Here’s the question I received from Kev,
I’ve got someone that i’m trying to get at. Problem is…is that i’ve been out of the game for quite a while. I’m trying to think of ways to incorporate into my inner psychee of how to ignore this one female in particular to draw her to me. Over the last couple days, i’ve been distant toward her and she knows why. Some how i’ve allowed her to get into the mindset that I really want her.
I NEED TO FLIP THE SCRIPT…ASAP…without chasing her away. She already knows that friends shit is out.
By the way, when is your book coming out. I really want to check it out.
Hey Kev, thanks for the email.
Here are my thoughts on your sitch…
You need to get out of your own head. The easiest way to stop thinking about this one girl (which is likely making you behave strangely) is to meet another other women. Get out of your house, and out of your head, and go meet some new women.
The New Girl will automatically take your mind off the one you’re chasing away. This will ultimately make you more relaxed when around her, instead of wound up.
Also, don’t play hard-to-get. It’s best to simply fill your schedule so that you’re too busy to worry about calling her. Your job is to be unfazed by the confusion of your relationship while maintaining your fun demeanor.
And finally, when you ARE around her it’s your job to ALWAYS be escalating. Always be pushing the physical boundaries, just like you would with any girl you first start dating.
If you want her as a girlfriend then you must push her attraction buttons (by being an attractive dude who’s got his choice in women, yet who’s fun to hang with and fun to banter with) and you must always be escalating your physical interactions.
Remember – you can’t “logically” make this girl like you, so forfeit that idea right now. You’ll never “talk” her into it, so stop all of the deep conversations, or any talk of dating, relationships, etc.
Your job is to stop talking, and start doing.
If she say’s, “hey, let’s just be friends” then you say, “absolutely, I totally agree.”
Then give her a friendship hug. Then pinch her ass.
If she freaks out just smile and wink, then start talking about something completely unrelated.
If she asks where you guys are “at” say, “I don’t like labeling these things. Let’s just leave things as they are,” then change the subject. Then later that night hold her hand. Then cuddle. Then kiss.
Just keep escalating until the situation burns it’s self out, or you end up married.
Ignore your desire to call this girl all the time.
Ignore your desire to tell her all about your inner desires and secrets.
Ignore your desire to pamper her and to put her up on a pedestal.
Ignore your desire to “keep things safe” by being her nice friend.
Score dating situations with her by calling her up randomly and saying “Hey, I’m heading to this new breakfast place, I’m picking you up! Be sure to wear something comfy like pajama’s.”
Score her attraction by being too busy with other women, other passions, hobbies, and activities.
Score her interest by sometimes being vague, mysterious, and confusing.
Score her attention by being genuine, sweet, while sometimes teasing her but always being fun!
Score her touch by touching her first, often, and with sexual intent.
Once you’re dating, and once you’re sure she’s worth keeping around, THEN you can start developing the deeper conversations, and the other friend-like conversations. Until then you must keep your distance, keep your cool, and remain the fun, smart, interesting guy that you are.
Let me know how it goes!
MORE THOUGHTS ON THINKING
I can appreciate this guy’s predicament.
Wanting a girl deep in your gut while trying to maintain your cool can be quite the balancing act. How do regular dudes, like you and I, keep a high quality girl interested in us, while not scaring her away with our over zealous interest?
Stop being your own cock-block.
Attracting women is not about tricks, techniques, and pickup lines as much as Hollywood would like you to believe. As you’ve likely learned by now – Attraction Isn’t A Choice (Thanks to David DeAngelo for that!) This simply means that you can’t convince a girl to become attracted to you… either she IS or ISN’T.
There’s no LOGIC or Magic Trick to convince her either way.
It’s just like hunger; you can’t talk your stomach out of feeling hungry. It just is, or it isn’t. She’s either into you, or she’s not.
BUT, this doesn’t mean you can’t influence her emotional state. This is called seduction. This is called Pick-up. This is called Attraction.
Amazingly her attraction starts in your mind – LONG before she ever meets you.
I’m talking about Inner Game.
This term comes from Timothy Gallwey, a famous Tennis player. Tim explains that our minds will often interfere with our body’s natural ability to do it’s thing. Tim teaches players to focus their attention on the ball because it helps calm the mind while allowing the body to relax. He explains that our inner game dictates the ease and success of our outer game.
This applies to women and dating the exact same way. If you’re a dude who spends his time in his own head worrying about the opinions of the women you interact with, then your inner game is damaging your outer game.
What’s the number one thing women say they want in a guy?
Because a guy who’s inner dialogue is constructive, trusting, positive, and empowering will automatically have a natural and powerful outer game (his outer expression of his self assurance.)
This means that your first focus should not be on what you’re doing, but on what you’re thinking.
Being aware of your own thoughts, without judgment or attachment, is called mindfulness. It simply means that you’re mindful of your own thoughts and feelings, while NEVER judging them.
Not only will a daily practice of mindfulness bring about a deep inner peace, but it can also bring about great awareness of your own inner thoughts.
We spend our days thinking and thinking and thinking, with rarely a moment to reflect upon the thoughts we have. Being mindful simply means allowing a new awareness of the types of things that go through your head. This can open you up to seeing a HUGE array helpful and hurtful thought patterns you might not even be aware of.
I discovered years ago that I spent a lot of my inner dialogue talking down about myself. Either I was completely critical of my self (my appearance, my lack of skills, my lack of knowledge, etc) or I was ashamed of my “endless” disappointments. Until I started to practice mindfulness, I had no awareness that I was talking so harshly to myself.
Here’s a challenge – take your three worst self-criticisms and write them down. Then ask yourself, “Would I say this to my beautiful 7 year old niece?” If you would, then you’re likely not that hard on yourself (or you don’t like your niece very much.) In most cases I found that the things I was saying to myself was way too harsh.
So I stopped. You should to.
What you’re thinking manifests into what you’re doing.
It’s as simple as that. If your inner dialogue is harsh and critical, then your behaviors will reflect that.
Women are EMPATHIC. Learn this now. They might not KNOW what you’re thinking, but they can FEEL you very quickly. If you’re a nervous guy, but you’re kind, generous, sincere and harmless, they’ll ignore the anxiety you might be feeling when you’re trying to get her number.
BUT if you’re nervous because you’re trying to use memorized pickup lines, or you’re attempting to behave in a specific way that’s not natural for you, then she’ll FEEL that there’s something creepy about you. This is what happens when a guy is trying to act cool when he’s really freaking out inside.
I’ve taken a long time to say this but here’s my point – develop an awareness of what you’re thinking so that you can slowly change your damaging inner thoughts into powerful, comforting, inner mindsets built of confidence.
What should you be thinking about? Anything that strengthens you.
Anything that challenges you to become a better man. Anything that makes you feel good about who you are, and who you’re becoming. Ultimately we men are genetically built for finding our purpose, and perusing it. This kind of guy doesn’t waste time chasing women. If he likes a girl he might take some time to get to know her, but he’ll never step off the path to his purpose if she’s running away. This is why most women love finding a man they can’t sway from his own life’s ambitions.
Just look around you – men who are “on purpose” often have the best girlfriends. Athletes, professionals, or any man who works with deep pride and passion.
Learn to quiet your confusing, or negative, inner dialogue and you’ll be amazed how quickly women pick up on your new, more attractive, personality.
Keep the questions coming!