What is it about me that women find unnerving?
I will make this very succinct to spare people the agony of reading an entire treatise of why my self-esteem is at a low ebb. My question is what is it about me that women seem to despise?
As it stands I am 25 years old, a virgin who has never had any positive experience with women on any level-be it friends or anything beyond that.
I have never had any physical relations with women, nor anything tangible save for small-talk which invariably ends awkwardly and it seems increasingly less likely.
I attribute this partly to my schooling in junior/middle high school and the lack of co-education-which happened in senior high school (by which time I was very much set in my ways and was completely ill-equipped and oblivious to inter-gender relations and creating repartee’s.)
I have been told (though I am cynical of the truth in this) that I am pleasing to look at, yet I have nothing to show for such alleged good looks (which are inconsequential anyway, personality is what matters), I have direction and ambition in my life (I have two degrees and am in law-school) and am uncompromising to that end.
Yet for these I feel increasingly frustrated, ignored and unappreciated. Additionally, it appears my preferences in music etc. have alienated me (I happen to love death metal and the like but am nothing in the way of the caricatures you see who enjoy this music and so forth). I would appreciate some honest feedback about where I am letting myself down, and indeed, where I can improve myself to become more appealing (without of course undermining my integrity).
This malaise has completely undermined my confidence in myself and while I tried to put on a veneer of toughness/apathy, I am suffocating-any help, or insight would be very greatly appreciated.
Your suffering isn’t unique. But it sucks.
I have the cure, but it sounds like it might not be your cup of tea.
It’s called “social calibration” which can’t be gained from reading books or watching movies. It requires real world experience. Experience you didn’t gain in high school like many others. I didn’t either, so don’t fret.
Perhaps you’re a perfectionist (unwilling to try something before you’ve perfected it), or perhaps you’ve found solace in your Bat Cave. Either way you’re never going to get better with women sitting in your room lamenting about it.
Here’s the Hard Truth: getting good with women requires you to do what everyone else does … you have to interact with people. Everyday. Forever.
I once read that it takes everyone a minimum of 10,000 hours of purposeful effort to master something. This includes reading, writing, playing an instrument, and even attracting women.
Some kids are lucky enough to become highly involved in social activities (sports, sporting events, parties, clubs, etc) which naturally leads them down the road of 10,000 hours of social interactions. Each small interaction builds a person’s social calibration.
So, if you’re acting awkward around other people it’s because you’re not comfortable around other people. This comfort comes from experiences. If you want to be good with women you must be good with EVERYONE.
So, force yourself to make small talk with EVERYONE! From the dude who’s bagging your groceries, “Hey man, where did you get those shoes?”, to the super hot chick who works at Blockbuster, “Hey, have you seen Avatar? Is it really worth my time?”
Those tiny interactions add up. Those interactions bring you a tiny bit more confidence for next time. Eventually you learn a funny joke. Eventually you learn to tell stories. Eventually you learn how to flirt, tease, and excite.
But it takes time, patience, and commitment.
It doesn’t take forever, but you will need to do it to see any results.
Is it worth it? That’s up to you. You can learn this stuff now while you’re still young, or you can learn it when you’re 40 and finally p*ssed off enough to do something about it.
Either way I congratulate you on your first steps… being brave enough to ask us for advice.
No go out there, talk to people, and calibrate!
Then check back here and update us.
How do you get a girlfriend if girls only make eye contact and approach only attractive men?
OK lets face it, I know I’m not the best looking guy, but it sucks when women never seem to find any interest in me because of how I look. they walk literally right by me or don’t even say hello or anything they won’t make eye contact unless I was decent looking. I don’t feel normal or accepted the fact that women these days only go for looks and high status all in one.
I’m very shy around them because they don’t find me decent looking (fact) but I try to make eye contact when a random woman that walks by but nobody ever makes eye contact. I have never had a girlfriend before and I don’t really go up to random stranger girls I don’t know. I may be unattractive, but why do women only go for the “good looking guys ” ? I’m 160 lbs and toned I’m not fat.
You’re asking a question you already know the answer to.
How do ugly guy’s get girlfriends? They attract them. But not with their looks. And not with good eye contact. That’s nonsense.
If you’re ugly (let’s just assume you are for the sake of argument) and you’re just standing there starting at chicks, then why would any woman stop to find out more about you? She wouldn’t. Ever. That makes no sense.
Instead you need to be ATTRACTIVE.
Your assumption is that attraction is all about your looks, and that’s where you’re f***ing up.
Attraction is about how you make her feel.
That’s it. Hot guys automatically make her feel… tense and interested. If he opens his mouth and he’s rubbish then her attraction will dissapear. Simple.
If you’re ugly she’s not going to automatically be interested. Instead you need to interact with her. You need to MAKE HER FEEL stuff.
And I hate to tell you this but guys who are too insecure about themselves to approach women will not induce women into feeling hot and bothered.
Your lesson is this: women are beautiful flowers who are on display to attract men. Men are the bee’s who must approach these flowers in search of pollen and spice and everything nice.
It’s YOUR job to approach her.
It’s YOUR job to give her the impression that other women love you, and she will too.
Got a problem with talking to women? Then do what all great pickup artists have done before you… slowly learn how to talk to EVERYONE, not just hot chicks.
Why are highschool jocks so good with women? Because they spent 10,000 hours talking to people in social settings (parties, sporting events, fund raisers, etc.)
You must learn to make small talk with every person you meet on the street – buying groceries, standing in line at the movies, the waitress taking your order.
Put 1000 hours of talking to strangers under your belt and you’ll be amazed at how calibrated and interesting you become.