn on.
But ultimately you need to choose a girl who compliments you… and not just based on “oh, she’s hot and I’m attracted to her.”
Basically your feelings are great, but they shouldn’t be EVERYTHING when it comes to choosing the right woman.
I love pizza but I choose to eat it less because it’s unhealthy.
But you know what’s super hot? A woman who can spend time alone with you without needing your approval and without needing to be drunk and without needing the attention of everyone else. 😉
After awhile she just kind of treated me differently, she was a little more distant and things just weren’t the same. I brought it up one night and she got very defensive.
I think I might have some experience with this too. I was briefly dating this one girl who was WAY more social than me. Once she went out to a friend’s party while I crashed at her place to soak in her out-door hot-tub. I soaked in there wondering who was hitting on her… and I reassured myself that it didn’t matter because she was ultimately coming home to me. I was insecure back then but I was really working hard to over come such thoughts.
And despite my best efforts I tried to sneak stupid questions into our conversations… things like, “So, did you have a good night?” and then, “You look so great! I bet you had to beat them off with a stick tonight! Any gross guy’s trying to hit on you?” And she’d think I was being fun and curious and would always have some story about some guy. And she would play it off like she didn’t like it, but she did like it, and I was always so confused and kinda jealous.
And just by being jealous I was tainting the way I was coming across.
Instead of being honest with her by saying something like, “You know, I feel so stupid because I still sometimes feel jealous when you get hit on by guys, and I’m not really sure how to get over it. I logically KNOW I don’t have to worry about you cheating on me. But there’s something about other guys flirting with you that I hate… almost like they get to have these tiny interactions with you that I don’t want them to have. Like, I want you all to myself. Does this sound terrible?”
But instead I would pretend like I was fine and I would invent ways of asking if she was hit on… and ultimately this would make her feel suspicious of my motivations… and ultimately she would get so defensive and angry. One big reason she would get frustrated was because I wasn’t being straight forward and honest… I was trying to be sneaky or subtle and that can be really frustrating. In the end it would have been better for me to just be honest that I was jealous, that way we would could discuss it and she could help me resolve the issue.
It’s better to be jealous while trying to figure out why then to pretend you’re not.
From there it just broke down more and more. We kept it going for a few months after that, and there were decent times but mainly arguing. She just didn’t want to see me like she used to. I let my emotions take over and was a dick. I freaked.
Oops, bad move eh?
Sometimes our partner will sabotage the relationship by acting out, like your girl was doing, in order to “fix” it… meaning she WANTED to address the unspoken issues you two were having but didn’t know how so she acted out in hopes that it would force you two to talk, or would force a break up… either way she can walk away without any “guilt.” She might not want the breakup to be “her fault” so she might make you crazy until you end it yourself, or until you explode… then she can blame you.
That’s my guess but who knows, right?
The best approach is to STOP her the moment she’s being a brat. You can do this by being stern and assertive… NOT by being upset and angry and emotional.
Ultimately she wants to trust you… but she can’t if you allow her to walk all over you or to be disrespectful without any recourse.
Except your recourse needs to be stern and firm and assertive… but without the emotional drama.
Here’s a scenario… you’re both late for a date and it’s your fault because you’re unprepared or slow or something.
She might yell something like, “Fuck Kraig, why are you such an idiot! Why the fuck are you making us late!! You’re making me crazy! It’s like I’m babysitting you sometimes, you know that?”
See how that’s rude and disrespectful?
The wrong response might be you yelling something like, “Fuck, I’m going as fast as I can, okay!?”
The right response might be a calm and stern voice saying, “Hey, do not yell at me. It’s okay to be upset that I’m late, but it’s not okay to have a temper tantrum. Settle down or I’m leaving.”
If she continues to yell and insult you then just leave, go home, or ask her to leave your place. Having a yelling match doesn’t fix anything. Walking away before you also get upset gives you the chance to stay composed. Trying to argue while upset doesn’t work for anyone.
The idea I’m trying to explain is this – never allow her to yell at you or to be disrespectful just because she’s a brat. You either tell her to leave, or you leave. And realize that this type of “break” often means “break-up.” But that’s the cost of standing your ground and demanding others to treat you well.
NEVER stand and take someone’s bad attitude. Life is WAY too short and there are WAY too many gentle, sweet, loving women to enjoy!
Recently we finally ended it. It was kind of mutual, but I still feel like complete crap about it. She just randomly told me for almost no reason that she is talking to someone and has since blocked all contact with me (Facebook, Twitter, everything). It just hurts really bad. I don’t know why she has gone to such extremes.
Some girls are like monkeys… they can’t let go of one branch (you) until they’ve got their hands on another branch (the next guy.)
Don’t take this personally. This isn’t about you… it’s about her NEEDING the security of the next guy. She’s immature and needs that to feel safe. Don’t blame her and don’t fret about it.
Her hinting that she’s already seeing someone else was either her way of telling you to let her go, or her way of trying to hurt you one last time. Either way it doesn’t matter.
It sucks, sure. But that’s what makes dating so amazing! The ups and downs.
I guess my main questions are, first of all, I visit the site frequently and I know you went through a divorce so you have been through much worse. What did you do to get back on top of things?
All break ups suck, especially if you are really into the other person. The girl I was with after my divorce was the “love of my life” and she started dating another guy while dating me… and it sucked. So I had to “let her go” and it was horrible. It was kinda mutual but I didn’t really want things to end… but I refused to share her with some dude.
Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. That’s what I learned during my divorce.
I got back on my feet in three major ways.
1) I focused on my self. I wrote out a small plan to improve my career path (building my side business), my emotional self (meditation, self-help books) and my physical self (working out and improved diet.)
2) I kept busy. The benefit of living as a single guy is all the free time – which can help or hurt you. If you just sit around your brain will find ways to dwell on the emotional trauma instead of healing. Emotional healing comes from a little alone time and a lot of busy time. So got hobbies (I made watches and sold them) I read a tonne of books, and more importantly I got out of my place a lot. I learned how to roller blade, how to jog, and how to pick up women on the street.
3) The fastest way to forget the last girl is to meet the next girl worth getting to know. There’s something wonderfully distracting about a new girl. Realize that distraction is only healthy if you also take personal time to deal with past emotional trauma…. if you’re learning to let go of past mistakes you’ll benefit of meeting new women. But don’t go meeting new women if you’re still needy or desperate or jaded or gaurded. Know what I mean?
I have let a lot of things in my life slide, and I’m not really sure where to start to get back to a good place. I just need some advice on how to get motivated and get out there and become a better man.
Find mentors to help give you advice and to help learn new mindsets. I read a lot of Anthony Robbins and Don Ruiz… both of which helped me realize how lucky I really am and how much I love myself, my friends and my family!
Reconnect with yourself through happy and loving thoughts and encouragement… at all times forever.
And reconnect with friends.
4) The BEST way to FEEL better is to help a friend FEEL better. So don’t ask your friends to lift you up…. that’ show you become an emotional vampire. Instead find ways to lift your friends up. Help others… that’s how you feel better about yourself.
I think unconsciously we are much better at helping others because we have our own perspective on their problems… which gives us non-emotional ties to the issues… but when we help ourselves we’re blinded by our own emotional baggage. Does that make sense?
So help friends and family. Remind them how important they are to you. And give them your love and support. That will make you feel strong and happy real fast.
Secondly, and I know you usually kind of discourage this type of thinking, but I feel like circumstances for the relationship were just wrong. I am convinced that it couldn’t work at the moment, but I just really hate how things have ended. I still very much care for this girl, and I guess I’m saying you just never know what the future holds. Some day the circumstances might be right. We are just at different stages in life. She just turned 21 so she has that whole thing going on. I’m 24 so I’ve kind of been there, done that.
Ha, I fucking nailed it! I just knew she was younger… more immature and less experienced than you.
I get what you’re saying here… you want to let her go but you don’t want to exclude any future possible reunions.
Of course this is possible. I thought that about a few of my ex’s too. But it’s rare.
The ONLY way for you to work together in the future is if YOU are a different guy in the future. She might change, but you can’t expect that… people don’t change.
But you might. One day. And I don’t mean in the next six months.
Here’s the problem… you care about your feelings too much. This is common.
You FEEL like you still want to be with her, but you KNOW that she’s not interested and likely not good for you right now.
So now what?
Realize that your feelings don’t matter.
It’s OKAY to want her. And it’s okay to WANT her while NEVER acting upon it.
When you’re on a diet what’s the BEST thing for you to do in the long term? What would make you FEEL the best in the LONG term?
Sticking to your diet and reaping the rewards – healthy body, strong muscles, strong heart, clean lungs, less disease, fewer colds, less flus, better sleep, better complexion, better everything! Longer and healthier life!
But when we’re first dieting we have these FEELINGS that get in the way of long term success… feelings like sugar cravings. Or feeling weak because we’re not used to so few carbs and our body hasn’t learned to switch over to using body fat as fuel.
This is called “Transition vulnerability.”
When a caterpillar crawls into a cocoon it is MOST vulnerable. And when it crawls out as a butterfly it has only minutes to unfold it’s wings to dry before they can fly… this is the transition period from caterpillar to butterfly that it’s MOST vulnerable.
This is where you are. You’re feeling weak and vulnerable because you’re in transition from “how you used to see yourself… with this specific girl” to your future stronger self.
All you can do is TRUST yourself and battle through your insecurities until they settle away in the past.
It’s OKAY to be unsure and vulnerable. Just acknowledge that you’re having transition vulnerability and that it’ll pass as you continue to work on yourself and you continue to reconnect with friends and family and new social circles.
We just didn’t want the same things. What I’m saying is I would like to still have some type of contact, just in case by some chance things could work in the future.I need some advice.Thanks a lot!Kraig
You want to hold on to her “just in case” because you’re being a pussy. Ha!
I don’t really mean this as an insult…. I’m trying to open your eyes here.
The reality is this.. in the future she might be single again, and you might be a grown ass man with many female options. At that time it’ll be EASY to get this girl back… but if you stay in close contact she won’t have the benefit of seeing the BEFORE you and the AFTER you… and she NEEDS to see a difference if she is ever to FEEL different.
So give her the gift of miss you. Let her go. And grow.
You have to let go of the shore to discover new lands!
It’s scary but every father and grandfather before you has managed it… it’s in your genes… you’re the outcome of endless success stories of men finding women. Don’t worry, you’ll do just fine with out this girl in your life.
This is my last post until the new year, so happy holidays!
All I wanted to share was this: I’ve revisited my book Ignore And Score and I’ve added 100 pages of questions and answers… so if you’ve never had a chance to read the book now is a great time!
Along with the new book cover I’ve updated the support website that provides tonnes of links and resources to each chapter, so please check it out:www.IgnoreAndScore.com
Video Interview Clip
A few years ago, when I first created the support blog for Ignore And Score, I did a video interview explaining what the blog and book was about – this is a clip from that interview as well as a “blooper” clip below.
Hey, thanks for reading my blog and for being my best friend. I want to thank you with the most expensive gift I can afford – the gift of my heart. So I’ve asked another talented friend to sing these songs with me in hopes of warming the cockles of your heart too!
I was born with testosterone, a propensity for growing hair on my back, and a lack of vocabulary to explain my feelings.
And what I can’t explain I don’t discuss.
And yet I DO have feelings (despite what my ex-wife believes) but I have neither the training nor the skills to explain those feelings.
And perhaps, because of my lack of emotional expression, I’ve learned to mistrust what my feelings sometimes tell me. My emotional decision-making has pushed away some great women and I’ve seen plenty of needy gals chasing douchie guys.
So with that I say this: don’t trust your feelings.
Go ahead and ask your “feelings” for dating advice, I dare you.
“I’ve been best friends with this girl for years but she just doesn’t seem to get the hint that I’m really into her. Hanging out all the time is just killing me! Maybe I should just spill my guts and tell her how I REALLY feel about her…”
“My first few dates with this guy have gone so great! I just wish he would open up more and talk about his feelings… that way I could relax and not feel so tense and nervous… maybe I should ask him where he sees this relationship going?”
Guys: attraction is about feelings, not logic. Tension is a feeling… you know that feeling you have when you don’t know if she likes you? Don’t try to rid yourself of that tension by TALKING it out with her. Instead USE that tension to build her attraction… by teasing her, flirting, being playful and having FUN! The mistake too many guys make is that they try to escape this feeling, this tension, and in doing so they ruin any feelings she might be developing.
Girls: you can’t fix your new boyfriend by forcing him to talk about his feelings. That TENSION you feel, that not knowing, that’s a GOOD thing! Instead appreciate that if he’s WITH you it’s because he WANTS to be with you. Enjoy him, and show him how to enjoy his time with you. You can take more time to get “logical” and “talky” once your relationship has blossomed and developed, but wait… don’t trust the feeling you have to spill your guts.
FEELINGS ARE BIO “LOGICAL”
Let’s get nerdy for a moment.
It seems that our human brain has developed into three areas: our reptilian brain, our limbic/mammalian brain, and our neocortex.
The oldest part our brain is the stump in the back that folds out from our spines into our skulls and it controls our vital functions like heart rate, breathing, balance, etc. We might call this our LIZARD BRAIN because it’s compulsive and see’s the world in black and white – life or death – flight or fight.
Then, over time, we evolved our LIMBIC SYSTEM which grew over top of our lizard brain. This mammalian brain is judgmental, hormonal and emotional which includes the amygdala, hippocampus and the hypothalamus.
On top of all of that our brains blossomed into two large hemispheres that give us language, abstract thought, imagination and consciousness. This is our neocortex and it’s able to learn and think. It’s flexible and helps give us identities and beliefs and culture.
Egyptian physicians believed the heart was the site of consciousness. They had no concept that the brain was associated with feeling, thinking or other functions. For them, brains were for eating. It wasnt until the Greco-Roman period that the notion of the brains connection with thought and feeling was introduced, but even then, the idea that the heart was the seat of passionate emotions persisted.
~Jack Thompson, Ph.D., professor in the department of psychology and psychobiology at Centre College, Danville, Ky., and author ofPsychobiology of Emotions
EMOTIONS DON’T CARE ABOUT LOGIC
Growing up comes from dealing with these types of inner conflicts: feeling one way and thinking something completely opposite and yet making decisions within this conflict.
Being mature and strong requires you to accept that this type of inner conflict is “okay.” It happens and it’s fine.
Nature wants us to fight and love and make babies, but our current social structure no longer requires these panicked emotional responses with every social encounter.
We logically understand that we won’t be killed if a woman rejects us, but our limbic system doesn’t seem to realize that yet. Instead the average guy becomes filled with fear and tension and panic… perhaps something most women don’t really appreciate.
Our dating confidence and success comes from handling our inner battles – fear and panic vs logic and rational thought.
It’s easy for me to say “ignore your feelings” and yet they blur our vision and clamp our mouths shut. And hopefully you can become aware of the inner tricks being played out by your nervous system – your feelings can’t be trusted.
BELIEFS BUILT ON LIES
Unfortunately even logic can seem to fail us sometimes.
Most often how we FEEL confuses how we THINK and because of our feelings we make terrible assumptions and great leaps in logic.
How often have you assumed the worst about someone when you were really upset?
Or made terrible dating decisions because you felt overwhelmed with insecurities or nervousness?
What are the most common mistakes we make?
We make assumptions and we take things personally.
When we make assumptions we skip logic for the emotional pay off, like feelings of righteousness or indignation while “taking things personally” is exactly the same.
If someone dumps you do you keep perspective? Do you realize that they have their own needs and desires and that they have every right to find someone they prefer to connect with?
Or do you take the emotional road of self-pity, self-blame, and depression?
Do you realize that it’s okay to feel crappy and disappointed without it MEANING something?
It’s okay to feel like crap when someone breaks up with you. It’s NOT okay to then believe the world is ending, that you’re a fat pig nobody will ever love, and that the opposite sex is to blame for all the horrors of the world.
Here’s the lie: feeling like crap doesn’t mean you ARE crap.
Your feelings will lie to you.
The key is to accept feeling crappy without giving it deeper meaning. The key is to accept your feelings so that they can run their course.
Think of your emotions like the weather. It just happens and that’s life. There’s not always some deeper reason for it and it’s futile to try to fight it.
And when it comes to dating sometimes other people need different things than we do, that’s just how it is.
IT TAKES GUTS
Don’t get me wrong… our guts have wisdom.
If logic comes from the head, and feelings come from the heart then they meet in the middle in our guts.
It’s the combination of our heads and our hearts that creates inner wisdom. The more mature you are the more you rely upon your head AND your heart.
But why is it so easy to ignore our heads when our feelings tell us something different?
I think it’s because we’re trapped in bodies of flesh and blood. Our old lizard and mammalian brain reacts to the world far faster than our new logical brain.
Our emotions win the race because our unconscious brain is doing things before our conscious brain is even aware of it. Our emotions wrap us in a cozy blanket of oxytocin and adrenalin (oxytocin is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a huge role in pair bonding, dating, parenting, etc.)
The lesson here is to have the strength to wait out the highs and lows of emotional upset before making decisions.
Drinking and driving. When you’re drunk you can’t rely upon logical decisions because your logical brain is battling other issues (like walking and talking and seeing).
Dieting. If I chose to eat based on how I FEEL I’d never escape the wall of pizzas and ice-cream containers I’d be drowning in. Instead I have to ignore how I feel and take the powerful choice to eat what I KNOW is good for me.
Dating. What do you do when you’ve already sent them three text messages and they haven’t replied to any of them? You might feel that a cute and funny follow-up text message might smooth over those last three creepy messages, but you’d be wrong.
Stalking. Should you spend a few more hours clicking through your ex’s facebook friends list hoping to find more photos that prove they were cheating on you? Or should you be in that hot yoga class sweating off that stress while your superior poses attracts forth ten new dating opportunities? Only your guts know for sure…
He hasn’t called in a few hours? Ignore your feelings and don’t call him.
She seems to be leaning away? Ignore your feelings and lean away too.
He keeps flirting and you don’t know if he likes you? Ignore your feelings, he does.
She smiled at you from across the room? Ignore your feelings and go say “hi.”
HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE
What’s the cost of ignoring logic for an emotional rush?
Well, the more you ignore her signs of disinterest the more humiliating it becomes. By chasing her you keep digging yourself into an emotional hole that destroys your self-respect and confidence.
Or perhaps you stay with that guy because your heart whispers, “it’s way too painful to tell mom that he’s been cheating on me, and besides he’s really sorry now… plus if I forgive him he’s going to finally see how amazing I am as a girlfriend and we’ll live together in total love and respect forever!”
Have you ever looked back after a hard rejection and realized that you were ignoring all the red flags because you were blinded by your emotions?
Nearly 100 percent of us will never win the lottery. And chasing someone who’s not into us is EXACTLY like playing the lottery except the cost of playing leaves us lonely, self absorbed, immature, and addicted to the emotional highs and lows.
When in doubt ignore your feelings.
Try these steps when you’re in a tough spot and you need to make a good romantic decision:
(S)top and relax
You shouldn’t drive when you’re drunk and you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re high on emotions. So take a breath and relax. Put all thinking on the back burner until you’ve escaped any emotional highs or lows.
Give yourself permission to make decisions that are beneficial for YOU. It’s easy to martyr yourself in order to do what’s best for someone else you love… instead realize that you can’t help others effectively unless you’ve empowered yourself to be healthy and safe.
So make sure you’re the first priority on your decision list.
(A)sk someone smarter than you
This is why having an older wiser mentor is so great in romantic decision making – because they have the perspective you might not have. When someone else has no emotional ties to your decision-making they can help give you the best non-emotionally based advice.
(R)eview all options
It’s easy to think about the options that are most exhilarating (like calling that girl again, or texting that guy one more time) but let’s not forget ALL of the available options. When you take the time to review all the options it helps you to remember those boring options (like NOT calling that girl one more time, and NOT texting that guy a million more times.)
There really are GOOD options that seem boring but which bring about the BEST outcomes.
It’s okay to make bad decisions, if you’re willing to learn from them. The worst thing you can do is blame someone or something else for your choices.
Take responsibility for your actions because that’s how you learn, grow and mature. When you blame others you’re only hurting yourself.
Here are my final thoughts: your feelings don’t have to dictate your choices and your good choices will always improve how we feel!
This is just a quick post to announce that I’m about to republish my book Ignore & Score.
What’s new? The cover design, the layout, the editing, and an additional 100 pages of Question and Answers.For the most part this content is the same as before just cleaned up with additional resources.
I want to thank anyone who’s taken the time to leave me an honest Amazon Book Review (here) by sending you a FREE copy of this new Print Edition. I don’t care if your book review was 1 star or 5 stars… as long as it was honest and sincere. I ned critical feedback like this to help me improve my next book and to help readers like you.
Want a copy even though you’ve never left me a book review? That’s okay, there’s still time! As long as this post is live (Until the end of Dec) I’ll honour this give-away. If you leave me any type of book review on Amazon (here) just email me proof along with your mailing address and I’ll send you a FREE Print copy of this new edition.
Going to write me a new book review but don’t know what to say? Just make it short and sweet, and honest and sincere. Please don’t post any fake book reviews pumping my tires… they come across as fake and insincere and actually hurt sales.
So just email me some type of proof of your Amazon (or Barnes & Nobles) book review, along with your mailing address, and as soon as I get my first order of Book Proofs in I’ll mail you a FREE COPY.
Any feedback on this new cover and design? The book is smaller and fits into the hand much better AND it’s about 200 pages now.
Your feedback is much appreciated!
P.S. Can’t afford to buy my book but you just NEED to read it? Email your situation and I’ll see what I can do… I do have a few extra copies to share. 🙂