Dating Advice Makes Me Confused…
Ive been looking at how to go out with girls lately, as I feel my love life has been kinda non existent. I’ve gone through a ton of articles and asked for advice through websites such as this one and I’m wondering if its normal to suddenly feel like every girl I meet I should try it out on.
I had a uni meeting this evening and I was sitting next to this girl. I’m not sure if she’s my type but it felt like I was trying to force myself to see that she (and another girl) could be a possible date opportunity. I know that if I hadn’t read any of this stuff before, I wouldn’t have been thinking things like that, but now that I have gone through all these articles about how to attract women or go on dates, I’m starting to feel like I’m not being true to myself because I’m fully aware of all of my actions, as opposed to being myself.
Have you experienced this? I know dating takes time and its only been about a week since my sudden awareness of my situation. Now I’m really confused cause I’ve read a lot of articles, seen a lot of youtube stuff and all that and it just feels very weird to be doing all of this.
The dating advice you might find online is fun to read because it helps open your mindsets up… while most regular guys DON’T realize they can have choice with women (so they settle) YOU get to pick and choose the girls you really want. That’s powerful and should get you excited!
There’s two reasons you’re feeling more uneasy then before… A) You now know what you don’t know. B) You’re in transition.
Most guys will never seek out dating advice because they assume that what they know is all there is to know. This is called unconsious incompetence. You don’t know what you don’t know. Ignorance is bliss I guess.
The next stage of competence is called conscious incompetence. You know what you don’t know. This is partly where you are… and it’s making you aware of the world you didn’t know existed before… a world full of new wonders.
The next stage is conscious competence. This is where you’re very aware of the things you know. When you first start driving you spend a lot of time focusing on the gas and breaks, etc.
And the final stage, where men who are “naturals” with women exist, unconscious competence. This is where you know stuff without having to think about it. Driving for you today is likely very easy and takes very little thinking. Your body just knows what to do. This is where you’re headed with dating and women, if you keep practicing and reading.
Read more about the four stages of competence here.
Another reason you’re uncertain is because of something David DeAngelo calls†“Transition Vulnerability.” Its that phase of your personal growth when you’re transitioning from the safe world you currently know, to the new (and potentially unsafe) world you’re getting to know.
(Above image is thanks to this photographer > NSFW)
You’re transitioning from chump to champ, but you’re vulnerable because you’re not a champ yet, but you’re stepping into the ring with women who ARE champs… this can feel … scary! Simply because you don’t have enough experience under your belt to feel like you can handle anything these girls can throw at you… and trust me, there will come a time when you DO feel like you can handle anything they do or say.
But it takes time. And patience with yourself. And experience.
There’s really nothing a girl can say or do that matters ultimately.
If a girl doesn’t like your approach or your attempt at flirting and teasing, you might upset her. That’s the only danger.
That’s the WORST thing that can happen. She get’s upset and tells you off.
If that were to happen to me, and I’ve been known to say some terrible things in an attempt to stir a girl up, then I’d simply respond with a wink and smile (she’s really looking to see how you’ll react to her anger, so if you don’t react it often tells her to relax) or I say, “Fair enough, it’s been a pleasure,” and I walk away.
In the end it might become a funny story I tell my friends. That’s still a win if you ask me.
1) If you approach a woman with the intent of discovering how fun and cool she is then you’ll come across appropriately. Fun, and cool.
And if your intent is to trick girls, or hurt them, then your intent will make them angry with you. You’ll be labeled creepy, or an asshole.
But no woman is going to be pissed off that you found her cute and attractive.
She might not care, she might get annoyed, or she might become bored. But she’s never going to be upset and angry.
2) Stay cool, fun and unreactive to her reactions. If you can train yourself to stay centered amongst the emotions of others, you’ll train your body to never panic, and to always be focused and clear.
3) The fastest way out of this scary transition period is to experience as much social interactions as possible, as fast as possible!
Talk to everyone you meet, man woman and child, and you will soon discover that there’s almost nothing you can say that will upset anyone, ever! Be more social when you’re not trying to meet girls so that when you ARE you’re well trained, relaxed, and comfortable talking to strangers. Then you can focus on what’s important… your own fun and excitement, instead of the unnecessary fears that she might not like you.
Keep reading, keep learning, and keep experimenting.