We unconsciously lean towards what we want, and away from what we’re trying to avoid. Lean your body away from her to communicate that you’re not needy, that you’re relaxed, that you’re confident, and that you’re happy. And notice how she either leans into the space you’ve created, or leans away in her attempt to escape your body door and bad breath.
And, when she’s willing to lean into you, meet her in the middle to create rapport.
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly…
It’s easy to look at a couple’s body language in order to predict who’s in charge, and who’s doing the chasing. And sometimes, when a couple is connected and deep into rapport they mirror each other.
Once glance at these photos and you’ll be able to tell that either the guy’s doing really well with her, or he’s not.
I met a girl in the gym. She has a really good personality. She comes to gym every morning but we’ve never said hi to each other. I always look over at her and I’ve caught her starring at me a couple of times but when I tried to impress her by lifting weights and then look at her she turns away quickly (She’s probably shy).
I really wanna approach this girl but I don’t know how to. I thought about being her personal trainer (but that would be awkward)? I need some excuses to talk to this girl. How do I start a conversation with her? Any chances of being alone with her?
This is easy. You need to slowly escalate through casual “hello’s”, then tiny conversations, to finally isolating her outside the gym.
BUT FIRST ask yourself this… should you shit where you eat?
Can you handle dating her, having a horrible breakup, then seeing her flirting with other guys at the gym every day?
If you’re a pretty cool and composed dude and you don’t think this’ll be a problem then let’s move forward.So… escalate.
1) Start With Hello.
Try starting with something like “Hey, good morning.” Have a happy/friendly smile on your muscular face. You’re a social fun/dude, remember.
Do this a few mornings in a row.
It’s so tame that you could do this with the old guy you see each day too… for practice. Not every move is meant to seduce her into bed… just baby steps right?
These little “hellos” can eventually blossom into brief morning conversations. She will assume you’re just a friendly guy, but if she thinks you’re cute she’ll likely give you open and flirty body language… by playing with her hair, by laughing too much at your lame jokes, etc. Or she might be annoyed because she’s trying to work out… just pay attention to her reactions and give her space if she looks like she wants it.
I should note: normally I would recommend escalating faster than this but since you’ve already seen her at the gym a bunch without saying hello it’s best to start slow. Next time you see a hot girl immediately start with “hello.”
2) Get A Spot.
Ever ask a dude for a quick spot? Why not her, right? Now, don’t ask for a spot with something really heavy… you don’t want to look like you’re trying to impress her with your strength.. because women don’t give a shit how much you can bench. Seriously. Only other dudes do.
This requires that you work out when she’s working out. At some point simply ask her if she can spot you. Perhaps while doing shoulder dumbbell presses.
She might say, “Um… I’m not sure how” or “I don’t think I have the strength” to which you can assure her you need very little assistance. Just explain that all you might need is a light touch on your elbows on your final few reps.w
I don’t know why, but I like this approach.
3) Don’t Get Needy.
Stay flirty, fun, and open. Don’t pressure her to talk when she’s busy, and don’t try to drag out conversations. Just make them fun but short. Remember, she’s there to workout, not pickup.
Talk to other people too, if you’re a little shy. This will help strengthen your social confidence and it’ll grow your social proof in the gym (meaning she’ll see you talking to other men and women.)
Now it’s time to start having longer conversations… not just “hello” but something like, “Hey, you seem like you really have yourself together… and I need a woman’s opinion on something… wait, are you single?”
She’ll say yes or no.
Then say, “Well, I have this buddy who’s undecided if he should date this girl from his office, and I’ve warned him that it can be really messy dating at work… but what do you think?”
See? It’s interesting and you get to see if she’s single. Plus it’s kinda personal. Rehearse this with other women outside of the gym to get a feel for your pacing and delivery.
You’re not doing this to pickup women, you’re doing it to practice opening strangers in conversation. Asking for someone’s opinion on something is gold when it comes to starting fun conversations. Like the waitress who’s server you dinner, or the greasy fat guy stocking the fruit at the grocer.
When you’re all practiced up try making small talk with this girl at the gym, when it’s more appropriate. Maybe when she’s done working out and you’re both buying a protein shake at the food counter. Maybe when you’re both stretching on the mats after working out.
This shows her you’re comfortable talking with her, which will make her comfortable talking with you.
If she’s stand-offish to guys hitting on her at the gym this will help her relax… because you’re not hitting on her, you’re just making interesting conversation. This also lets you start to get a feel for her personality. As you already know (*wink*) she’s more than just a great ass with tits… and you’re not interested in settling for a bag of hammers. Right?
If all seems good to this point, invite her to join you for lunch.
Maybe something like, “Hey Susan! Listen, I always like talking to you… join me for lunch this week. There’s a cute sandwich and soup place I’ve been dying to try and I’d hate to go alone.” Say it with a smile.(NOTE: You can get more ideas like this from my book and it’s free escalation resources.)
Attraction is about tension. It’s about mystery and suspense. It’s about flirting and teasing and push and pull. It’s about motion with emotion.
I’ve whipped together 10 reliable ways to help attract women into your life… by improving your foundations as a man.
Indulge In Your Passions
People with passions are like people with Monkey Pox – they’re infectious.
They can infect others with their excitement. Like a musician who loves music, or an artist who loves painting, or a photographer who loves faces, or a dog trainer who loves animals, or a student who loves his future career, or any man who’s deeply happy with the direction of his life.
Find your passions, it’ll make you a happy man.
We naturally get a little joyful when we’re talking about the stuff we LOVE, so it makes sense to have stuff going on in our lives that we LOVE. Women enjoy being around men who are happy and joyful and passionate.
Can you change your car’s oil? Do you know how to grow a garden? Or how to properly tie a bow tie?
These are the basics we’ve forgotten about in today’s age of inter-webs and mySpaces and Twatters.
Open your eyes and step into the real world of people, and challenges and road bumps. Life will surprise you with unexpected delays, problems and dilemmas and it’s YOUR job to be able to handle them… and when you CAN women will LOVE you for it! As will your buddies, your family and your number one fan – you.
And since you’re already doing some good learnin’ you should consider adding some life skills to that list: how to dress, how to cook, how to be your own mechanic. It’s these types of life skills that make you a well rounded man. They inspire others to treat you with respect. AND they help instil feelings of self confidence and trust.
And Neil Strauss (author of The Game) did just that while writing his last book Emergency.
Having skills helps bring about inner confidence but what about in those situations when you’re completely unprepared? Or when your emotions become over powering?
That’s when you need to get calm. More calm than everyone else around you. While panic ruins the ability to act your inner calmness just might save your life, your wife, or your relationships.
Women WANT to see you challenged with unexpected conflict because in those honest moments of vulnerability she can finally assess if she can trust you.The only way for women to truly know if you’re reliable in tough times is to see you challenged by tough times. Will you fuck up and panic, or will you stay calm and composed?
She needs to trust you because her long term attraction depends upon it. Women don’t just WANT a manly man, they are DRAWN towards them. There’s something SAFE about a man who’s able to stay composed in times of trouble.
Are you quick to anger? Do you stagger and flail when things get tough? Do you panic?
Instead learn how to stay level headed and composed. At all times. Forever.
I’ve always been impressed with Cesar Millan’s ability to stay composed and fearless with wild dogs… he’s the master of “Calm Assertiveness”
Why is being selective attractive to women? Well, aren’t you more attractive to selective women? Isn’t the term “slut” meant to imply some women aren’t selective enough? There’s a real social judgement towards people who are openly sexual and available. I don’t agree with it but it’s power to influence how others feel seems important.
Women want to be proud of the guy they end up with, and they need to FEEL that they’ve some how EARNED their way into a man’s heart.
So when you’re selective, with your own preferences, it instantly communicates to her that you’re man of value and selection. A man who KNOWS himself and what he wants. And this is very attractive.
So learn how to say NO (all the time) in your search for Mrs. Right.
( I dedicate an entire section of my book (Ignore And Score) to the attractive aspects of leading.)
Leading is about taking action.
Why do most men fail to be successful in dating and in life? They don’t take action.
If you’re struggling to attract amazing women into your life, it’s because you don’t have or use your own power. You don’t have that power because you’re constantly giving it away.
Here are some ways you may be giving up your power:
Putting her on a pedestal.
Forcing her to lead; i.e., asking her to make all of the decisions.
Asking for permission.
Constantly worrying that you’ll upset her.
Seeking her approval, praise and her constant attention.
Instead of voicing your opinions, going along with her, then seeking your revenge through passive aggressive behaviors.
Trying to manipulate her by bragging, lying, or being domineering.
How can any woman, especially one with high social value (a woman adored by many men), possibly find you attractive if you’re busy giving her all of your power?
The worst thing is that she thinks she wants that power, but ultimately it will demolish her attraction and respect for you. It’s called chronic malesupplication, and it’s killing the love lives of this generation: Men Supplicating To Women, And The Women Who Hate Them For It – my next Book? 😉
It’s universally understood that women are attracted to leaders. This doesn’t mean you need to be a social leader, although it helps; it simply means yourbehavioursmust communicate to her that you’re in control of yourself.
She needs to feel that you’re able to make decisions, take action, and ignore your own fears. These are leadership behaviors. These are the behaviors that will communicate to her “this guy has his shit together and will not only support and protect me when I need it, he’ll lead me into experiences I’ve never had before.”
Women want to be with a man who can lead; a man she can trust enough to take over.
The idea of momentum ties together ideas of passion, and leading: it paints the picture of a “man on purpose.” He’s a guy who’s not easily distracted by beautiful women, or money, or simple life quibbles.Why? Because he’s got purpose and direction and momentum. And that’s attractive. Women want to be WITH him and men want to BE him.
Many of the small insecure things a man might do around a beautiful woman only occur when he is easily distracted or lacks direction and momentum. But if you give that same man purpose and direction and he’ll immediately stop doing the wrong things, automatically and without realizing it.
Who’s more likely to let a woman walk all over him? The guy with no career direction or the man who’s constantly thinking of ways of improving his business?
Obviously we can’t all be highly successful business owners, but we can all create momentum for ourselves. Either in our private lives through our passions and hobbies and social activities, or through our jobs and careers.
If you’re taking the time to read and learn about attraction in an article like this then you’re already the type of man who’s creating momentum for himself.
Being good with women is often tied to being great with people. The more comfortable you are meeting new people the easier it’ll be to meet new women.
Because women are people. (Well… they’re people with boobs.)
That’s fucked up, right?
When you force yourself to interact with strangers what you’re really doing is helping build your social skills. And social confidence IS self confidence.
So get out of your grandmother’s attic and start making friends. Because friends have friends who know girls who are single.
AND because you deserve to share your life with others.
Great comedians understand the power of surprise, and now you should too. It’s simply more FUN when someone is a little unpredictable (notice I didn’t say unbalanced or out of control.)
When you really understand how attraction works you’ll see how being predictable kills attraction. Because it’s boring. When she knows what you’re going to do or say next it’s kinda boring. But when you sprinkle in a few surprises suddenly things get very interesting.
Didn’t expect that did you?
When women say they like a man who can make her laugh what she’s saying is that she likes a man who is smart enough to surprise her sometimes.
Attraction is about pushing her buttons and poking her FEELINGS… and that takes the unexpected.
Don’t tell her where you’re going on your date, just smile and say, “It’s more fun if I don’t tell you. Just be sure to be wearing something cute and casual.I’ll pick you up at 5.”
Don’t call and text her at the same times every day, mix it up.
Don’t always answer her text/call immediately… sometimes be unavailable, sometimes delay a few hours before responding.
Don’t be an open book that smothers her in details and descriptions. Leave some of your inner thoughts and feelings to yourself… let her discover who you really are over time, not on the first date.
Spice up your sex life with different moves, different locations, different desires. Improvise, be creative and try new things.
Learn to delay. Don’t always try to escalate to sex… a woman KNOWS what you’re doing with you start kissing her neck and touching her thighs… so sometimes just stop escalating and surprise her by not trying get her naked. It just might make her confused and suddenly way more horny.
I learned a tonne from Don Ruiz and his books (Book Resources Here) and something he digs deep into is the power of honesty.
The real trouble is when we’re dishonest within our selves… it fucks our confidence, it pushes people away, and feeds our inner demon called The Ego. Even the tiny lies we tell people to “save their feelings” hurts us like a tiny poison.
How many friends have you seen in a tired or resentful relationship? What a huge waste of time and human effort. It’s sad.
Want to learn about the instincts of honesty? Learn from a dog… because a dog can see through your bullshit. Animals are very honest… they don’t piss around worrying about what other people might think or feel, they’re just honest. Again, take a lesson from Cesar Millan’s.
And yes, women are MUCH more attracted to a guy who’s willing to be honest, about everything. You’re not going to lose her if she knows how many girls you’ve been with, but you might if you keep pretending like it’s awesome she still hangs out with her ex-boyfriends.
Being honest doesn’t mean being a critical asshole to everyone, even when your criticisms are well founded. Sometimes it takes style and class when being honest. Read more here.
The MOST important life factor that effects overall life span is cardiovascular health.
Not diet, not body fat levels, not even smoking.
The biggest factor is cardio. It’s WAY healthier to be fat and FIT than it is to be thin and sedentary. ( Article )
“In December, a study in The Journal of the American Medical Association looked at death rates among 2,600 adults 60 and older over 12 years. Notably, death rates among the overweight, those with a BMI of 25 to 30, were slightly lower than in normal weight adults. Death rates were highest among those with a BMI of 35 or more.
But the most striking finding was that fitness level, regardless of body mass index, was the strongest predictor of mortality risk. Those with the lowest level of fitness, as measured on treadmill tests, were four times as likely to die during the 12-year study than those with the highest level of fitness. Even those who had just a minimal level of fitness had half the risk of dying compared with those who were least fit.
During the test, the treadmill moved at a brisk walking pace as the grade increased each minute. In the study, it didn’t take much to qualify as fit. For men, it meant staying on the treadmill at least 8 minutes; for women, 5.5 minutes. The people who fell below those levels, whether fat or thin, were at highest risk.”
Try to appreciate the importance of this. It’s less about diet and drugs and supplements and other bad habits… and mostly about how often we raise our heart rate through exercise.
After having so many unsatisfying first dates I began to recognize certain patterns and behaviours in the women I was choosing… some people might call these “Red Flags” … I called them “turn ons.” But how often do Red Flags turn into Girlfriend Material?
It feels like every time I even try getting close to a guy they shove me even further away.
I mean it’s obvious that I’m not the prettiest girl in the world but I have good qualities too! And it hurts me to know that all I’ll ever be is ONE OF THE GUYS…I just want to be seen as the girl someone is interested in for once.
Do other girls have this problem? Is there a solution to this problem?
I don’t know you so it’s impossible to KNOW what’s happening when you meet these guys, but I can take an educated guess.
Is it possible that you’re being desperate or needy?
I ask because that’s a typical reason guys push girls away…I’ll tell you why:Guys LIKE having girlfriends…
We love it!
We like connecting and sharing and being loved.
We like being pampered and cared for… and we like the intimacy and certainty that brings. I’d rather come home to a hug and kiss than chase some random ass that ignores me at the bar.
But what we don’t like is a girl who’s needy or desperate.
When a girl acts needy she becomes a burden.
She requires endless approval and reassurance and this is tiresome and gross.
The BEST type of girl is independent and strong and happy and emotionally healthy… notice I didn’t mention any superficial aspects like tits and ass?
The best women bring good energy and fun and love to a relationship. They are FUN to be around.
A needy or insecure girl is the opposite of fun. She is an energy drain. She calls too often, asks the same questions over and over again, lacks trust, and is an emotional vampire… it’s exhausting.
Try to realize that men are attracted to ENERGY, not just superficial looks and appearance.
Assuming your hygiene is good I’d recommend focusing on YOU.
If you’re lonely, reconnect with family and close friends.
If you’re insecure talk to an older female mentor and get solid inner game advice.
Learn how to LOVE yourself so fully that you don’t seek attention and approval from anyone except yourself.
That way, when you’re finally whole and happy, you express the “right” type of attractive and fun energy that guys LOVE to be around.
A girl’s pretty smile will draw a man’s attention, but it’s her PERSONALITY that keeps him. Being a fun gal will drawn men in, and if you’re a solid healthy girl they’ll want to stick around. There’s nothing as sexy as a confident fun woman.
If you’re seeking a relationship to feel full or fulfilled then you’re doing it wrong. Relationships aren’t for TAKING, they’re for giving.
So once you’re compete and happy and ready to share and givethen you’ll find it EASY to catch and keep a guy… at least in my opinion.
I grew up completely obsessed with confused by girls. When I had no interest in them (until age 7) they seemed to really like me, and the moment I started to find them interesting they scattered like frightened geese, hissing at me and pooping everywhere.
Until I was divorced and living in an empty apartment I never took the time to really self reflect, focus on my health and fitness and basically clean myself up. THAT’s when I start to realize some dating success. And I think that a little vanity helped me get that ball rolling.
So I’m ignoring all the cautionary tales I learned in church and I’m going to share some positive aspects of today’s dirty word: Vanity.
Being Vain Beats Being Lazy
Something I try to make clear in my book is that not everyone is born “good looking” but that anyone can “look good.”
If you haven’t won the mesomorth lottery it doesn’t mean you can’t still beef up, lean out, or shine up real nice.Basically any guy can raise his “rating” with the right diet, attitude, or wardrobe update. Any guy can reach an “average” rating, and many average guys can become 8’s or 9’s!
Don’t let your “before” picture define your future success. If you want to change it’s possible.
Women Are Superficial (And Yummy)
That’s right, I said it. Women are superficial when they first meet you.
Well how the hell are they supposed to get a sense of who you REALLY are until they’ve gotten to know you?So all they have to work with is what they can see, hear, smell and taste (tee-hee).
And, according to the science I just googled, we ALL have automatic ways of judging someone’s genetic health based on their superficial appearance.
“It turns out that beautiful people are genuinely different from ugly people, because they are genetically and developmentally healthier.” ~ Psychology Today
This isn’t a judgement towards women, it’s an acknowledgement that vanity has it’s place. There’s even an incredibly popular women’s magazine called Vanity Fair where harmless types of vanity are celebrated and discussed (I assume, I’ve never read it… they cover makeup and fashion right?)
If it’s okay for women to focus on their appearance in order to attract us then perhaps we should do the same.If she’s going to spend decades learning how to dress and present herself then perhaps we should take an extra 5 minutes to bleach our assholes pluck our eye brows.
How We Look Is How We Feel
Have you ever just felt AWESOME because you think you look awesome?
Maybe you lost that 5 pounds you were working on, or maybe you’re strutting around with a post-gym-pump (not to be confused with a post-Jim-Pump) or maybe you’re wearing some new clothes? And just THINKING that you looked good made you FEEL good?
If you’ve never experienced this sensation then you’re just being hard on yourself. We’ve ALL had good hair days and you know it!
Here’s the problem… if you’ve become lazy, neglected to learn anything about fashions, or exercise, it’s very easy to slide into a pathetic pit of social ignorance, causing you to look tired and unattractive. And when yo KNOW you look unattractive it ALWAYS influences how you FEEL around women.
And, incase I don’t say this enough, how you FEEL when you’re around women influences how THEY feel. It doesn’t matter what a woman THINKS about you, it only matters how she FEELS when she’s around you. That’s a KEY to learning how to attract women.
So if you think you look crappy then you likely FEEL crappy too. Luckily all aspects of depression and appearance can be fixed.
Self Reflection Improves Self Esteem, Confidence, And Erections
Some where along the line I learned that being self-reflective was the same as being self-absorbed but I’m here to tell you there’s a HUGE difference between being self aware and being selfish and narcissistic. Caring about yourself doesn’t automatically make you stop caring about others. I’m telling you that it’s OKAY to care about yourself. Even Dr. Phil says that Self Matters.
Creating a healthy and loving inner dialogue creates inner peace, it creates inner health, and it becomes expressed through your personality as confidence. Confidence is a type of courage we express as vulnerability. Women are automatically drawn to men who are happy, healthy, and willingly vulnerable.
“Confidence” is being open to the world while vulnerable, and “lack of confidence” is expressed as being guarded, shy or outwardly angry.
When you are willing to challenge your inner mindsets and beliefs you can change the bad one’s for good ones. And changing how you think will change how you feel.
Can’t settle your monkey mind down so that you can relax? Want the success that Hugh Jackman or Howard Stern? Learn how to meditate!
And how is self reflection good for your erections? Because scientists believe that impotence is commonly associated with the self-esteem of a man.
Self-Reflect + Self-Correct = Self-Respect
It’s Good For Your Career
You can blame the world for being unfair OR you can get in the game son! We ALL have seen these articles explaining that the more attractive applicant get’s the job. If you’re as skilled as the next person then of course they’re going to hire the better looking options.
Did you know that Elvis Presley was blonde? But he wanted to be more like his idols so he dyed it black. And it did wonders for his career.
Try this – lose some weight, shave more often, get a great hair cut, and buy some new suits… then tell me it doesn’t improve your work life.
Vanity Enhances Mate Choice
Everything I’ve been talking about isn’t so that you can sit at home masterbating into a mirror, it’s so that you can meet women. Quality women!
Women are attracted to men who “look good,” who look healthy (from working out and clean diet), who dress well (fashion,) who seem confident and relaxed (from self reflection, improved inner dialogue, and meditation) and who are focused on their careers. And that perfectly describes a guy who has awareness of his life, himself, and how he looks in the mirror.
Remember, “meating” women takes more than knowing what to say… you also have to look the part (of her future ex-husband.)
Question: Hey Robby, I purchased your book Ignore & Score earlier this spring, and read through it once, and I thought your advice was solid! I feel like since I have read your book, I have gotten a lot better at being relaxed around the girls that I am interested in. I better at not talking about myself as much, keeping them from learning too much about me, and at keeping the conversation fun while not trailing off into something nerdy / geeky.
That’s awesome, thanks for reading my book!
I should note something in what you just said… where you say, “keeping the conversation fun and not trailing off into something nerdy / geeky.” I completely agree with keeping things lite and fun, but try to realize something…. when you judge anything about yourself as nerdy or geeky it sounds like a negative thing. I realize that many of us refer to ourselves as geeky in a proud way, which is fine, but PLEASE don’t let yourself become judgemental or negative about your obsessions, passions or hobbies… even if they might be described as nerdy or geeky.
For example, let’s say you’re into model trains.
I think it’s PERFECTLY cool to be excited to talk about them on a first date… as long as you keep it calibrated.
1) Because when you talk about your hobbies you’re going to be excited and passionate and likely more knowledgeable than her. This means your mood will improve, your energy will be positive, and you’ll express a level of authority on the subject. In my case, years ago, I was deep into making my own watches and leather cuffs. And it always came up because I would always be wearing one. I would buy watch faces that I liked and I would make heavy leather cuffs for them.
2) It’s interesting to hear about something we don’t normally hear about… so for a brief period she might actually enjoy hearing about the underground world of model trains. Or in my case leather crafts.
Now realize I said be “calibrated.”
That means you can share some insights into your hobbies and passions as long as she’s interested… if she’s asking questions and paying attention.
As soon as she stops paying attention, is looking around bored, or stops asking questions about it, then drop it and move onto something else.
3) If, in your heart and guts, you’re kinda nerdy or geeky, you should embrace it, love it, and share it. Why? Because ultimately you’re going to connect better with a girl who likes your nerdy side, not a girl who can’t relate.
It’s attractive when a guy is comfortable in his own skin sharing his desires and interests even when he knows it might push her away. It’s a great way of filtering out women who aren’t good enough for you. 😉
Anyway, I am writing to you because I want some of your thoughts on this situation. I have been using a major online dating site for a while with little success. However, I have been revamping my profile every so often, and crafting my messages to try and grab a woman’s attention. I came across a woman I am very much interested in, and I was able to get some messaging going back and forth between us for the last five days, until I asked her out to dinner this upcoming Friday evening. She accepted, and she messaged me her phone number. I messaged her mine back. Now what do I do?
Do I keep messaging her?
Yes. What ever banter you had going online you can continue via text messaging. I happen to be friends with a dude who wrote a book entirely on texting: Text Appeal
But keep it light… because you haven’t met her yet and you don’t want to become super needy via her cell phone before she has the pleasure of meeting your fine self.
If you’re going to text her again do it between now and your date, and make a reference to something you were already talking about online. For example, I met struck up a conversation with a girl online because she had some super long rainbow socks that I thought were funny looking. So before our first date I texted her a photos from a store I was in and said, “Should I wear these tomorrow night?” The photo looked something like this:
Don’t send her anything mushy like, “I can’t wait for Friday night!” or “I’m really excited to meet you!” or “I’m so nervous.”
This will just tell her you’re over committed to her without having even met her yet. Your value goes out the door.
It’s okay to be excited or nervous, but you don’t need to release that tension by mentioning it.
So keep your text messages short unless she makes them long. I mean, you don’t even know what her texting skills are yet anyways.. she might not text at all!
All that said, if it’s a long wait until your date (More than 3 days) then you should touch base with her at least once via text or email… just to stay connected and friendly before the date.
Do I not message her, and just meet with her for dinner on Friday? What are your thoughts?
See my thoughts above. Don’t let three or four days go by without having talked with her… your job is to keep the energy going.
Also, I am re-reading your book and making sure I am all set for this upcoming date (such as looking my best, well groomed, good hygiene, keeping the conversation fun, appealing to her emotions, having relaxed, open body language, building tension, etc.). I think I have some initial rapport built by sharing jokes and interests that she has enjoyed so far. I want to make sure I don’t fall into the trap of being a nice guy but with no spine.
Being NICE is perfectly okay. Being too mushy or overly emotional or overly interested is bad. Remember… you’re meeting her to find out if she’s good enough FOR YOU, not the other way around. You’re testing HER, not the other way around.
Compliments are okay when they are used sparingly and when you’re not seeking her approval.
I also don’t want to blow a chance to escalate attraction by physical contact.
One thing I am not used to is building attraction via physical contact (such as holding a girl’s hand at an opportune time, giving her a hug, kissing, etc.). For a first date, what do you think I should look to do when it comes to physical contact, and what cues should I look for?
Since this is the first time meeting you it’s a GREAT opportunity to be overly touchy, in a calibrated way. She doesn’t know you so she’ll just assume you’re just a touchy person.
Remember that touch is a form of intimacy and it builds trust and rapport. Use touch as long as her body language shows approval. If she pulls away or acts funny then take a step back and give her more space… when you react to her reaction it shows her that you’re paying attention and that ultimately she can relax and trust you more.
As a rule I always hug a girl hello like she’s a long lost friend. I’ll even lift her off the ground with my hug… like a friendly bear hug. I can’t say I’ve ever had a girl not hug me when I’ve had a happy and excited face with my arms out wide… it’s naturall to just hug someone when they do that. And this is a great way to quickly break that first-touch barrier.
Here’s a great resource for escalating touch: Escalation
And the last question I have is, if the date goes well, how soon should I contact her to set up another date? There are so many “rules” regarding how long you should wait to text her, or she should text you first, etc. etc. I wonder if you had any thoughts.
Sorry for the essay / multiple questions. I always enjoy reading your insights Robby, take care.
Great questions! Here are my final thoughts….
1) If the date goes great keep it going… I’ll usually line up my date like this…
a) 30 minute coffee at a cute local cake and tea shop.
b) If she’s awesome and fun we’ll either sit there all night talking and eating, or I’ll transition the date to a new location. Each time you change venues it creates a subconscious feeling that she’s on a new date. So if you bounce to three places it’s like you’ve been on three dates! So I’ll move from the coffee house to a nice walk down the street to the many shops for shopping or for real food.
c) I rarely make dates for a Friday … usually because I liked to leave my Friday nights open to close friends and events. So my dates would normally take place on a Sunday or after dinner on a week night, like Wednesday. This way, if she was awesome, I could say, “Hey, are you free at all this Sunday afternoon? I was going to pull out my portable barBQ and have myself a little hot dog picnic at the local park, the weather is supposed to be awesome! Join me!”
d) If the date goes well you can either already have a next date idea ready to go that you can invite her to near the end of the date… like I just explained above … OR you can just end the date with her wondering if you’re going to call.
e) Sometimes if my date goes well I’ll end it with, “You know what, I had a great time! I really enjoyed meeting you.” Big hug and goodbye. If she says “We should do this again” then I’d say “You’re right… hmm… are you free on Sunday afternoon?” If she doesn’t say anything then I’d leave it at that and I’d call or text her the next day.
I’ve found the most success using the energy of a good conversation to make plans to see her again. She’s already happy and in a good mood so it’s a great time to seal the next date. But only do this near the end of the date, and calibrate your plans on her reactions.
If you say something like, “We should do this again, are you free Sunday?” And she says, “I’m not sure I’ll have to get back to you.” That means she’s not that interested. So stop trying to make plans and wait for her to show more interest. Basically, a girl who wants to see you again will jump at the chance, not give you “maybes’.”
You don’t know her yet, don’t let your excitement overwhelm your reason. Imagine this situation… you have 7 dates with 7 girls this week… you need to treat each date knowing you have 6 more dates to get through. So pace yourself. Don’t get over committed just because she’s hot or fun or seemingly perfect. Give yourself time to really get to know the real her.
Allow her time to impress you. Allow her space to show you her real self.
Dating is about finding a girl who meets YOUR expectations. It’s not your job to meet HER expectations. Let her worry about finding her perfect man, even if it’s not you.
Your only job is to have fun, and if you’re making dating stressful then it’s not fun any more.
TRUST ME… it’s more attractive to be with a guy who’s being sincere and honest and having fun over a guy who’s stuck in his head trying to do the right things.
It’s OKAY to fuck up.
It’s OKAY to scare a girl away if you’re a little boring.
It’s OKAY to scare a girl away if you tried to kiss her too soon.
Every fuck up becomes a learning lesson, a stepping stone, and a funny story to share with your guy friends.
Dating is about having fun, being excited to meet someone new, and gaining the social skills it takes to become REALLY good with people. When you’re good with people you’ll be good with women, that’s just how it works
So go out and make as many more dates with as many more women you find interesting or fun!
I think it’s happened to most of us who have experienced dating… so what’s the main difference between being “desperate” for a relationship or simply wanting a relationship? What are the signs? It seems as if, everybody jumps as fast as they can on the conclusion that nowadays everybody is desperate when they might just be trying to get to know someone. You get shut down before having even thought of trying.
It’s really the difference between desperation and desire… scarcity vs abundance… taking vs giving.
Guys who are “desperate” for a girlfriend tend to have a scarcity mentality: they think or feel that they are lacking something (approval, love, attention, affection, etc) and they mistakenly think that a girlfriend/relationship will provide what they’re lacking.
They make the GIRL the goal.
This is a tragic mistake because this freaks women out. Women don’t want to be your crutch or your destination.
These guys think they need to get a girl, and girls avoid him like he’s a needy beggar asking for change.
Signs you’re desperate:
You call or text her way more often than she does
You get upset if she doesn’t respond to you instantly
You worry that she’s meeting other men
You try to control her in any way
You are always trying to get girls to like you, either with gifts or compliments or simply by being super nice
You sit around obsessing about girls
You’ll keep dating a girl even if she treats you poorly
You spent time wishing more people liked you (parents, friends, girls, etc)
Secure Happy Guy
Then there are guys who have an abundance mentality… they already such an abundance of love, self esteem, friends, inner affection, and self approval that they don’t need it from someone/somewhere else.
Instead of seeking love and approval they GIVE it.
So when a guy with abundance desires a girlfriend, it’s not to GET something from her, it’s to GIVE to her. He doesn’t make a girlfriend his destination – instead he wants to share his journey WITH his girlfriend to what ever destination he already had. That’s one reason women love men who have life passions.
Women don’t want to be used as a crutch, they don’t want to be used as a bridge to help you feel more secure or happy. Nobody does really.
Signs you’re secure and happy:
You spend most of your time enjoying life and thinking about your career, friends, or passions
Everyone seems to call and text you more than you text them, and you don’t seem to notice
People seem to love being around you, but you don’t tend to notice
Others seem desperate for your approval
You enjoy meeting beautiful women, even when they’re not interested in a romantic relationship with you
You like helping others
Most guys with a scarcity mentality don’t take the time to heal their inner/past traumas and mistakenly think the approval of someone else will heal them, instead taking responsibility for themselves.
So if you’re needy or desperate then I suggest you need to do some inner game work, spend some good quality time alone with yourself, and develop a new positive relationship with YOURSELF that’s happy, secure, honest, and sincere. It’s the guys who really love themselves that know how to give that same love to women… and women can FEEL this positive energy.