Don’t Be Blind; Pay Attention
Lets Talk About Beliefs
Did you know that both of your eyes have a blind spot?
You literally have a small circle in your vision where you CAN’T see… and yet, if you’re like me, this spot is completely invisible… or at least seems this way.
Don’t believe me? Try this test…
This blind spot lies on the point of your retina where the optic nerve leads back into the brain. On this part of the retina there are no light-sensitive rods or cones, and so a small object in your field of visionís blind spot becomes invisible.
So why can’t we normally notice this dark spot in our vision? Because our brains choose not to notice this problem.
That’s fucked up right?
You’re A Flesh Machine
Just like this blind spot in our vision we have many blind spots in our thinking, in our reasoning, and in our beliefs/mindsets.
And guess what?
You’re like every other guy… a big lumbering flesh machine.
The only difference between your sexual success and the next guy’s is your inner programming. Your thoughts. Your beliefs.
Your brain is the computer that runs your body. There’s conscious stuff going on and unconscious stuff going on.
The unconscious stuff is either genetic and emotional, or it’s completely ingrained from years of repetitive thoughts.
For example, when you started driving for the first time it was a very focused and conscious effort. But now you’re likely so used to doing it that you don’t even think about it any more… it feel completely unconscious.
But the quality of your driving can be improved with focus and effort, just like your ability to meet women and get their number.
You can learn how to focus your thinking in a positive and attractive way, instead of letting your nervousness and poor body language destroy her first impression of you.
Change Takes Awareness
Here’s the trick… you have to learn how to have “awareness.”
Awareness of your own thoughts and feelings.
While the big idiot robot next to you will lumber around the bar trying to pickup women YOU can do the opposite: You can learn how to pay attention to your own programming and your own behaviors.
Only once you’re aware of how you look, sound, act, feel, and think can you start to CHANGE yourself. And we ARE talking about change here… not because you’re dumb, stupid, ugly or pathetic.. but because you’re interested in growth and strength and clarity and success. That takes maturity and practice and constant self awareness.
If you want to get something youíve never had you must be willing to try things youíve never done.
Have you ever taken the time to REALLY listen to your own thoughts? It’s kind of an amazing experience. It puts you into the Third Person within your own brain. It’s kind of powerful.
“To have greater self awareness or understanding means to have a better grasp of reality.” ~ Dalai Lama
“Self awareness or self-consciousness can lead to the enlarging of consciousness. It can lead to the expansion of control of one’s life. Self awareness involves the capacity of not only looking back, but also looking ahead. Self-awareness is not only a gift, but it is a responsibility.” ~ Mufid James Hannush
“Every human has four endowments- self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom… The power to choose, to respond, to change.” ~ Stephen Covey
Listen to yourself.
Listen to your thoughts.
In yoga there’s a specific practice that helps you “witness”† your own thoughts. Read about the simple process here.
Your Beliefs Have Power
Your beliefs are like bricks in a wall that you’ve been building since you were a child. Each time you “learned” something new it became part of your belief system or your “wall of beliefs.” The problem is that when you were young you didn’t have the reasoning skills you have now and many of your old beliefs were ingrained into your thoughts without you questioning them.
And, the older the belief, the harder it is to pull out that brick without it causing you distress and damage to† your belief wall. This is why it feels so difficult to change our beliefs. It’s painful and leaves us feeling insecure and unsure… until we develop new stronger ideas.
Think about it. If you were racist it’s going to be very difficult to suddenly change your mind about it. We stubbornly hold on to these old mindsets because we think that we ARE what we believe. Our egos and identities become tied to our beliefs.
“I’m a hard worker.”
“I’m a good driver.”
“I’m friendly and people like me.”
Why is it so hard to question ourselves about these beliefs? “Because if I’m NOT really a good drive then what does that mean about me? That I’m a bad driver?! No thanks!”
But bad drivers can’t become good drivers without first being aware of how they drive.
And you can’t become awesome with women until you first have some awareness of how you currently are with women.
Are you open and honest and fun? Or are† you guarded and insecure and jaded and angry? You’ll never know until you pay attention.
Fear Of Rejection
I think our general fear of rejection is a combination of our mindsets and our genetics.
Genetics tell us that social rejection equals death. In the time of the caveman you would be killed or thrown out of the group if you were rejected. These ingrained fears are within all of us.
Our mindsets and beliefs come from our childhood. Emotionally we felt hurt when others made fun of us or wouldn’t include us. Feeling alone and rejected sucks.
But these beliefs were only true when we were children.
As adults they don’t apply.
Rejection from one woman doesn’t have ANY impact on the friends we already have, or our careers, or our lives.
But yet we STILL hold on to this fear of her rejection.
Unless we practice to ignore our old assumptions, or old mindsets, and we move forward by CHOOSING to think NEW thoughts.
Question Limiting Beliefs
So how do we change the terror we have for a concept like rejection? We challenge our assumptions through the magic of questions.
This is a step by step process you can follow when you come across a limiting belief you may.
A limiting belief is a type of assumption youíve come to believe as true and real, but which diminishes your ability to succeed because of its misleading principles.
For example, it was once believed that the earth was flat, and this was globally accepted as true. It made sense. But because of this limiting belief the world was often far to scared to travel far from their own shores for fear of falling of the edge of the earth. This sounds totally absurd today but this was once a very real belief.
Your job is to find and define your limiting beliefs (the wrong assumptions you have about women and dating) and challenge them. This takes time and patience and I suggest you attack each new limiting belief one at a time.
Define the assumption. (This was my first attempt at describing what rejection felt to me.)
1. The deeply hurtful feeling of being less valuable, of being unwanted and disliked, and of being seen as less than everyone else in the eyes of my peers.
Question everything. (In this case specifically question the meaning Iíve associated with rejection.)
-††††††† Does rejection ALWAYS mean something negative?
-††††††† Could rejection SOMETIMES mean something positive?
-††††††† Was there a time in my past when I thought a particular rejection I experienced was bad, but it actually turned out REALLY GOOD for me?
-††††††† Is it possible that most times rejection has proven to be VERY USEFUL to me?
-††††††† Is it possible that rejection is actually necessary to avoid people or things that arenít good for me?
-††††††† What POSITIVE things could rejection mean?
-††††††† Could rejection ALWAYS lead me to something positive?
Redefine the assumption.
- The necessary process for filtering out the things we donít necessarily need in the current moment. Thereís nothing actually innately good or bad about this, and itís usually a very useful tool for streamlining our success in life.
Test New Assumptions
Imagine a beautiful woman sitting at a table across from you in a restaurant. Sheís eating with some girlfriends. Youíre eating with some buddies. Try to put yourself in that place and imagine what it would feel like walking over to her and making some small talk in an effort to get her number.
How does that feel in your body?
Now imagine that instead of finding you funny and charming she finds you annoying and bothersome.
Now imagine youíve bantered with them briefly and dropped one of your funniest jokes on them with the expectation that they will laugh. Except instead of laughing they simply stare at you awkwardly.
The silence grows unbearable, but you wait it out.
Then the alpha female of the group completely dismisses you by saying ďAnywayÖĒ and then turns her back to you so that she can reengage her friends.
You walk back to you buddyís feeling rejected.
How does this make you feel? Can you imagine this process in your head?
I can, because this exact thing happened to me. I thought I was being witty and charming but obviously I wasnít. In my head I said ďOh, burns.Ē
The old Robby would have felt totally defeated and personally insulted. The old Robby would have made some terrible assumptions:
-††††††† Sheís rejecting me because Iím not attractive.
-††††††† Sheís rejecting me because Iím not funny.
-††††††† If sheís rejecting me then other women will reject me.
-††††††† If Iím alone then Iím going to be lonely.
This thought process reinforced the negative thoughts and assumptions I used to have about dating.
After I went through the above process of questioning my negative assumptions I discovered that these assumptions were totally wrong! Assumptions are like mindsets can help you or hinder you. Find the onesí that hinder you and purposely question them until they help you.
Once youíve sat down and really questioned through one of your negative assumptions, in an effort to make it a positive assumption, go into the field and test it. Go out and put yourself in a place where you can be rejected. Go approach some cute girls, flirt with them, and ask for their numbers. Do this a number of times in an effort to experience rejection. This takes some real balls.
Have the new mindset that ďitís not about the girl, itís about the skill.Ē I learned that from Neil Strauss, and his book ďThe Game.Ē
Itís not about the girl, itís about the skill.
Keep this in your mind when youíre going out to test your new skills, and your new mindsets. Itís not always about finding the woman of your dreams because sometimes itís simply about learning to be social, learning what types of flirting works, and what doesnít.
After youíve tested your new mindset, decide if itís helping you or hindering you. If youíre still full of fear then you need to take some more time thinking through the process. Until you really believe that something like rejection is simply a stepping stone to success youíll always fear it.
Here are some strong examples of changing an old mindset that hinders to new mindset that helps.
Old Assumption: Sheís rejecting me because Iím not attractive.
New Assumption: Sheís not rejecting me, sheís rejecting the approach I used.
Old Assumption: Sheís rejecting me because Iím not funny, not hot, not rich, etc.
New Assumption: Sheís not rejecting me personally because she doesnít even know me. Sheís simply not open to connecting with me in this moment. There could be any number of reasons a woman isnít available: she has a boyfriend, her sister just died, sheís got diarrhea and isnít feeling good, etc.
Old Assumption: If she rejects me then everyone will laugh at me.
New Assumption: Nobody else cares what Iím saying to this girl. Everybody else in this world is too concerned with themselves to even care about what this one girl does or says to me. Even in public this is a private and exclusive interaction that will have absolutely no baring on any other interaction I have in my lifetime. Besides most other guys are admiring me for having the balls to talk to her.
Old Assumption: I shouldnít go talk to her because I donít want to bother her.
New Assumption: Women go into public specifically to be social and to enjoy the company of others. Iím a fun and interesting guy and it will likely make her day if I go out of my way to chat with her, even if sheís eventually unavailable. Itís about having fun, not about picking up women.