In my ongoing challenge to both understand the beautiful women of this world AND to help educate my fellow man I’ve started this series I’m calling Understanding Women.
While You’re Thinking, She’s Busy Feeling
Go read the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus written by John Grey.
Does it seem lazy when I suggest you’read someone else’s book? Perhaps but I never said I wasn’t lazy.
At first you might say, “But that s a relationship book and I m more concerned with dating!”
You make a strong argument, but since I’m the boss I can say what ever I want. So heed my advice.
In Grey’s book he goes into great detail explaining the differences in how men and women perceive the world around them. He goes into magnificent details about how men try to fix things and spend much of their time in their own heads, while women are all about expressing themselves. He explains the common ways men and women can miss-communicate which only leads a healthy relationship into the stinkers.
Basically women are very emotional creatures. If this is news to you then you haven’t been paying attentinon. Shame on you!
I don’t think you’re going to find a guy who disagrees with this. And even though you may actually understand this as a “concept,” you may still have trouble seeing the world as women do.
For example, if you’re a dude and your buddy comes up to you and asks you how your date went last night you’ll likely say something like this:
“Oh it went pretty good I think. She was wearing this super hot mini-skirt! I thought she seemed pretty into me. I think I’ll see her again.”
Now let’s say you’re a girl and your best friend calls you up and asks you how your date went last night; you might say something like this:
“Oh hey Nancy! Ya, I went out with Kevin last night. I was so nervous at first, but when he picked me up he made me laugh so hard! So I totally felt more comfortable once we got to the restaurant. It wasn t very crowded there so I felt kind of in the spot light, but he was charming so I relaxed after a few minutes. He kept looking at my hair which made me feel like I had something in it that was awkward, but then I went to the bathroom and it looked fine so God only knows what that was about… Oh and I loved how great he was with our waiter… he was new and nervous and Kevin made a bunch of jokes which made our waiter so much more calm.. I felt that was really decent of him. At the end of the night I felt pretty good about him and I felt like he was pretty into me too, so I hope I see him again!”
Now, can you spot the differences in these to points of view?
Notice how the guy says I think a lot and the woman says I feel a lot. This is VERY important to notice.
Notice how long the woman’s response was compared to the man’s?
In reality two girls discussing a date could eat up hours of dissection and discussion. (Read anything by David Deida if you want to fully understand the power of Masculine Vs. Feminine.) The major difference I’m trying to point out is that as men we tend to speak in terms of how we think and we evaluate things, while women describes things in the form of their emotions and how the events made them feel.
This is a very significant difference that most men have trouble appreciating.
Have you ever been asked something like “So how do you feel about me?” except in your man-brain you hear “So what do you think about me?”
Can You See The Difference?
You’re likely to respond with something like “Oh, I think you’re real smart” when what she really wants to hear is “Oh, I feel you’re real smart.”
She wants to know how you feel about her because that’s how she interprets the world around her – in terms of her emotional body. Where as most men see the world much more literally. Men tend to be very “rational”, and women tend to be more “interpretive.” This is one reason women make amazing artists and musicians. They naturally have a way of feeling the world in a way most men don’t. It’s not that we can’t, it’s mostly that we’re not trained for it?
A guy might say, “It’s a bright sunny day”, pointing out the specifics of the moment while a woman might say, “today feels so warm and amazing outside!” because she relates things to her emotions. This difference is tremendous when it comes to appreciating how women see the world around them, and more importantly for this blog, how they interpret their encounters with us men.
Why does this matter? Because if you’re not communicating in a way that connects to a woman’s feelings then you’re basically invisible to her.
Take time through out your life to connect with your feelings, instead of being a detached robot. When it comes to connecting with women this will be your greatest skill! Without a real understanding of your own emotions you’ll never be able to easily create rapport with that ONE special girl you’re so desperately trying to seduce.
Remember: having emotions is okay. Spilling them all over everyone you meet isn’t. Being a man doesn’t mean being emotionless, it simply means having composure in the face of difficult emotions.
Example of NO composure
Example of GOOD composure
Tom Cruise could have freaked out, but instead he kept cool. Unfortunately Tom Cruise is pretty much crazy.
Why does this even matter?
If the fastest way to seduce a woman follows a specific flow (Attraction, Rapport, and Intimacy) then how we communicate dictates the success of each stage.
In the attraction stage we communicate like animals – it’s mostly subtle body language, vocal tonality, and our expressiveness… it has very little to do with the words that come out of our mouths. From this her body will either respond positively or negatively. Eventually these feelings will filter into her brain and she’ll form some type of impression of you. From there she’s either interested or not.
If she is interested she’ll immediately want to start building rapport. Rapport is about sharing our similarities and differences. This is where we explore each other’s boundaries and expectations. This can happen within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone. The attraction stage can set off her need to build rapport very quickly. It happens this same way for us guys. How many guys do you see trying to buy that hot girl a drink at the bar? Buying her a drink is their clumbsy way of trying to build rapport. Except she hasn’t yet shown any attraction towards them so this is often a useless tactic… unless you’re good at building attraction after the ice is broken.
But here’s where it get’s interesting… when in the rapport stage (which continues for the extent of your relationship) she will be trying to communicate with you through her feelings… and if you’re not skilled at this you’ll be trying to communicate to her through your thoughts and ideas.
Your job, if you want to keep that beautiful woman, is to truely understand your own feelings and not just your thoughts. Thinking is great, but feeling is important too. The problem with us guys is that we’ve grown up scared of our feelings and we’re given no tools as to how to use/describe/share them. And when we finally do try to express ourselves we’re bumbling fools.
But try to imagine how powerful a man you would be with the women you choose to date when you’re able to finally communicate with them on a level playing field. Emotions to emotions, or, heart to heart.
A great book to read to get you headed in the right direction is called, “The Four Agreements,” by Don Ruiz. He’ll open your mind up to the crazy conflicts we have inside our own heads.
P.S. You can read Part 3: Change Her Mood here.
P.S.S. Did any of this make sense? Ask me questions in the comments below.